mantra

THE FIRST SONG OF MARCH:
(lovely note to start off on.)

to the boy i fall in love with,
could you maybe love me back?
it's okay, i understand
if you can't deal with what i lack.

you're not the first - i hoped the last,
but i will learn to hope again.
i have learned to love myself,
if no one else can.

alone is not so scary,
once you learn your way around.
when it's all you've ever known,
you're less loss than when you're found.

i have learned to love myself,
if no one else can.
i have learned to love myself,
if no one else can.

snooter

"so where are you going for college?"
"somewhere close to home."
"why?"
"not 'cause of you... my mom - she still needs help around the house with stuff."
"like what?"
"like - moving heavy furniture. i don't know - i - why do you care where i go to college?"
"'cause i'd kind of like to spend the rest of my life fucking you, if you don't mind too much..."

(it was by far the most romantic thing he'd ever said to him.)
take what you can get, huh?

under the table and dreaming.
incredible.

grand

this would be funny,
if it wasn't so funny:

you could have had me.

(applause.)

pearson international

waiting in the airport with a large steeped tea
and a boston cream doughnut.

life is good.

i'm excited to get back home -
you know, the university version.
i want to show everyone my new clothes,
ha.

i just want to be a new person.

i like sitting in the airport,
camping out with a fort made of baggage around me,
sipping tea, eatinga doughnut,
(scoping fellow passengers... wait, what?)
skyping on free wifi.

i got some really nice shirts this week.

it's snowing,
and i'm happy.

i just hope the plane doesn't crash.
(silver lining's fuckin' heavy, nah?)

kjvvnvksjvs

WOW, i'm hungover.
food? yeah, funny joke.
uuuggghhh.

(self-inflicted pain evokes no pity.)

last night

i have never been that high before.

child

i know it's stupid,

but on my nineteenth birthday,
i'm crying like a baby in my mother's basement
because my friend couldn't get the car after all,
which means we aren't going to build-a-bear.

i know it's stupid,

but i really wanted to go.

i know it's stupid,

but i haven't been taking my meds.

19

heading out for an early birthday dinner
with my dad and my brother,
who is so strung out on coke that he cannot speak.
my brother, that is.

neato.

also, the boy who dated me for a week
(until i told him i wanted to wait a year for sex)
is texting me about his weekend.

handy tip: i don't care.

life is good.



ps: description of my brother at this moment:
"a slow-motion child with downs.
he moves in slow motion and looks as if we're speaking another language to him. his depth perception is way off, eyes either half-lidded or wide open. takes him about a minute or so to respond to simple questions - slurs his words and doesn't make sense.
he keeps insisting he really wants to come to dinner with us.
he looks like he'll cry if we say no."

his bones are everywhere.
my bones are gone.

keep calm and carry on

or,
freak out and give up.

y'know. whichever.

miyako and renata

i never really thought of myself as much of a quitter
until i called my mom at 4:40am, breathless for no reason,
caught in a strange dry-cry that kept making my eyes twitch
and lose focus on the more relevant parts of the room.

i keep noticing corners and how dull the edges are.

i dropped japanese tonight.
tomorrow night, i will drop german.

i am a quitter in every sense of the word,
except i only quit the things i should not quit
and i never quit the things i should quit.

i am a terrible person who is wasting her parent's hard earned money on an education i don't actually want.

i just want a job and an apartment and a cat and a bed and a window with a view
and a wooden floor
and a brick wall.

i want to sleep forever.
i can't close my eyes.

this is an anxiety attack.

i don't want to be here.
i don't want to be anywhere.
i don't want to be.

and when the thoughts like that start popping up,
i realize i haven't taken my medication in days.

so i'll eat some cheese and crackers
and go to bed,

knowing that everything i have ever felt in the world can be stopped by a small chalky capsule taken daily at 4:45pm.

punch

i have two midterms tomorrow,
neither of which i've studied for.

german and japanese:
rest in peace samantha.

i never study for anything.
why? why.

bandaid

i forgot
that windchimes existed.

also, i'm still drunk.

the order of things:

FUCKING EW

then

FUCKING OW

then

FUCKING AH

yep.

a day in the life.

shell

is it bad
that i can wake up in the morning
after a night spent beside you,
and not remember your face?
i'm sorry
that i can't memorize the feeling
of your hand in mine,
but sometimes i can barely remember
the feeling of breathing in
and breathing out.

please don't be offended
if i don't love you.

(watching infomercials on tupperware and thinking how lovely it would have been if i had been able to seal away what i felt for you before and save it endlessly,
"STILL FRESH!")

outpatients 3:15

why the fuck are blogs organized so that the most recent post is first?
makes no sense.

it's like you're watching me
devolve? dissolve.

crawl back into the womb.
fuckin' ew.

hey mama

"i wanna be a farmer,
so i can,
y'know,
farm.

'n shiiieeet."

farmers have a really high suicide rate.
we're all a statistic in the end.

oh, oh hey there

YOU ARE READING MY BLOG
in case you didn't know.

seems like i'm introducing myself to a lot of people these days
introducing myrealself, i mean.

HAAA,
kind of sad when you identify the most
with an electronic blog
as "self".

my anthro prof is a fucking idiot.
why are there educated people in the world who don't know how to work a powerpoint presentation?
HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN.

my friend emma texts back really fast.
i can't keep up.

also, what the fuck am i talking about?
nothing, that's what.

goodbye.

leaf

sometimes i just wish i could feel something,

ya kno'?
yeah, no.

worth

nobody here wants anything more than sex.
nobody anywhere wants anything more than sex.
anyone. anywhere. ever.

luckily for me,
sex is all i'm good for anyway.