slampiece

no thank you.

oh and also,

FUCK YOU COMPUTER
STOP REBOOTING EVERY 3 SECONDS
I'M TRYING TO DOWNLOAD
WORLD OF WARCRAFT

HAAA

this thing ~

"lock me up inside a room,
hold me down -
press me deep inside the earth
and watch me bloom."



every time i think i've moved on enough
to mention his name and not hurt,
i realize a little bit more
how much i fucking hate
his fucking guts.

marian

conversation with my father yesterday:

dad: oh yeah. i have a stray.
me: what, a stray cat?
dad: no. a stray kid.
me: what?
dad: he’s been sleeping on the basement couch for the past three weeks.
me: what, why?
dad: i dunno, guess he got in some trouble at home. real nice kid though.
me: huh.
dad: i bought him an easter egg yesterday. i dunno if he saw it yet.

i love my dad so much.

i actually

want nothing to do with any of you,
anymore.



i want out.
escape rope?

this shit ain't no fuckin' mount moon.

day two

this is what i wore today.

along with grey socks that matched the top
and floral-patterned, open-toed/open-side cork wedge sandals,
that matched the scarf i used as a belt.

i thought it was really cute,
but nobody else did.

mainly because i sat around in my house all day,
bored and alone, except for my mother - who enlisted my help
in her aggressive cleaning rituals.

our house is not dirty.
she's cleaning it of me.

and suddenly i realize,
i fucking hate it here.
why the fuck did i want to come home?

this is the place where
i have no room on account of the fact that my mother is actively purging her house of any trace of my existence,
and my step-father continuously either ignores me or mocks me or both,
and my "friends" only want to see me for the first three days that i'm here and then they forget that i'm alive.

either that or they leave me waiting all day in a cute but useless outfit,
saying "oh, sorry, i'll be free in a bit, k?"

to which i respond:
"okie. :)"

because why bother telling them that i don't want to see them anymore
after the first fucking time they bailed on me?
why would they fucking care?

i have no friends here.
i have nothing here.

this place is not my fucking home.

i just want some mindless desk job to take up all my fucking time already,
so i don't have to feel so unbearably fucking alone all the fucking time,
and so i can just feel nothing nothing nothing.
just numbers and type.

for once,
i would like to be the one who doesn't have time for everyone else,
instead of the other way around.

mining

"may she be beautiful but not damaged, for it's the damage that draws the creepy soccer coach's eye, not the beauty."
- tina fey,
a mother's prayer for it's child.

on the bottomless sea.

humiliation

i feel like i should write it down somewhere
that before i went to his room that night,
i stood at the top of the fire escape staircase
and honestly wondered what it would be like
to free-fall from the top of it.

until i realized what i was doing,
and went to hurt myself in other ways.

wrong direction

it seems like as soon as i post a problem on here,
it at least attempts to correct itself.

so, here we go then.

i am so sick of falling for the same trap,
constantly getting myself involved with guys who are perfectly
clear in what they want.

i am so sick of being angry at boys who
are absolutely not in the wrong when it comes to me.

why is everyone else able to clearly communicate their desires,
while i still struggle to ask for the basics of what i need?

i don't understand.

8:39 and i am angry already

what the fuck, seriously.

has nobody else noticed that i've been up at like
5am every fucking morning for the past two weeks?

and still people are surprised to hear
that i was up and waiting to say goodbye to them,
when i ask where they are and they tell me
they're already gone.

everyone is fucking leaving and i'm still sitting here,
wondering why the fuck i did this and why the fuck i did that,
and wondering why the fuck i bother

and mostly,
why the fuck i care.

haaaaa

i am bruised
in the weirdest way.

peeling the skin, feeling like a rabbit

everyone is a mistake

people are all made up of
threads of knowledge

collected and put in a pile
and moved only every so often,
so that

every time

just a little bit

completely at random

threads would attach and tangle
and knot and wear
and fray

and these mistakes
"a series of unfortunate events",
would create you

make you and break you
(because nevermind "or").

