(because apparently

that whole holiday post
was me speaking too soon.)

spiderfruits to ribhippie

had to change my url today
because i'm finally cutting my slimy, entitled
bitch of a mother out of my life.

i am so tired of her conditional love.

got time

don't worry if you're not
what you would be, you thought,
back when you were young,
and didn't know a whole lot.

i'm no famed movie star,
but you are what you are,
and you're still in one piece
after coming this far.

ooh, baby girl,
you've got time -
all there is in the world.
you'll be fine.
you'll be fine.
you'll be fine.

don't sweat it if you ain't
quite a devil, quite a saint.
baby every new day
is a coat of fresh paint.

i'm no skilled engineer,
but i'm still right here.
and if i've still got my breath,
i will use it to cheer.

ooh, baby girl,
you've got time -
all there is in the world.
you'll be fine.
you'll be fine.
you'll be fine.

i'm no artist, i'm no author,
i have nothing here to offer.
no paper degree,
i'm no phd.

i'm no world record holder,
i'm just a day older.
i'm nothing to see
except me.

don't worry if you're not
what you would be, you thought,
back when you were young,
and didn't know a whole lot.

i'm no famed movie star,
but you are what you are,
and you're still in one piece
after coming this far.

ooh, baby girl,
you've got time -
all there is in the world.
you'll be fine.
you'll be fine.
you'll be fine."

whelp,
finally barfed up a full song.
ahem.

fuck.

wow, for real

i just read through a bunch of retweets or whatever on twitter;
this guy (@fart i think, ahaha idek) reblogged a bunch of snotty christmas tweets, basically just a bunch of people bitching about not getting cars or iphones or ipads or fucking whatever,
or getting them in THE WRONG COLOUR.
LIKE. WHAT.

and it's just this compilation of people outright BITCHING,
swearing at their parents and just throwing absolute tantrums on christmas day.
and some of them are even like,
"i feel bad for not getting my mom a christmas present but my iphone won't activate!"
like. i honestly cannot even. i just can't.

the part that makes me the most angry isn't even that some of them are young kids, like young enough that when i was their age i would never have DARED ask for a car or an iphone or whatever (i still wouldn't, wtf),
no, the worst part is that some of them are people AS OLD OR OLDER than i am.
throwing tantrums over their gifts.
on christmas fucking day.

my biggest disappointments with most recently passed christmases were
that my mom and stepdad were sick and didn't decorate because of it.
that my uncle was sick and couldn't make it for dinner because of it.
that i had no trouble at all falling asleep on christmas eve anymore.
that friends bought me gifts and i felt like a fucking poor person not being able to get them anything in return.
that i couldn't afford to buy my family the gifts i know they'd REALLY love.

and maybe i'm a little sour because of the last one,
because i know how it feels to have to settle on an alternative when you KNOW what it is that the person you're buying for would really like and you KNOW you just can't do it.

wow.
just wow.

this year the favourite gifts i received were wool socks from both parents because i never outright asked for them but it showed me that they listen,
homemade caramel corn and chocolate from a friend who lives in england,
a set of nail-clippers and other nail-care tools because it's one of those little things i always forget to buy even though i desperately need it,
and clothing that my mother and i went to buy together.

the reason the last one even made the list -
although i love all the clothing i got, of course, and i'm excited to wear them -
is because my mother and i spent four whole days together, all day,
eating lunch together and shopping and talking
and not fighting. not once.

i also found out that i'm set to inherit my grandmother's old tea china collection,
which all my friends are sick of hearing about i'm sure,
but i'm so fucking excited.

this christmas was amazing.

as lonely as i was back home
(because it's incredible how quickly things and people change when you're away)
i also realized how close i really am and how much i really appreciate
my friends from school.

i've video chatted with rory and liz,
had dinner and gone shopping with cass,
kept in contact with sam on facebook,
and ultimately i have just felt fucking connected to people for the first time in a long time, and this feeling is just strengthened by the fact that these people are from so far away and yet i know that they are close.

fuck.

i don't even know where this blog is going now, ahahahaha.
i'm so filled with anger from what i see in strangers, but for once i have somewhere else to look.
i have friends. real friends.
and i fucking love them.

so fuck your car,
fuck your iphone and your ipad,
and your 8gb, 4s, $700 internet bitching.

merry christmas,
really and truly.
happy holidays.

oh for fuck's sake,

this blog gets me in so much trouble
all the damn time.

don't read this if you don't want to know about a really weird personal kink/fetish/whathaveyou

seriously, i need to confess:
i fucking love gay porn.

not lesbians, i should specify - that grosses me out.
i can barely stand to look at my own vagina, nevermind anyone else's.

but i seeeriously like gay porn. a lot.
i don't even like straight porn, like at all.
mostly because of the vagina dealio again.
but gay porn.
man.

like,
i will watch videos, look at pictures,
read crazy cracked-out gay fan-written slash bullshit,
fuckinnn' yep, i love it.
it's an issue.

i was trying to reason it out,
because it's something that i've (understandably, i think) tried to keep hidden for a really long time. it's fucking weird. yeah, i know.

but i think what it really is,
like really,
is the dominance involved?
if that makes sense.

like,
in a straight scenario, a guy dominates a girl
(or i guess the other way around sometimes, but "ew" in my opinion)
and that's just the way it is.

but for a man to let another man dominate him,
it's a new level of dominance i guess, because it isn't a given.
women are sexually subordinate naturally i guess,
and to see a man take on that role is somewhat erotic,
in my mind anyway.

and i guess that it means for me is the same thing i've known all along,
which is that GOD DAMN IT CAN I PLEASE FIND A MAN WHO JUST FUCKING OWNS ME IN BED INSTEAD OF THE TIMID LITTLE MOUSE MEN I CONSTANTLY TAKE TO BED?
jesus.

anyway,
sorry about that, internet. really.
i just needed to get it out to try to make sense of myself.

obviously it's not something i'll broadcast in public or anything,
but it feels a little bit nice to not be completely and totally ashamed for a preference i have.
meh.

yyyeeeaaahhh,

suicide is honestly a more desirable course of action to me than dropping out.

consequently,
if i can't get my gpa up to at least AROUND a 3.0 by the end of this semester,
i am gone.

every song i fucking write is about the ocean

cool life.

"it's the moment you realize
there's a hole in your boat
and you're starting to capsize,
too heavy to float.

too far from the shore,
too late to turn 'round,
and you know from before
that you've already drowned.

who can you blame
when you're lost at sea?
whose cursed name
will you call?

it's all the same,
honey take it from me;
you mightn't not
bother at all."

there's a floating chariot on tv

"you sleep with a paper blanket,
and i lay beneath sheets made of stone.
and you're light with the breath of fresh canvas,
while i'm weighed down with feeling alone."

...

"if you plan to hurt me, please do.
get it out if you must
so we can move along
and i can give you my trust.

i don't mind bearing scars,
i can learn to adjust.
and i will shed my skin
when we turn to dust."

like snow

"lost in the whiteout,
too cold to curse.
too weak to fight out,
i fear for the worst.

and he's beaten, and he's bare,
and he's hardly even there,
and he shivers with the cold,
wanting winter uncontrolled.

i guess i saw it coming,
i've known it all along.
his bones are broken,
my bones are gone.

his bones are broken,
my bones are gone."

another attempt

if it ain't one, then it's the other:
please don't let it be my baby brother.

holes in boats

"i'm heavy as an anchor,
i'm drifting like a reed.
i'm sifting through the ocean
of the feelings i don't need.

i'm fine, i'm fine,
i can swim on my own.
i'll cast you to the tide,
i'll sink you like a stone.

i am better lost at sea.
i'm a siren, i'm a storm,
you're better where it's warm,
so turn your sails from me.
so turn your sails from me."

listening to sad music

lurking through boyfriend's cell phone, looking for ways to troll him...

notice entry in his memopad titled "peony",
remember the one time fuckin' like three weeks ago that i mentioned in passing that it was my favourite flower.

ladies and gentlemen,
i am dating a cheeseball.

