when the number of days listed was up in the air

i keep lists.
things i need to do, should do, want to do, might do. things i won't.
i don't always know which kind of list the list is going to be until after i've listed it,
and then it usually makes itself clear.
a big indicator is whether or not i actually finish the list,
because really, that should be the number one thing on the list.
these days i don't cross out much.
the idea is to cross things off the list once you've completed them,
but i've been having trouble starting because most of the things i list
require me to get out of bed,
and that really doesn't take into account the fact that i can't.
i tried to make a list of reasons for that, but it turned out to be one of the lists i never finish.
it feels strange staring at a blank piece of paper where before i might've scrawled down plans,
or at least plans to make plans.
feels almost like i'm out of my head,
but the problem is that i'm actually so completely in my head -
i know all the same things i need to write down,
but for some reason they're all out of order, all too faint to make out,
like a thought just out of reach and i'm too exhausted to keep holding out for it, so i go to bed.
i'm the kind of person who sleeps when i have nothing to do,
and i have plenty to do right now, but i can't seem to work it out,
get it down on paper, get it out of my head, i'm stuck,
and i'm afraid of being this way, so i go to sleep.
people ask me why i can't seem to do any of the things i need to do
and i want to tell them that it's because of this, this, and this
but i'm staring at blank lists like it's all i've ever known,
there is nothing here to cross out except for my name at the top of the sheet -
i would rather have a 100-item to-do list than than this overwhelming opening for anything
because i don't even know where to start, so anything turns to nothing.
i've started to list my flaws in the hopes of crossing those out,
but i'm realizing that i can't make these go away,
so maybe i should have made a list of all my strengths that are already gone.
i am too weak to lift a pen.
i have done nothing forever, but everyone keeps telling me i'm trying to do too much,
i'm complicating things, so let's simplify:
i have two lists.
one says, "get better," and the other says, "kill yourself,"
and i KNOW which one sounds less daunting to me.
i don't even know where to begin with the first list,
but i know step for step, pill for pill, gram for gram, the second -
and i just find it infuriating that the one thing i feel i can do,
the one item i could stand to complete
means that if i do, i won't be here to cross it out.
and i am sorry for all these unfinished lists, all these scraps of paper everywhere,
i used to be so organized,
and i'm afraid to get rid of any of these now because i lost track
of how much of this is me and how much of this is my depression
and i am so afraid of finding out that there is no difference.
i stare at the words "get better" and know that i am afraid of trying
because i've been stuck here for so long that "depression" is number one on all the lists of who i am.
i have to keep these lists because i keep forgetting who i am:
i call myself a person who keeps lists and yet i stand here with none
and i guess it's just because i have NO IDEA where to start,
but i know exactly how to end.

"he'd sent me flowers,

and i remember sitting on the floor holding them
and i couldn't stop crying because they were alive
and he wasn't, and it just didn't make any sense."

no, i don't know what it means:

i hope your funeral never ends.