$40

people are buying cigarettes for children
on days when the air is already too stifling
without the added push of their smoke.

if i could,
i think i'd set one alight just so watch it burn out;
just to watch it fade, crumble, fall.

ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.

fuck if i know mang i'm just shittin' this out at work, fuck

"your callused fingers on my skin;
they're pushing down, they're pressing in.
you move so gently i could cry,
and i don't know why.

your thirsty kisses burn me deep,
their heat still lingers while you sleep.
i'm stifled by your quiet sigh,
and i don't know why."

what love is

"two dumb bodies, meat and bone
and cautious eyes blown wide.
too brittle to be left alone,
too bleak to know to hide."

lost in london

"you taught me this city
from the map in your mind,
and you shared all the secrets
no one else could ever find.

i could never have told you,
i would never have known
how i'd struggle for sense
when you left me alone.

i'm not like you,
i don't understand.
you knew this place like the back of your hand.

but i'm not like you,
i'm only a man,
and i don't even know where i am."

i'm having SO MANY SHERLOCK FEELS AND I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY.

also, this came out super nickelback-y, bahahaha.
what is my life.

father's day

i know i'm only 20 years old and that means that anything i say is just chalked up to youthful naivete, but sometimes i genuinely wonder if i might die alone.

i'm not saying it because there's a boy who doesn't like me back or because my friends are all going on dates or because i'm having a lonely day. none of these things are happening.

to be clear, nothing is happening at all.

and to be honest i can't imagine it being any different.

sometimes i get to thinking and sometimes it happens right after father's day when i look at my 60-some-odd father, who has been divorced twice and who has accepted the fact that he will not find romantic attachment again before he dies. and just so you know, he's not sad about it. he's one of the freest people i know.

but i look at him and how similar we are and i look at myself and how easily i can picture myself alone years in the future and how jarring it is to remind myself that someone else might be there too.

mostly i just look at myself and wonder how i feel about it because i feel like i should probably be scared but i don't think i am and then i start to wonder what it says about a person who realizes they can't picture themselves as anything but alone and who is probably okay with it (i think).

maybe i am having a lonely day.

i hope if you're reading this you don't write this off as teenage angst or something - because i always though that once i was no longer a teenager people wouldn't use that excuse to write off my feelings anymore, but i was wrong - but if you do, please keep it to yourself.

i don't really think i'm sad about this whole thing. i don't know.

i'm just thinking.

i can't FUCKIGN SLEEEEPPPPSJDFHBC

"on a humid summer night,
i was out on the back porch,
and the moths around the light
made it flicker like a torch,

and i listened to a car
as it passed beyond my sight,
and i wondered where you are
and i wished us both goodnight."

mcg

"under the lamp-light,
i walked by your door
and i realized you weren't there anymore.

it was cloudless that night,
but the stars barely shone,
and i thought it was fitting now that you were gone."

cvbn,lngm

"lock me up inside your room;
hold me down,
press me deep inside the earth
and watch me bloom.

you can throw away the key.
let the sun
drip in underneath the cracks
where it can fall to me."