~*~cOoL~*~

yesterday:
i tell boyfriend i don't like hanging out with him when he's high,
because he gets really spacey and i have to repeat myself every four seconds.
i tell him it's not that he can't go get high like ever,
but if he does, he can spend time with his bros.
no biggie, right?
cool.

last night:
boyfriend asks me if i think it's a good idea
for him to see if adderall helps him study better today.
i tell him no, probably not... don't fuck with prescription drugs.
he laughs and agrees.
cool.

today:
boyfriend does adderall in the afternoon.
cool.

tonight:
boyfriend gets high and tries to deny it when he comes to see me.
cool.



likeee,
what. just... what.
cool.

the timeline

when i was four years old
i remember, every night
my mother would turn on the fan in my room.
it didn't matter
if it was freezing cold in there,
when it was bedtime,
the fan went on.
and i hated that fan.
i hated that fan.
because the fan sounded
like daddy yelling.

when i was seven years old,
my dad left for a year.
he left in a blaze of anger and alcohol,
after a midnight fight with my mom
that left me with images of my mother dying
in the middle of the supermarket
and me, standing there,
not knowing what to do with the cart.
because when you're seven years old,
and your dad tells your mom,
"you're gonna die in front of your daughter,"
you never, ever think
it's going to be
at the hands
of your dad.

and when i was seven years old
and my mom yelled out the window,
"somebody call the police!"
while my dad cornered her in the guest room,
i suddenly realized that
no, mommy and daddy were not yelling
because there was a fire.
something was much more the matter with that.
and did you know
that in grade school
they teach you to make fire escape plans with your family
and they teach you nothing
nothing
nothing at all
to deal with this.

and when i was seven years old
and i started to cry because i was scared -
not of anything that was actually happening, really,
but more just scared because
i didn't understand -
my dad turned around
and picked me up
and carried me
out of the room and down the stairs.
and i started screaming
because the last thing i saw as we turned the corner
was my mother
standing there
looking more frightened than i have ever seen her
before that or since.
and i can't help but think
how it must have torn my father apart
to pick up his little girl
and hear her scream for her life.

when i was eleven years old,
my brother became violent
out of his own confusion
for what happened while he slept
back when i was seven years old.
and my mother
my mother
sent him away
to live with the man
who had threatened her life.
my father.

when i was thirteen years old,
i used to hide in the garage
while my brother and my dad went at each others' throats
over fights that i started.
i used to hide in the garage
and cry in the back seat of the car
while my dad held my little brother against the wall
by the cuff of his shirt
about how my brother
ought to still love
my mother.

when i was fourteen years old
my mother kicked me out too.
and i went to live with my dad,
who spoiled me rotten.
and everything was fine
until i said the wrong thing
and my little brother
had to come and take my dad out of the room
before he hit me.
and even after i moved back in with my mother,
i never told her,
and i never will.

when i was eighteen years old
i tried to kill myself
twice
and after the second time
my mother kicked me out again
because it was all too much.
and i lived by myself
and was as happy as i have ever been,
because finally i was alone
and there was nobody around
to hurt me
by loving me.

i am nineteen years old,
and what i know now is that
when i was four years old,
the fan did not sound
like daddy yelling.
daddy was yelling.
and when i was seven years old,
my dad
threatened the life
of my mom
in front of me.
and my mom
thought that she was going to die
in front of me.
and my dad,
this dangerous man,
picked me up and took me away
and my mom
just
watched.
and she never came after me.
and she let me go.
and i am certain
that even just a little bit
i broke my father's heart
when i screamed for her to help me.
and when i was eleven years old,
my brother became violent
because nobody ever took the time
to fucking explain to him
what happened that night
while he was still asleep
and why things happened the way they did
because i heard the fan
and i know now
about the yelling
but he
never
did
and nobody gives a fuck.
and i am certain
that my little brother,
my baby brother,
was beaten by my dad
while i hid like a fucking coward
in the fucking garage
at thirteen years old,
and that's why
when i was fourteen years old
my brother
knew how to save me.
and when i was eighteen
i tried to kill myself
because i was fucking tired
of everybody trying to love me all the time
because i have seen
all my life
what love is.

and at nineteen years old,
ladies and gentlemen,
no fucking thank you.

because at nineteen years old
i know
that being loved by someone
means being hurt over and over again
and being hurt because you hurt them
and being loved by someone
means never
never
never
forgiving them
for not coming after you.

(because i know it's easy to read this
and think my dad is the bad guy,
but my mother let him carry me away
after threatening to fucking MURDER HER
and that will always hurt a thousand times more.)

sands

"ocean spray,
a thousand miles away.
a thousand smiles today,
down on the sand.

summer breeze.
a laugh that comes with ease,
i'd like to hear it please,
that sunny band.

i can feel it in my hair and in my bones,
i can feel it when it sings those dulcet tones,
i can sympathize and harmonize and then
i am bathing in the ocean once again."

whelp fuck

you want to talk and i can't stop thinking -
try to walk it off and my legs are shrinking,
'cause i get so small when i'm counting down.
watch the clock fall 'til it hits the ground.
honing in on all my worst-case comebacks,
try not to cry when my heart reacts
to the traps i've laid out for when this plays out
and i finally figure out what you're on about.
mind over matter - i don't know what does.
i don't yet know why and i'm predicting "because",
waiting for a call as i try hard not to,
remembering the lines back from when i fought you,
and you said you didn't know if this was worth it
and i tried so hard but i'm still not perfect.
tell me what you want, boy, tell me what you need.
your silence leaves space for my mind to breed
all the terrible outcomes i'm hoping aren't true.
i just want to talk. i just want you.

dzjxhvdkjxhvkjsd

"tangled in the blankets,
dripping from the tap.
aim for steady pulses
with your hands in your lap.

and every hair you brush away,
every bit of skin you touch,
every look you ever gave
makes me think too much.

distance will test
what we have in this.
every breath that we invest
is a breath that i will miss.

i wanna capture every moment,
and lock them all away.
i wanna put them in a room
where i can make them stay.

i wanna visit every whisper,
every spot you ever kissed.
i am homesick for a place
that doesn't exist.

i am homesick for a place
that doesn't exist."

idk wtf this is either. fuck me sideways.

i drank an energy drink to try and finish my fucking homework and this is what i'm doing instead. kjhdgkjfdxv fuck fuck fuck. and i swear this energy drink just made me more tired. ugh.

goodnight, i think.

(i am going to tear out my fucking tonsils and throat with the dullest knives i can find, i swear. sdjvhdjxv)

poooooooooop

"let me know
if you want to go.
i won't fight it or try
to put on a show.

i'll just repeat,
as i stare at my feet,
i'm sorry, i'm sorry,
and then i'll retreat.

it's okay,
there's no right words to say,
so stop talking,
and simply start walking away.

i'll be fine,
cut free from your line,
'cause if it ain't me,
i'd rather not be the girl who kept you confined,

and i hope, i hope you understand
that it's just easier, it's kinder
if you just let go, let go of my hand
and go out there and find her, go and find her."

well shit, that sucked.

fuck, i wanna write a song about telling someone you love to leave you to find someone they love just as much...? if that makes sense.
why? fuck if i know.

it's hard because i guess i don't feel that way right now.
which is good for me, but shitty for my lyrics.

da-dum-dum.

candles

"if you had caught on fire
and there was nothing i could do,
i'd gladly take your hand
and let myself catch fire too."

i can't stop thinking

i hope you know that your mother thanked me for coming to your service,
and that it meant a lot to me that she did.
i feel like it probably meant a lot more to her than it would have to you,
but it's not something that i'll ever know for sure,
is it?

there's still a mark on the tree from where you left us,
and up until they paved over it there was still a mark on the road too.
it's strange to drive by and not see the skid marks.
it's strange to drive by and look for skid marks at all.

i can't help but tense up when we drive by that bend in the road,
that end of the line.
i don't understand.

your mother told me the story of you carrying home the wooden chair you made in shop class because you didn't ever want to be a bother to her.
why couldn't you just be a bother to her?
i don't think she'll ever stop blaming herself.

she scares me sometimes when she talks about you.
when she talks about dying.

i'm sure there are people who don't recognize your name anymore,
but then again i'm sure there are people who don't recognize mine either.
i guess the difference is that i'm still alive and therefore still fading.
you're dead and therefore just as vivid as you ever will be.

sometimes i feel like you'll be remembered more than anyone else,
and someday we'll all be dead,
except for you.

there's new bark growing over on the tree where you left us.
i don't know what to do.

never in my life

have i felt like more of a burden on my friends.

