lost at sea

what a creative title.

"i'm propelled across the water
by waves of self hate.
you wouldn't believe
the rifts they create.

and between each go,
my drift becomes slow,
and i sit and i smile
and i wait.

i am crossing quite the ocean,
a damp and dreary hell,
each dot on the horizon
is another spiteful swell.

it's significantly wetter
than i thought that hell would be,
but i could probably make it better
if i stopped crying out the sea.

ooh,
you wait on the shore.
i will not look back anymore.

ooh,
you wait in the sand.
but it's easier to me
to be lost at sea
than be lost without your hand.

i am sailing ever braver
into lands unknown.
i am drawing out the map
of the ways that i have grown.

though my eyes still sting,
the salty air helps me sing,
and the ocean is mine
alone.

ooh,
you wait on the shore.
i will not look back anymore.

ooh,
you wait in the sand.
but it's easier to me
to be lost at sea
than be lost without your hand.

and i finally understand."

friday night

was my first-ever time
experiencing a pity fuck-and-chuck.

why am i so fucking stupid?
ha.

i have to keep reminding myself:

you're just lonely
you're just lonely
you're just lonely
you're just lonely
you're just lonely
you're just lonely
you're just lonely
you're just lonely
you're just lonely
you're just lonely



"this too shall pass."

friendzone confirmed

but i feel good to have gotten
that confession off my chest anyway.

it's just a silly little crush,
not a full-on "let's date" scenario,
so hopefully knowing that he's not interested
helps it go away a bit quicker, ahaha.

and for once in my life,
things aren't awkward either,
which is nice.

i want to stop depending on other people.
as much as lately i have been feeling tired of being "the strong one",
i think i've let that feeling get in the way of letting me see
that i have been leaning on people more than ever before.
i think people are beginning to notice,
so i should too.

as much as i don't want to be the rock,
i don't want to be the burden.

and as per usual,
i am all one or all the other.
and if that's really the case right now,
then i know which one i prefer.

i need to learn how to not be lonely,
when i am alone.

wat

a little while ago i came home with a boy from my residence.
one of my frosh, to be exact.

i don't know if i've ever posted it here,
but i'm vice president of my university residence,
for anyone who doesn't actually know me.
(why are you reading this?)

at the beginning of the year i was on contract to not have any sexual relations with any of the frosh (first years), and for the most part i've just sort of kept that up throughout the year.
most of the frosh are the same age as my little brother, so it just seemed weird anyway.

a little while ago,
a week after my ex and i broke up actually,
i was drunk and essentially determined to bring someone home.
i succeeded, but that person happened to be a frosh from my residence.
cool life choices.

anyway, we got back to my place and basically forwent(?) hooking up because we both wanted pizza, ahahahahaha.
typical.

and we just hung out and talked for the rest of the night,
made out i guess because uhhhhh what,
and then nothing really happened.

huh.

so then a few nights we've hung out since,
but mostly just as a result of being in a big group
and everyone else sort of tapering off near the end of the night
so that the two of us end up together.
never seemed like anything, i guess.
idk.

anyway, after a talk we had last time, just sort of about dating and hooking up at university in general and just about people we knew i guess, i sort of came to the conclusion that i was a "bro", which therefore implies that i was pretty much friendzoned and therefore shit out of luck, although it didn't really bother me, tbh.
better than being super awkward, ahahaha... my usual route.

last night i couldn't sleep.
he texts me at 1 in the morning asking if i'm up,
and then he came to hang out.
until 5 in the morning.

...

wat.

i don't even get it.

nothing happened i guess,
we just sort of talked and watched videos
and he had his head in my lap
and i guess that was it?

i just don't understand, ahaha.
why is it that whenever i think i've been friendzoned and i'm actually okay with it,
the universa has to toss me a curve ball just to confuse me?

i just.
i don't even.
i just don't.

...

wat.

jgehdjd

everyone's in tears over things they can't control
and i don't know how to tell them that i can't be strong for them anymore.

i'm tired.
i'm tired.
i'm tired.

i was ridiculously drunk last night, apparently.
i don't remember a lot of the night, but i do remember
sitting on my bedside watching him cry,
wiping his tears and patting his arm,
giving all the right reassuring
empty murmurs

and thinking about how much i would like
to take a bunch of pills
and crawl into the tub
and let the water run
and go to sleep.

i haven't thought like that in a while.

i'm tired of being strong.
it's all i know how to do, and i know i should feel blessed because of it,
because i wouldn't still be here if i wasn't as strong as i am.

but it's exhausting.
and i don't want to do it anymore.

everyone's in tears over things they can't control.