... i'm too high for this.

insomnia

"hey,
you and i
are going to have
a big
love affair
and it won't work
but somewhere in
the middle
my god, we tried."

i want that shirt.

i cannot sleep.

i think i kept people up last night.

we? wheeeee.

knot

there is no silence.
i will keep following the sirens.

ah, fuck it -
we only live once.

toes

"you're making it very difficult for me to behave myself, lmao."

last tequila

i just got cut off
because i didn't put out.

from what?
oh, funny story.

everything i do is
illegal,
immoral,
immature,

and wrong.

new developments:

1. when i'm high,
i can no longer sleep,
apparently.

2. when i'm not eating at a constant rate,
i feel so hungry i could eat a horse.
when i take a bite of something,
i feel so full i could be sick.

3. boys i turned down keep texting me.

4. i keep texting boys i turned down.

oh, 3 and 4.
i think everyone's regretting things a little bit.
hm.

first use of html in this whole blog, lol

sometimes i really, honestly cannot believe
that there was a time in my life when i actively, aggressively
wanted to end my own existence.

wow,
what the fuck,
really.

thanks for listening.

brush

how many times do you
have to/get to
turn people down
before it's over?

i wish there was a guide.

dog

"forbidden candles
glow twice as bright
when you're alone
and out of sight.
a scent that lingers
through the night -
i promise you,
i see your light."

well hey there, folks,
yeah, hi there, hello
what was that there about then, hm?
well gosh, gee, i just dunno there folks.

fuck.
why are some people so terrible to other people?

i wish sex was all there was.
i wish there was no love.

mother gothel

see, the problem with a five-person team
is that one person is always the fifth wheel.

ah, but -
it's always good
to have a spare.

staggering

sometimes i wish that my biggest problem was a broken heart or a broken bone, instead of a broken mind. but then i remember that no matter what the problem actually is, it's still a problem, and it would inevitably remain as big or small or infinite as any other problem.

i don't know how to take care of fish.

i don't even know where to start.
i keep telling myself that i just want it to die because then i can cry and tell myself that i can't even keep the simplest of creatures alive,
but i know that i'm just looking for attention
from myself.

i can barely keep myself alive on the best of days.

surprisingly, i'm not actually feeling that low.
i'm feeling fairly embarrassed, but that's beside the point.

i've lit candles and turned off the lights
and put in headphones and turned on the heat
and listened and listened and listened
to death cab for cutie.

"finally there is clarity,
this tiny life is making sense."

chives

i'm pretty sure
i was a vulture in another life.
(it might explain the nose.)

sometimes when i read your words,
you sound indescribably lonely.

you never outright say it -
and sometimes i have to read really, really hard to see it,
because sometimes i don't know if you know it either.

but if you do,
i'm sorry.

and if you don't,
i'm sorry.

loneliness is a scary thing.

i wish i could reach out
without falling out of my tree.

(i'm so tired of being a tree with no branches.)

ah, as it all becomes clear.

HORSE

just went on a cleaning rampage and essentially attacked my room,
which is probably a good thing, considering the fact that it hadn't been cleaned in,
oh, y'know, like
a month.

jesus.

how often are you supposed to clean fish bowls?
i'm at a loss.

i have a really bad feeling i'm going to kill janet templeton.
my fish, that is.
ah.

"so i'm told you have a scat fetish."

uh?

scat like scatman john?
yes please.

scat like shit?
naaat sew much.

stop texting me.

forget

i just woke my neighbor up listening to choir music.
ahhh.

i feel like shit.

mta hvac 8

ever had this moment?
fuck, it's awesome.

"beat me, treat me as you will,
i do not care, i do not care.
you carry on, and i'll stay still.
i'm well aware, i'm well aware:

you're angrier than yesterday,
surprise, surprise, surprise.
you finished yet? i'm on my way
to opening your eyes.

i win, i win.
you better just give in.
you've lost your cool,
my rule's beginnin',
baby boy, i win."

liepard

course selection time:
is "none of the above" an option?

HA! HA! HA!
WHY AM I SO FUNNY ALL OF THE TIME, U KNO?!