"take off my clothes and i feel useless,
don't think i know how to do this."

portrait

it's actually very difficult
being surrounded by a family
that isn't broken.

excuse me forgetting,

but these things i do.

i'm so fucking lost.

and then i get to thinking,

"the nike suicide:
just do it."

peach

last night i dreamed that he didn't hate my guts,
and that things were still okay.

we talked for a while,
and even though everything else about the dream was totally surreal,
that part stuck, and stayed.

it felt real,
and i feel like maybe it felt real because
i wanted to believe it was.

i woke up with the most overwhelming feeling
of no. not okay. no more. i'm done.

near the end of my dream,
he turned into me.

i don't know what that means.
i don't understand.

part of me wants to tell him how i've been feeling,
but i don't know if that's fair. after all,
i'm still not sure if it's because of him
or something else
that i want to kill myself.

but i think,
most of all,
i am afraid.

because in my mind, i can see it happening
where i tell him how i've been feeling,
and i say to him,

"i'm going to kill myself."

and he says,

"good."

yeah,

i don't want to be here anymore.

cracker cuts

here i am to take my bow.
we are more than over now.
dim your candles, kill the flame -
hide my face and hide the blame.

oh, you know,
i really have to go.

oh, you see,
you deserve more than me.

it's not about what could have been,
i believe in what i've seen.
i'd offer you one final kiss,
but i can't love you more than this.

i can't love you more than this.

suicide

because when you strip off the jewellery,
all i really am is tired, sorry, and sad.

kd

if you see me in the halls you better run, bitch, run.
this is the game you made, and it ain't no fun.
you could have had it easy, but you tried to be tough,
and now no matter what you do, it won't be enough.

float

i think that drowning,
if you really accepted it,
would be a painless way to go.

and pretty, too.

fack

trust me on this one, and just walk away.
i am a terrible idea, it's only fair to say
i will hurt you, i will destroy you and leave
and i will not give a shit like you wouldn't believe.

trust me on this one, it's proven as fact.
i am wearing a mask, please don't fall for my act.
i am selfish, i am rotten and mean.
i don't try to be dirty, but i can't come clean.

trapped

crooked rooftops, unlike the suburbs,
so counted and clean,
grainy mornings, mist from the trees
that surround us in green.

mist and distance cloud us from fear.
we can breathe in deep here.

crooked rooftops, perfect for climbing
while under the stars.
cracked pavement under lights, where in the city
there would have been cars.

we are so far away from what's holding us back.
we are so close to making up for what we lack.
you can be anyone you want, dear.
you can breathe in deep here.

mist and distance cloud us from fear.

something i've never told anyone

i think the first time i ever really thought about sex was back in either kindergarten or the first grade. i'm sure i didn't know what the hell i was actually thinking about back then, but still. it had to be sometime during that period because it was in the old public library in orangeville (we moved after first grade), up in the attic where the childrens' books were. i was obsessed with beatrix potter books, like the tale of peter rabbit and whatnot, and the book i read a lot at the time was "the roly-poly pudding", also known as "the tale of samuel whiskers". i don't remember everything that happens in the book, but i remember that at one point this rat tries to roll this kitten up in dough or whatever to turn him into a pudding. and i don't know why, but somewhere in my subconscious this registered as something sexual i guess because i used to read it and just look at the pictures over and over again and try to imagine what it felt like to be wrapped in dough and kneaded and whatnot. i know it doesn't sound sexual, and it actually sounds fucking stupid, but i remember feeling guilty every time i did it. i don't know. i guess just when i think back about it, it registers to me as something sexual.

i guess another one along those lines was this disney short where donald got stuck in a hair-styling machine upside down and they styled his like ass-feathers or whatever instead, bahahaha. i don't even know, but that was another one.

maybe this is why i can't have regular sexual relationships - every one of my earliest sexual fantasies (or whatever i should call them) involved some level of bondage.
... i'm gross.

yep. enjoy that one, internet.

varnish

i wish that i was far, far away from here.

"but maps can't tell time," you know?
you know.

i want to vanish.

black olives and green peppers

i'm starting to feel like the reason i love inception so much is because i would love to be able to wake up from this.

i don't know what i'm doing.

i don't know why i'm here.

i just want wooden floors in a one-bedroom apartment overlooking the city with a male white kitty named baby and mismatched furniture and lots of fresh fruit and vegetables in my fridge.

i don't know what i should do with myself anymore.

i'm tired.

loose ends

i'm not going to lie,
i sort of wish people called me
samantha.

hill

i don't know what i want.

and when i say that, i don't even mean
that there's a long list of pros and cons involved.
there isn't.

what i mean is that i literally cannot tell
what i'm feeling or thinking right now.

it seems to me that
i don't feel the same way about you that you feel about me.
but i know that
that could change in an instant - especially if i do something i'll regret.

i guess what it boils down to is that
i'm staying with you right now, even though i don't want to, because i know that if i break it off and regret it (which is likely), i won't know what to do.
and i can't tell if i'm just going through a low point and i'll still like you when i switch, or if i actually don't feel that way about you anymore.

fear is playing a factor, too, if we're being honest.

as much as i keep telling you to calm down,
i wish i could too.

bear

i don't know what i want, at all.

the world is a small, small town.

howl

"fish out of water,
bat out of hell.
out of the blue,
and ringing a bell.

wolf in sheep's skin,
it's wearing me thin.
let sleeping dogs lie,
'til the cold sets in.

can't you hear me ringing,
calling, singing.
waiting, winging
for words you might keep.

can't you feel me near you?
trying not to fear you.
listening to hear you
when you talk in your sleep."

i don't know what the fuck any of this means, but i like it.
why the fuck is it 4am?

maybe i'll finish this later.
... nope.

i don't understand what is happening in my brain

how do you tell someone that you have a personality disorder that makes it so that you will essentially idealize them one day and totally demonize them the next?
it sounds stupid to even blame that on a one-shot diagnosis.

i want to tell him that for every day that i let myself care about him,
there will be a day when i tell myself that something is off,
and that thing will usually be him.

it won't even be that anything is wrong, and it definitely won't be his fault.
but how do you explain that?

i feel like i'm essentially telling someone to just forgive me for not being able to be normal because i'm a terrible person from a medical standpoint.
and that just doesn't feel like enough.

how am i supposed to explain that my behaviour isn't actually my desired behaviour as much as it is a reaction to a perceived world that contains more psychological threats in my mind than it actually does, or than it does to a normal person?

how do you essentially warn someone that they will have to deal with the fact that i'm apparently not supposed to be held responsible for my own actions, and that they basically just have to deal with the fact that i'm a terrible person?

like fuck.

does any of this make sense?

it still fucking doesn't to me.

3:40

"i'm a mess,
i am no, and still i'm yes.
i am fast and i am slow,
i am stop and go.

i am infinitely overrated -
i am simply complicated.
i will hate you, bite you, fight you.
baby, you know i'll delight you.

oh, i know.
there's no need to let it show,
i'm just warning you before
you decide that you want more."

this turned out way more show-tuney than what i meant.
also, a lot less true.

argh, i don't even know.

yikezzz

so much dwaaama!

i just wanna go home and eat turkey.
heheheh.

holy fuck u gaiz.
stuffing. <3

missed class

so last night i couldn't sleep at all,
and i started to panic because i really haven't been going to classes like i should be,
so i took sleeping pills even though it was already 1am and i KNEW it would last past when i was supposed to get up,
but i guess i just freaked out, i don't even know.

so this morning rolls around and what do you know,
i can't get up.

it wasn't until noon that i finally could lift my arms for long enough to literally
peel my eyelashes apart.

what the fuck is the matter with me?
i feel like i'm wasting everyone's time by being here.
why can't i do the things that other people do so easily?
i don't understand.

what it boils down to is that

i'm scared.

carpet

we have accumulated almost $600 in fines already this year.
the other two large residences of comparable sizes have zero and two separately.
like what?