because apparently a country singer lives inside my head

"just another night of self-degradation,
sinking into that familiar sensation
and i can't change, no.

it's just another night of premature heart-ache,
falling into traps i know how to make, and i
i can't change, no."

idek mang

"it's the blood under the skin,
broken vessels seeping in,
and you press against the wounds
you couldn't bear.

it's the ticking of the clock,
echoed footsteps as you walk
into rooms you search while knowing
he's not there.

i am not the girl i thought i'd be by now.
i am tracing back my steps and wondering how

did it get to what it is?
did i bless what i have blown?
is this all i have for this?
'cause it's all i've ever known."

the meaning of life:

locking your door,
stripping down naked,
taking your laptop into the bathroom,
and listening to "canon in d major" by johann pachelbel
while eating a cookie and taking a shit.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THAT IS ALL.

i am an idiot

i was so sick that i wanted to die on tuesday,
and everyone took care of me and i slept and did what you're actually SUPPOSED to do when you're sick,
which is take care of yourself,
and then wednesday i felt boatloads better.
... until i stayed up until like 3am wednesday night.
and then i woke up this morning feeling near death again, ahaha.
cool life.

i can't afford to keep doing this.
i have to get to class.
gah.

(i counted, and i've missed seven classes so far this semester.
it's only been three weeks. fuck.)

genv

i woke up this morning with some sort of weird sinus infection on crack.
blood from my nose was literally CAKED into the back of my throat,
which inevitably caused my tonsils to flare up.

cool life.

missed my first class but managed to live through the other two,
including my three hour lecture (although admittedly i almost fell asleep in it multiple times.)
the prof asked me to share my notes with other students,
which was also kind of cool.

i haven't been the go-to girl in a while.
hm.

i am such a mess

all the damn time.

when you wish upon a star

thinking about how long this blog has been with me,
and what it has seen me go through.

sometimes it's hard to imagine that i was ever in the places i was in,
even if there's evidence to prove it.

other times, it's a reminder that no matter where you go,
you are always the same person.

today,
i felt overwhelmingly alone.



i've realized that i've fallen into a rut of hanging out with pretty much the same crowd all the time. it's nice to have a solid group of friends, but now that a good half of them have left for the weekend, it's a little bit difficult to feel okay about it. i remember times when i would have killed to have a "group" that i fit into. now i'm wondering if all those times wandering independently weren't the right way to go after all.
then there's that awkward moment when just as you're telling someone about your day, your year, your life - you realize they won't be there forever. they might not even be there tomorrow.

he might be leaving tomorrow.

and that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach as you realize that as you've been bitching this whole time about your own problems, they've been dealing with their own. and while dealing with their own, they've been patiently listening to you whine and groan. and you realize that their problems are infinitely more important, more significant than yours.
how can the struggle to be wanted be compared on any level to the struggle to live?
and yet, even as i sit here and feel terrible for talking to him about my stupid, trivial, school-girl problems, i feel incredibly sad that he might be leaving and that i might never be able to do that again. i can't help but wonder who i can talk to about this if he leaves. i can't help but think,
"me. me. me."




for once in my life,
i'd like to be a real girl.
i feel like pinocchio,
but it's true.

i'm living in this wooden body because it's all i know,
it's all that's gotten me this far because
you can't make wood bleed.
you can't make wood cry.

and all i want is to not be confined to this [lumber]ing case anymore,
to be real flesh and bone, which can tear and break.

and the truth is that i'm not even as invulnerable as i appear,
because all the artsy analogies in the world will not change the fact that i am, in fact, a human being. and i bleed when i'm cut. and i cry when i'm hurt.

and i just want to be recognized as and treated like a GIRL,
who is feminine and delicate and cute and fragile and dainty,
instead of constantly wearing this suffocating mask of
strength and confidence and power.

i don't want to be dominant.

my ideal life is that of a housewife.

but i can't.



and everything that everyone else sees is a fucking lie.
i am none of the things that i make you think i am.



none of this even makes sense anymore.

all i remember are doors being slammed

i feel like a hugely shitty human being
because i can honestly say that while i don't miss being with him,
i do miss being with
someone.

why am i always like this,
why am i always sad?

i want to be sick.
hm.

treadmill

stretchhh~

walk for one minute,
speed walk for two minutes,
jog for ten minutes,
sprint for two,
walk until my breathing is normal again.

leg machines: reps of twelve.
arm/upper body machines: reps of twenty.
midriff work: reps of ten.

went to the gym for the first time this year.
only day two of the new year; not bad at all.
i definitely overdid it though, i can already tell...
i'm gonna be sore tomorrow.
rubber legz.