rest in

i'm so close to the edge
of falling in love with being alive,
and i hesitate, but in my defense
i don't know what it's like.

there's a voice in me
that lays me down
in the soft, familiar dark.

there's a choice for me
to make when i have time
to think of what it is i want -

it used to be peace,
but i don't know how i
can live with that.

take from me your calm and more -

rip from me your tired duress,

rage at me like you do best,

tell me, what are friends for?

pride

it's hard enough to admit to fucking up,
nevermind fucking something up this bad,
but here it is:

i regret going to university.

and it sucks, because i had so many wonderful experiences because i did go,
but i can't shake this heavy feeling in my chest. i met extraordinary people,
had the privilege of higher education - how spoiled and selfish must i be
to say that i regret that?

but i do.

and there's guilt and there's shame and there's
so many feelings i don't know how to say,
but god - i used to know what i wanted.

theatre was my life. i was a drama kid all through high school,
my life revolved around this show, the next show,
any chance to get up on stage.

and the people i met at university?
they have no idea.

because i told myself that it was impractical,
as if any dream is ever logical,
and did what i thought i was supposed to.
i took the safe route, i thought.

five years out and i realize that this was never the safe route.
not for me.

because i don't know how to function without passion.
i don't know how to be okay with being something else.

who the fuck am i?

because when i was growing up,
i didn't have a single shred of doubt in my mind -
i was samantha hogan, and i was going to be an actress.
that's it, that's all. that simple.

and i know that there are so many people in the world who don't get to pursue their dreams.
people who have the same thoughts i did, about money and comfort and happiness.

but no, not happiness -
ease.

i've realized that i am not happy with what is easy.
or, more accurately, i'm not happy with what i thought was going to be easy,
because it turned out to be so hard i thought i couldn't survive it.
i tried to kill myself three times, doing what was "easy."

get a degree, get a job, be comfortable.

i don't fucking want to be comfortable. i don't fucking want what is easy -
i want to feel alive again, put my fucking soul into something,
god, i thought auditions were life and death.
i left my heart on the stage.

and i was right.
it was life or death.
all along, it was.

who the fuck am i?

i'm about to move into an apartment in the city,
and losing the commute will give me three extra hours per day.
and everyone keeps asking me:
"what will you do with all that spare time?"

and i have no fucking clue.

what do i do?
what do i like?

who. the fuck. am i.

and pride kept me going,
kept me struggling, self-destructing,
trying to tell myself that this was what i was supposed to do
for four fucking years.

my parents saved tuition money for me for my entire life,
and i used it all up and have nothing to show for it.
i used it all up on the wrong damn thing.

god, i wanna become someone else. if only for a moment -
just one scene.

and this time i'm not talking about a play.
wow, fuck. this is my life.

i left my heart on the stage.