... like. just what?

something's off.

space bar

i need to learn how to take my pills on a regular basis.

how has only fifteen minutes passed since he was in here?

lucky me.

hangnails

i don't know how to not be angry or aggressive anymore.
i don't know how to not be mean.

what happened?
i don't understand.

residence

i folded a bunch of wishing stars today.
anna got me the strips. i'm really happy.
i probably would never have learned how if she hadn't.

i want to string them up and hang them in my room.

christmas lights would also be nice.

cool story bro

i don't want to be here anymore.

i don't know if i mean university,
or something else.

lykke li

i, i follow
i follow you
deep sea baby
i follow you

holy fuck, yes.

1/5

i really need to get cracking on these assignments.
i guess i'm giving myself a break?

i just want to be camping already.

am i the only one who uses their blog anymore?
we've all migrated to tumblr.

huh.

bruce round 2

weakerthans - one great city
crystal castles - untrust us
young the giant - my body
oh land - sun of a gun
mumford and sons - little lion man
bon iver - woods
muse - starlight
foster the people - helena beat
augustana - sweet and low
death cab for cutie - title and registration
manchester orchestra - april fool

... will add more later, maybe

jesus christ, how do people actually sit and make roadtrip playlists?
my attention span is shot.

i'm dizzy

i was bored at work today so i started researching some of the medication i've been on, ahaha. it's pretty much the exact opposite of what it healthy when you're taking medication like this, but ah well.

i found a blog literally called, "cipralex and me," which made me laugh. cipralex is the anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication that i've been on for the past 3 years. in those three years, i have been on the 10mg, then the 20mg, then the 30mg dose, and now i'm back down to 20mg. one of the things that really pissed me off about that blog was that the writer claimed to be on the 20mg dose, "the highest dose there is". uh, no, actually, you ignorant twat.

i don't know why it got me so mad but i'm legitimately pissed off. i mean to each his own, but it's frustrating to find out that there are stupid people like that giving the medication and its users a bad name by simply NOT KNOWING THEIR SHIT.

whatever. whatever. whatever.

i need to stop googling this shit, ahahaha.

thursday

can i please think about something else now?

last night i pounded out three 800-word critiques for my sociology correspondence course. the first two were exactly 800 words and the third was like 732 or something. it was also pretty bad in quality i think, but it was 1am and i was tired and i had to get up in 6 hours, so it'll have to do.

11 days.

tonight i'll write my sociology midterm and try to at least start on my 5 psychology assignments. we'll see how that goes.
i haven't done any reading at all for that course, so hopefully i can at least mostly bullshit it.
argh.

i feel like this year, once i'm actually back at school, i might have a better handle on my schoolwork. i know how to study now, and it's just a matter of timing. i know how to sit down and get work done and now that i've figured it out, i actually enjoy it for the most part.
it's the stress that i hate, and all i need to do is avoid it.
i know how. i just have to DO it.

hm.

i'm going blonder this weekend and hopefully talking out the last four weeks and figuring out whether i think it was a waste of time now, or whether i'll think that in a few more weeks. i don't even know.

i know i've never felt this way about someone else before, but i also know that i've felt this way about myself before and i'm not sure that it's worth it. then again, this is how i always feel until i see them in person.

damn it, here i go again.

i just spent $300 online at forever21 and urban outfitters. i hate spending money at those places because i know it's all cheap, trendy, mass-produced shit and i could get way better quality at a way better price (not to mention better selection, style and originality) if i got my ass downtown, but it doesn't look like i'll have time to visit toronto this summer.

next summer i definitely want to be able to have time off.
we'll see.

oh and also, because i don't really have much to do at work right now:
august 18th, 2011 - 11 days at home - august 29th, 2011.
august 29th, 2011 - 39 days at mta - october 7th, 2011
october 7th, 2011 - 3 days at home - october 10th, 2011
october 20th, 2011 - 31 days at mta - november 10th, 2011
november 10th, 2011 - 3 days at home - november 13th, 2011
november 13th, 2011 - 41 days at mta - december 17th, 2011
december 17th, 2011 - 15 days at home - january 1st, 1012
january 1st, 2012 - 47 days at mta - february 17th, 2012
february 17th, 2012 - 9 days at home - february 26th, 2012
february 26th, 2012 - 60 days at mta - april 26th, 2012

... yep.

i'm stupid

i miss you.

(i want to see you but if i can't do that
i at least want to be able to talk to you.)

too many exclamation points

"rinsing grease from the kitchen sink,
giving you some time to think,
hoping it won't give you time to leave.

paint my nails and paint my face,
hide my nerves and my disgrace.
finding words i hope you might believe."

300

"i need to think about it."

yeah, so did i.
and i've thought about it, and i've realized
that you're just putting off telling me no,
and i'm just putting off hearing it.

i think we should just stop.

we should never have started.

broken nails

i don't want to have to do anything ever again.

is that allowed?

fuckpiece

if any fucking guys approach me for sex this year i am legitimately going to fucking castrate them.

so sick of this shit.

waterfall

i can't believe i thought that anything would be different and that i would be worth it this time just because he wasn't an asshole like the rest of them when i've known the whole time that it has nothing to do with them when i'm the common factor and i'm the repeat offender and i'm the fucking problem and i can't believe i let myself feel safe when i should have known what was coming the way i knew it all the other times even if i did fall right into the trap anyway because at least back then i was ready and i wasn't completely stupefied and humiliated and fucking devastated.

i'm so tired of being a fucking idiot.

i really do want to die.

i wish none of this had happened at all.
i fucking hate him and i know, i know i don't.

i can't stop crying.

what a fucking joke. as if i'd ever be worth the trouble.
such a solitary suicide, my life is,
and i'm taking my sweet fucking time.

don't look back

at this crumbling fool.

shitty

"a thousand miles away,
an hour's change in time.
i can't promise you today
if when i leave you draw the line.

i need more than just a taste
of what i know i'll never be.
i don't have the time to waste
pretending you and me

have what it takes to make it real,
what it takes to make it right.
what it takes to make me feel
like i'm safe alone at night.

what it takes to make it last
when we're incredibly apart.
when i know i'm falling fast,
and i'll have to catch my heart.

i guess it's too early for love,
and it's still too late."

lash

if there is a god then i guess at least i'm not as fucking alone as i thought,
but if there is a god then why is he such a fucking asshole? or is he just another one of the same shit.

i fucking give up, i don't give a fuck.
i'm fucking tired.

is goodnight forever an option?

"shame on me.
falling in too deeply.
a pretty little fuckpiece, silly little fool
is all i'll be.

shame on me,
how did i still not see?
i knew it was a repeat, naive little tool
i gave for free.

i'm sorry, i'm sorry,
i'm always so sorry,
but who have i got to blame?

i'm sorry, i'm sorry,
i'm always so sorry,
but in the end it's all the same.

i'm never worth the trouble, the try.
just rinse and repeat with a new fucking guy,
who can fuck me and use me and kiss me and bruise me
and leave me alone to cry.

shame on me.
shame on me.
shame on me.
shame on me."

him who?

"i won't promise you forever,
i just want to be alone together.
kiss me now,
show me how
you'd love someone."

the chorus to a song that i'll probably never write.

an attempt at understanding

i'll start off by saying that hey,
i don't know what it's like to be addicted to drugs.
or alcohol. or cigarettes. or sex.
or anything.

i'll just get that out of the way because fuck it,
i'm being as honest as i can, with myself and everyone else,
so let's lay it out as it is.

that being said,
here we go.

i am so tired of living in a family that prioritizes pity over pride and praise.
like the alliteration? try to read it literally.

my brother is a seventeen-year-old cocaine addict and drug dealer, living in my dad's basement. he was supposed to graduate high school this year. he has zero high school credits. i get it - the kid's had it rough. his mother "abandoned" him due to his violent tendencies back when he was nine years old, and since then it's been hard for him to trust people - especially women. i fucking get it. but why does that mean that his choices in life are okay? why does that mean that he gets to bring our family down to a whole other class of human fucking beings? i am so sick of feeling like societal garbage because our house is the fucking drug hut on the street. i am so tired of being embarrassed to bring people over to my house, or introduce them to my family, or TALK about my life at home.

why am i feeling like the fuck up here?

i am busting my ass at university, and no, the results are not always fucking spectacular, but i am DOING IT. i am fucking going out there and turning myself into SOMETHING and SOMEONE. why does every little fuck-up of mine get thrown back in my face when my LITTLE BROTHER can be fucking three steps away from tapping a vein in his arm and everyone turns a blind eye?

i know we've all tried to help him. i get it. he has to want it for himself. he has to help himself. none of us can save him. so can we all stop investing our resources in a fucking dead-end street?

dad, i get it. you were like this once and your mom stuck by you. you're playing grandma marian and there's nothing i can do to stop you without having you fly off the handle in the same way that you've passed down to him.

mom, i get it. you and your father never got the chance to develop a proper male-female, parent-child relationship, and you've projected that onto tim by abandoning him in the same way that you abandoned your father, all the while feeling like it's the other way around.

tim, i get it. you're addicted and you feel like you're stuck in a hole. you try to be a good person but you're so far in that it's hard to get out and although you resent the opinions of those who RIGHTFULLY (and you know it) criticize you for your decisions in life, you're too stubborn to let up and prove them right by admitting that you're a bad influence and cleaning up your fucking shit.

i get it, i get it, i get it.

and i don't fucking get it at all.

when did it become standard practice to help those who don't want it but need it as opposed to helping those who want it but don't need it? i guess always, really.

we all want the glory of saving someone.

i can't wait to get myself somewhere where i can just fuck off and never speak to any of these people again and never have to deal with people who you're supposed to constantly report back to despite the fact that you would be FINE without them if you had the resources to fend for yourself, which you don't have because a whole other person is sucking them into a fucking abyss.

there are days when i wish he'd never been born.

but right now, realistically,
i am waiting for him to hit rock bottom,
and get back up,
or don't.

because that is all there is anymore.

i'm sorry, dad, but he's not like you.
you lived in a time where a seventeen-year-old drug addict with no motivation could rise from the ashes and get a job and work his way up while making money to compensate for what he used to make in dope cash.

tim lives in a time where a seventeen-year-old drug addict with no motivation has to get his ass to high school AT LEAST, then to some post-secondary bullshit if he wants a real job, all the while making little to no money at either a part-time job or NOTHING, and he's expected not to sell drugs. and if he does sell drugs, do you think he won't do them?

he's fucked. completely fucked. it's too fucking late.

i hate to give up on him and i wish it wasn't true because i will never, never stop loving him and i will always do my best to make him feel like a valued person, but he is too far in the trash and there is no saving him now.

why does he get so much praise for vacuuming the front foyer?
I'M GOING TO UNIVERSITY. I'M GOING TO BE SOMETHING.

i guess this is a cry for attention.
i don't know what else it could be at this point.

just write this whole thing off. fuck it.

mostly i just wish that he would either stop getting our hopes up for no reason and actually clean up his act, or die.
and i have to wonder if that makes me a terrible person.

i already know the answer.

this is why, no matter how much you tell me things will change, mom -
no matter how much you tell me you'll embarrass me at my wedding, dad -
no matter how much you say that i act like a mom, tim -

i will never, never, NEVER put myself through the fucking awful experience
of having a family again.

the magic words

"stop thinking i don't want to see you.
i WANT to hang out with you."
oh boy, you say all the right things.



i'm glad i got to see some of my friends from university last night,
even if it was over the internet.

i was starting to feel like i didn't want to go back.

i needed to be reminded of why i love it there.



i'm still going to miss him.
is that weird?

minnou

"lost in the rain,
come home, come home again.
come back where it's warm,
where it's safe from the storm,
come home, come home again."

20 days

it's not enough,
it's not enough,
it's not enough.

nothing is ever enough.

---

my brother let the cat out last night.

the old, sick cat.

it's raining today,
and she's gone.

i really like the third line actually

"i meet a nice boy before headin' to school,
i finally have the time and i meet a tool,
it's the luck of the draw and i forgot my pen.

i go in for the kiss and my dad walks in,
i try my very best, but i just can't win,
i'm dealing with a force beyond my ken.

my timing's not worth jack,
my karma's out of whack.

hey, i wanna go in for a kiss,
but i'm afraid that i might miss,
that i might laugh,
that i might miss my other half.
what if it's wrong and i'm mistaken
once my heart's already taken?
i just remember, every night,
someday i'll get it right."

pretty much sums it up.

pirouette

why couldn't i have met you earlier?

nothing is ever fair.

i don't understand

i don't speak your language.
can someone translate?

if this is what couples go through on a regular basis,
fuck that.

god damn

some cheesy bullshit lyrics i pumped out while at reception today.

what a fuckin' john mayer ballad, jesus.

"napping just to pass the time.
oh, remember back when we had things to do,
places to go, people to see?

fast forward or just rewind,
either way's a better day than sitting here and wishing who
i was would come back to me.

i'm not me
when i'm without you.
can't you see
i care about you?

oh, bring me back to the days when i could hold your hand in mine
and know, no matter what, that things would turn out fine, and i say,
hey, if you feel like i do, then say so and i'll come to you.
there's nothing i'd like more than to see this through."

tricks are for kids

and i really don't have time for games,
but it doesn't mean i wanna grow up
any more than i ever did.

i'd like to be young forever,
but if growing older means that i can stop breaking my nails,
i suppose i'd be fine with that too.

purple nail polish doesn't suit adults,
but if i call it violet, can i please be excused?
i'd like to leave the table now.

four legs in the kitchen and none of them are mine,
folded neatly under me like a knitted bundle in a wicker basket.
the table top seemed a lot higher back then.

i think the measure of how old you really are
is when you can no longer cross your legs like you did in kindergarten,
waiting to hear the stories that you no longer believe in.

i think the measure of how young you ever were
is when something ends and you never really cared when you were young,
but now it makes you cry like you really are a child.

i remember drawing profiles at the dining room table,
over and over because back then quantity was better than quality,
and the quality was always good enough anyway.

there was no such thing as imperfection back then.
everything was the best it could be, just the way it was.
and then i got older.

i know that wine and wood get better with age,
but i'm starting to believe that it's not the same with people.
and i am aging still.

tree removal

i got an antique chair from work today.

i want an apartment in the city already,
and a cat and sooo many veggies in my fridge.

wooden floors and exposed brick,
a balcony with a view of the stars in the city,
and a bedroom with little lights hanging above the bed.

and everything would be old and loved and perfect.

i like shopping for furniture.

i'm going to start a garden.

the truth

so maybe i got a little bit ahead of myself,
but i'm just so far behind in everything else
that sometimes it feels like it's now or never.
i just wanna be alone together,
and you - you don't want a damn thing
and that's nothing for me to get upset about,
but i am, and fuck you and fuck this and fuck me
because it's all i'm good for anyway.

i am a little bit of everything
and not enough of anything
to be worth more than nothing
to you.

...

thoughts like this are starting to feel less and less like bleak angst and more and more like the truth, after all.

my first real date, i guess

19 years old:

we got frappes at a hippie cafe and walked along the lakeshore to a lighthouse
and met the cutest puppy and watched the neatest birds
and a plane flew right over us from far away.

we climbed over rocks and talked about driftwood
and art and a little bit of everything, really.

it was short, but good.

i wanna see you.

11:14

yesterday i made bacon perogies baked in onion broth and cheese,
with green beans and rice.

today i made filet mignon wrapped in bacon,
with fried mushrooms and garlic noodles.

i actually love cooking.

the record

boyfriend #1
- dated for 30 days in eleventh grade
- recently posted a picture of him and his new BOYFRIEND kissing on facebook
- ahahahahahahahahahaha
- what is my life

boyfriend #2:
- possibly semi-retarded
- okay, so actually semi-retarded... went to a school for learning disabilities
- upperclassman who approached me while i was insecure and vulnerable pre-frosh week
- dated for a week, dumped him/made up every time i was drunk
- i was always drunk
- lol

boyfriend #3:
- sort of a douche, to be honest
- mostly attracted to him because he actually fought for me
- dated for a week, dumped me because i wouldn't put out
- promptly hooked up with his roommate
- IT WAS AN ACCIDENT I SWEAR
- ... haaa

i have no idea what the fuck i'm doing.

sum lyricz~

"a week before the summer starts,
i'll meet you and we'll both begin to smile.
with laughing eyes and beating hearts,
we'll talk until it's more than just a while.

but you'll be busy, i'll be gone,
and after that we won't have time to spare.
and for a while, we'll both move on,
but never for a moment cease to care.

i can see it now.
i can see it now.

some silly, sorry twist of fate,
and suddenly we both have time to meet.
we'll probably stay out much too late,
and by the end you've swept me off my feet.

but you'll be scared and i'll be shy,
and it'll take too long to seize the day.
and looking back, i'll wonder why,
but that won't change the outcome anyway.

i can see it now.
i can see it now.

[some sort of break?]

and if we ever follow through,
it won't be 'til july is two weeks past.
and you'll have me and i'll have you,
but flights are booked and we know it won't last.

the last two weeks will fly right by,
and in the end we won't know what to say.
and i won't look you in the eye,
as i ask, "was it worth it anyway?"

i can see it now.
i can see it now.

a week before the summer starts,
we'll meet and then we both will feel the sway.
and for the sake of both our hearts,
i wish that we would both just walk away,

but i can see it now.
i can see it now.

i can see it now.
i can see it now."

the promise

you don't get me now,
because you didn't want me then.
and you will never never never never
have me back again.

instead

i really enjoy cooking and baking,
and i really do like cleaning when it's my mess,
or a mess that i can identify, ahaha.

i think i'd like being a housewife,
if i ever found someone whose trust i didn't fear.

y'know?
heh.

what is this i don't even

why the fuck do i keep writing raps?!
i'm a scrawny little white girl.
someone please slap me.

"tree-huggers, mother-lovers and uncle-fuckers,
it's oedipus in the eighties, smoking huffers
and watching cult movies like another infection -
nothing like insanity to gain an erection.
affection can take another turn for the worse
as we weed out the weak like they're some kind of curse,
and we let the young die and we let the old live,
and we fabricate lies just for something to give
for free to the grieving as an explanation,
as if words could wisen the rage of a nation.
don't waste your poetry, don't waste your breath,
you wasted your youth and you're waiting for death.
it's fine, your lives are on the line, please hold -
i'm sorry but we're only doing what we're told.
it's the same rules we live by every day:
obey. obey. obey. obey."

backfiling

this was inspired by casile's last blog post.
heheh.

"business cards embroidered into everything you own,
ooh, it's a wonder to me, ooh.
you're making phone calls every day, but you go home alone.
ooh, it's a wonder to me, ooh.

cheques are coming in on thursday,
sign direct deposit from your soul.
it's quite the tax.

always working his or her way,
baby, this damn life will eat you whole.
can't you just relax?

instead of loving who you are, you're loving what instead.
ooh, it's a wonder to me, ooh.
i don't know the price to pay to get inside your head,
ooh, it's a wonder to me, ooh.

pay the man to pay your way,
you'll need the extra papers to get by.
how do you ID?

training tells you what to say,
like how you love your job when it's a lie.
baby, come with me.

i wanna teach you to unlearn the things you've never cared to know,
want to take you every place you've always said you couldn't go,
wanna show you how to count what's good - and i don't mean the bill.
if it takes our whole damn lives to show you, babe i swear i will."

oh shit,

i'm in trouble.

(why, boy, why)

i honestly have no idea what this is.

skies are grey and cloudy out in every direction,
i can't tell whether it's weather or another infection.
motorcyclist killed by a big mac truck on the highway,
eat fresh, yeah, i'm lovin' it, baby, doin' it my way.
catch up or be made into ketchup, this is the modern age,
not modern warfare, but close enough, on the final page.
page? what? can you define that for me?
i just scroll down the screen until i like what i see.
let's face it: the only paper we'll ever need
is for rap music videos or purchasing weed,
because everyone is plastic and i don't mean with credit -
even though i know i'm not the only one to have said it.
we're all fabricated images, we're only accepted by
lubricated imaginations with no need to question why.
either that, or we're real and we're feared,
because we've never liked the truth as it has ever appeared.
that's why man invented media and media trends,
because it's all about advertisement and means to the ends.
who needs a magic bullet? make some homemade cement!
it's not the only useless thing we've tried to invent.
we only buy this junk because we're drunk on media truth,
used to modify and multiply and sell back our youth.
and we buy it and hide the receipt so we can deny it,
justifying it by rolling it up and smoking or frying it.
supersize that please, no need to see my knees,
i'll just complain at a later date when i'm paying fees
for exra seats in vehicles whose specific fabrication
allows and even advertises blatant humiliation.
we all want to be small and yet the standard is not,
and no one seems to realize that "normal" is not sought.
you know we set the bar, right? those jeans are far too tight.
just put your sweats back on and kiss your fries goodnight.
google it up and seek out another diet,
set your mind to a mindset where you're willing to try it,
or change the standards under which your live is governed now,
because although we fear the change, it's got to happen somehow.
we're all fat and lazy, or drunk or drugged or crazy,
and the inconvient truth is that the sky's remaining hazy.
where did the seasons go? everything just stays the same,
and though there once were four, it's really just a name.
i don't even know what i'm babbling about, i'm just bored.
getting tired of an internet that i've already whored,
and i'm done with all the same old ways of wasting minutes, man.
i'm just like everyone else - got no attention span.
every day we pick up something new, we never follow through,
it comes back to the change that we're all freakin' allergic to.(achoo!)
whatever, 'cause the fact of the matter is we can all complain,
and boy do we ever, but we never seem to find refrain.
we all want things to fix themselves, which must mean they're broken,
but for all the problems named, no solutions are spoken -
well, actions speak louder than words, but who wants to start?
being different and liked is an extinct art.
and so we stick to where it's safe in eternal procrastination
in a distinct lack of revelation sweeping the nation.
and we amuse ourselves with reality only on the TV
when the real reality is everything we don't see.
kids raised in developed worlds living without a home
snorting powder off of a mirror 'cause they're angry and alone
addicting themselves to the closest thing to safety they've had
because at least if it's the same then it can't be that bad
and while they're killing themselves, other kids are killing each other
watching foreign second graders blow the head off their brother
watching hundreds of angry men hurling stones at their mother
and wondering if they should join in or look the other
way, because there's no such thing as stopping death
making change in the world where we all waste breath.
and if someone else doesn't get you, you might as well split
so pick your poison or your rope or which wrist you can slit.
this got dark all of a sudden, so let's turn on a light.
don't worry - some religion out there has to be right.
if we wait for long enough, someone'll save the day
so let's sit back, relax, and just hope to be okay.

ahahahahahahahahahahaha:

tell me, anyone, have we located our saviour yet?
well nevermind, he's probably busy surfin' the internet.

this weekend

lyrics:

"bean bag chairs and glassy tanks,
and trendy indie piggy banks.
and you got every reference i could make.

your eyes are light and young and warm,
you finish words that i can't form -
oh boy, you know it's all that i can take.

maybe it's booze, or maybe it's love,
but i just think you're cute.
it's that goofy smile i'm thinking of,
and i just can't compute.

boy you're crazy, it's so simple,
wish i'd seen this way before.
i don't know just what to call it,
all i know is i want more."

i suppose i'll write the rest another time.

red lights and power lines

i've always said that i'm terrible at keeping in touch with people, and i know this to be the truth. the difference is that i've never cared before and now i'm finding myself feeling guilty for not trying because i do care this time around.

i miss you all so much.

i've been so exhausted working full-time that i haven't even been finding the time to get on facebook or skype or even check everyone's blog or tumblr like i usually do. even when i did on a regular basis, i never really made a point of actually telling people that hey, i care about what's going on in your life. i keep up with what you have to say because i value every word.

god, i miss you all so much.

i just wanted to apologize because i lumped you all in with so many other people from my past who i never deemed worthy of my time, which in and of itself is probably pretty shallow, but that's always the way it's been. it's hard to change, especially when i myself am experiencing new things, but the fact of the matter is that i have no excuse, no matter how tired or busy i am, because all the friends i have now are so very worth it to me in ways that i have never experienced before.

god, i fucking miss you all so much.

i don't even know if we're as close as i believe in my heart we are sometimes, but i guess that's just common insecurity talking. the fact of the matter is that i really care about you guys and if that means that i have to put myself out on a limb or make you feel weird about it the first go around, that's fine by me because you should know that people think about you and care about you even when it makes you blush or laugh or shrug. i guess what i'm really saying is sorry for not checking my blog and your blog and keeping in touch and just making myself available to you because i feel like for the first time in a long time i really do want to be there for someone, and i feel so blessed that it's really not just someone, it's someones.

god, i fucking miss you all so damn much.

i am so grateful for my experiences, and i fucking love mount allison university.

i can't wait to be home.

good cookie

do you believe in soulmates?

i'm still reeling.

blinking

"every bump in the road doesn't have to be a car crash."

sometimes i wonder if other people are overreacting,
or if i'm underreacting.

i know that borderline personality disorder is supposed to make it a little bit difficult to identify with other people, but i feel like i'm pretty emotional at the same time.
i don't even know what that means.

i just can't tell if i'm being insensitive,
or if other people are oversensitive.

i worry a lot about it,
but i don't know what to do.

i'm trying to care, and that doesn't mean that i don't -
but for some reason i just can't find the energy to expend
worrying the way you do.

relax,
take it easy.

i've been a lot happier since i learned to do the same,
but sometimes

i still wonder.

a sombre lullaby

well oops -
tried to write a nice little bedtime song, and this is what resulted...
i lol'd.

"goodnight, goodnight.
if i close my eyes, will i be alright?
today was hard, but now it's done.
i'm tired and gone, and so's the sun.

goodnight, goodnight.
i'm crawling into bed, turn out the light.
i want to sink into the sheets until i'm swallowed.
i want to sleep my life away, until i'm hollowed.

until i'm...

goodnight, goodnight.
when the morning rolls around, will i have strength to fight?
i've had to push to find my way,
and if it's all to be the same, i want to stay

in bed forever.

goodnight, goodnight,
goodnight, goodnight,
goodnight."

i am the ocean

some lyrics, right, because why not, ya kno?
i should go to bed.

"there are days it seems i'm floating in the sea,
bobbing back and forth on what i should or shouldn't be.
and when it boils down, i'd rather drown
than be anything for anyone but me.

i won't falter,
i'm steady like the tide.
you won't alter
the sea of me inside.

there are waves in me that crash against the shore
of what i have today and what i'm waiting for,
but i never hide, i stay and i collide
wanting summer rays and ocean sprays and more.

i am the ocean, you are the sailor in the storm,
ride it out, calm me down -
my love, please stick around.
i can be cold, i can be oh-so warm.

there are days i'm lost, too far from any beach,
sinking and thinking your raft is out of reach.
but when i see the moon, i swell and i swoon
and i lap up the patience i preach.

i won't falter,
i'll rise and i will fall.
you won't alter
the ocean's constant call.

ooh~ (x4, varied... hard to explain this part, ahaha)

i am the ocean, you are the sailor in the storm,
ride it out, calm me down -
my love, please stick around.
i can be cold, i can be oh-so warm.

i am the ocean, you are the sailor in the storm,
ride it out, calm me down -
my love, please stick around.
i can be cold, i can be oh-so warm."

aaand back to our regularly scheduled programming,

i'm going blonde on saturday!
AAAAAHHHHH.

steph and i went to this cosmetology outlet just for a laugh and i tried on a blonde wig. it was weird as hell, obviously, because it was a wig, but i think i like it.
we'll find out anyway, ahahaha.

i'm so stoked for this weekend,
friday: sleepover/girls' night with sarah
saturday: BLONDE for three hours (that's how long it takes, btw, not how long i'll be blonde for, ahaha... unless it's really horrible), holy eff, and then chiwwin' wif melissa
sunday: sleeeeepthafuckin, i hope, and then steph's hausss <3

heheheheheh.

also,
i'm learning to make thread bracelets.
so far they're all pretty ratty, but they're getting better really fast.
woooooooooo!

double dog

i dare you to share this post the way you share the one that you used to villainize me, by the way.

i doubt you will,
but if you do, i commend you.

you can't just promote your own view,
and call it just.

(... if i could stop being so damn forgetful, i wouldn't have to post like 900 entries in one go... argh.)

and in my usual, unedited, brash and harsh tone:

if i need to explain myself to you this in-depth,
we are probably not a good match for one another,
ahahahaha.

should you see fit,
please kindly remove yourself quietly and civilly from my existence.

i haven't the time to waste
on anything more elaborate or theatrical.

/end post that people will inevitably jump to and chew on,
despite the detailed explanation given below...

but it's easier to use only the evidence that is in your favour, right?
right. ;)

the fine print

this is probably going to be a pretty long-winded post,
and it's also probably going to be one of the ones that people disagree with,
if you're of the group of people who generally tend to disagree with things i put on my blog.

i would like to say as a disclaimer,
which may or may not even be effective,
that if you're going to try to use this or any other post against me in any way, shape or form,
don't.

i simply do not care.

i encourage you to read as much of my blog as you'd like,
and i encourage you to disagree with what i write so long as it's what you believe in.
but i have no patience or energy to spend on your personal dramas.
if you'd like to discuss any difference of opinion with me (or with anyone else), i encourage it. i shape and reshape many of my opinions through discussion with other people, because there is no other way to get out of your own head.
i believe that failure to engage in meaningful discussions with people of different viewpoints is the true definition of ignorance.

that being said, sometimes ignorance is the easier and safer choice.
and i don't mean that in some sort of accusatory way - i'm not talking cowardice.
a hard lesson i've had to learn is to simply choose not to engage someone because you know that you'll get out of hand.
the hard part about it, though, is recognizing that it is you, and not the other person, that is the reason that the discussion cannot happen.
only you can be held responsible for the choices you make.

i have learned this lesson before,
and like all lessons, i continue to learn it in new scenarios all the time.
i encourage other people to take it into consideration as well.

should you choose, based on anything i say or post within this blog or without,
to no longer have relations with me - that is fine.
it is something i have had to do before with other people, and i respect that type of decision.

don't expect me to fight you as you go.
don't expect me to get angry or upset or try to change your mind.
i won't.

if you can leave that simply, that quickly, that easily,
you are not an acquaintance of any value to me right now.
emphasis: right now.

understand that just as you have made the choice to disengage from me,
i will both respect and return your actions.

however, i will always be open to the prospect of a later time,
at which the both of us will have grown and perhaps become better for one another.
people change - and sometimes that change can be trying.
if a lack of my influence will ease your transition,
so be it. i wish you the best of luck.

to the people who have inevitably figured out that this is directed at them:
i hope you are reading this.
my viewpoints constantly change, and as such my blog shows quite the evolution of my own thoughts when it comes to the content posted here.
as i said before, i especially value discussion - my opinions honestly change after every interaction i experience. sometimes the change is great, and sometimes it isn't. sometimes the change is in the form of a question of my previous beliefs, and sometimes it is in the form of those beliefs being strengthened.
either way, as i said before - things change.
i hope you will check back to see them so as not to close your mind to who and what i am.
i cannot be defined in one post.

however, should you choose to try, it is your choice and your loss.
and of course, that being said, check back in your own time.

and again, just to clarify,
to the people who have inevitably figured out that this is directed at them:
no, my viewpoints on the issue that sparked all the recent controversy has not changed. in a better state of mind, as i have said before, it has calmed, but remained unchanged all the same.

as i explained to sarah, a person i have great respect for,
this blog is, as much as it is a public website, a personal tool.
should anything i post here startle or confuse you,
i encourage you to ask.

ask, ask, ask.

we will both find answers in your questions.

and to ben, a person whose different opinions i have often considered and valued,
and i mean this as an expression of my opinion, withholding any offense,
i hope you grow up soon so we can regain the common ground we once shared.

and once more, that being said,
i know we all have a little growing up to do yet.

black and white

it's strange; i always forget other people read this.

it's always an odd mixture of feelings when i'm reminded... like flattery, dread, and just plain confusion.
i won't apologize for the things i say, because i say them for a reason.
but i apologize for making you feel something
that i neither intended or expected.

so thank you.



facebook was even more surprising tonight:

[You]
hey girl! i'm sure it's a sensitive subject for you and i just wanted to be sure that you understood that i meant no personal offense on any level with the "that's so" debate - just sharing a different opinion!
and like i said, i completely understand your viewpoint - it just isn't something i know personally, so naturally mine's different :)

[Sarah Works]
i know you didn't mean it to personally offend me or to anyone else
but after reading your blog
i can't respect your views

[You]
and that's fine - my blog is a personal tool i use to vent, so generally what i say on there comes out pretty raw :P i was angry when i wrote what i did and although some of it was expressed fairly roughly, i stand by it. my argument on facebook was obviously made in a calmer state of mind, which is why it's a little bit more refined, you know?
i'm not trying to make anyone agree with my views - i'm just trying to make people aware that there are views like mine out there.
if my blog did offend you i apologize, ahaha. again all i can say is it was written out of anger and i don't regret writing it because it helped me personally. i hope your campaign helps you in the same way. :)

[Sarah Works]
thanks Sam
as i said i try to fight my brothers battle for him as best I can
this is just me trying :)

[You]
no problem at all - again, i may not completely understand your situation, but i can do my best to try, and i will. and i can never look down on someone who stands up for what, and WHO they believe in
i may be a little brash at times, but if you ever need to talk, let me know. i can sometimes listen better than i can communicate, heheheh.

jesus fucking christ in a goddamn turban

i'm just gonna say this, and maybe i'll get slammed for it,

fuck being politically correct.

there's the usual shit, like not using "gay" in a derogatory manner,
fine, alright, yeah. that makes sense to me,
because gay still means homosexual.

but fuck the "stop using retard" shit.
retard does not mean mentally challenged,
or mentally handicapped or mentally disabled or
"intellectually challenged",
or whatever the fuck you're allowed to call it now.

retard means fucking idiot.

retard means fucking moron,
which in case you didn't know, also used to be a way to refer to the "challenged",
but we're still allowed to use it.

i'm depressed and i have a personality disorder,
so, uh,

don't use crazy around me.

don't misuse the term "depression", because, uh,
unless you've been diagnosed, you don't have it.

NO.

I AM NOT A PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLE.

YOU MAY USE YOUR WORDS AROUND ME BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE.

WORDS.

AND I WILL NOT TAKE THEM AWAY FROM YOU.

so merry fucking christmas, god bless you, happy kwanza, fucking praise allah,
and fuck yourself right off.

oh wow

haven't taken my meds since friday morning.

didn't even realize it though until i almost started crying
watching a boston pizza commercial.

ahahahahahahahahaha.

oh dear lord

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha,
i have spent the last hour on the phone with customers and agents who, by the end of the conversation, either figured out that i was new
or thought i was a complete idiot.

but on the bright side,
everyone in the office thinks i'm really funny
and is inexplicably impressed with how fast i type with two fingers.

it's actually become a spectacle:
people go around the office telling other people about it,
and then they come to see it for themselves.

only the girls smoke here.
weird.

i keep fucking up the difference between domestic and international.
DERP, ah well.

other than that, i still really like it here.

i joined the women's volleyball team for the company too.
we're playing at a charity event next weekend.
i'm excited.

work

gimme some, please.

competence

i really like this job, so far.
i mean, it's only day two, but that still must be a good sign, right?

i want to make sure that they're keeping me here because i fit,
and not just because they work with my dad.

i'm getting pretty good with reception.
the different rings still throw me off a little though,
and i really ought to learn the extensions.

i like it here.

but i need to pee.

short rings

today is my first day at my new job.
i like it a lot.

happy faaace!

an excuse

all my knowledge, torn asunder,
making room for things beyond.
i watch as, froze in fear and wonder,
the world i knew, it withers; gone.

vernors

the fact of the matter is,
if you want to kill yourself, you will kill yourself.
and if you want to get help, you will get help.

i am so tired of hearing people talk about how depressed they are.
bitch, you'd better have been diagnosed with that shit, because if you're just throwing around a medical term like that, you ought to get slapped.
you are not depressed. you are sad, and it is natural.
man the fuck up about it.

even thinking about suicide is natural.
you should wonder what it feels like to die. to think about death is to contemplate the unknown and embrace its inevitability, so as not to fear it like we do so often.
thinking about death can be utterly beautiful.

but what it boils down to is that if you really wanted to die, you would fucking do it. it's like anything else in life.
if you want it bad enough, you will do what you must to get it.
period.

and fuck you,
i'm allowed to say this.
i've been there.

and what it comes down to, really, in the end, for me
is that i wanted people to think that i meant it.
and i didn't.

because let's face it,
i had looked up how many pills it would have taken to kill me.
and when the ambulance worker asked me how many i took,
all i said was, "not enough."
and it was the truth.

this is what it means to keep living.
this is what it means to grow up.

i can admit that now.

i didn't want to die.

twenty-two

i'm peeling, and bored,
and a little bit sad.

and for that last bit:
no, i don't know why.

dinner time,
shower time,
anything but
me time.

slampiece

no thank you.

oh and also,

FUCK YOU COMPUTER
STOP REBOOTING EVERY 3 SECONDS
I'M TRYING TO DOWNLOAD
WORLD OF WARCRAFT

HAAA

this thing ~

"lock me up inside a room,
hold me down -
press me deep inside the earth
and watch me bloom."



every time i think i've moved on enough
to mention his name and not hurt,
i realize a little bit more
how much i fucking hate
his fucking guts.

marian

conversation with my father yesterday:

dad: oh yeah. i have a stray.
me: what, a stray cat?
dad: no. a stray kid.
me: what?
dad: he’s been sleeping on the basement couch for the past three weeks.
me: what, why?
dad: i dunno, guess he got in some trouble at home. real nice kid though.
me: huh.
dad: i bought him an easter egg yesterday. i dunno if he saw it yet.

i love my dad so much.

i actually

want nothing to do with any of you,
anymore.



i want out.
escape rope?

this shit ain't no fuckin' mount moon.

day two

this is what i wore today.

along with grey socks that matched the top
and floral-patterned, open-toed/open-side cork wedge sandals,
that matched the scarf i used as a belt.

i thought it was really cute,
but nobody else did.

mainly because i sat around in my house all day,
bored and alone, except for my mother - who enlisted my help
in her aggressive cleaning rituals.

our house is not dirty.
she's cleaning it of me.

and suddenly i realize,
i fucking hate it here.
why the fuck did i want to come home?

this is the place where
i have no room on account of the fact that my mother is actively purging her house of any trace of my existence,
and my step-father continuously either ignores me or mocks me or both,
and my "friends" only want to see me for the first three days that i'm here and then they forget that i'm alive.

either that or they leave me waiting all day in a cute but useless outfit,
saying "oh, sorry, i'll be free in a bit, k?"

to which i respond:
"okie. :)"

because why bother telling them that i don't want to see them anymore
after the first fucking time they bailed on me?
why would they fucking care?

i have no friends here.
i have nothing here.

this place is not my fucking home.

i just want some mindless desk job to take up all my fucking time already,
so i don't have to feel so unbearably fucking alone all the fucking time,
and so i can just feel nothing nothing nothing.
just numbers and type.

for once,
i would like to be the one who doesn't have time for everyone else,
instead of the other way around.

mining

"may she be beautiful but not damaged, for it's the damage that draws the creepy soccer coach's eye, not the beauty."
- tina fey,
a mother's prayer for it's child.

on the bottomless sea.

humiliation

i feel like i should write it down somewhere
that before i went to his room that night,
i stood at the top of the fire escape staircase
and honestly wondered what it would be like
to free-fall from the top of it.

until i realized what i was doing,
and went to hurt myself in other ways.

wrong direction

it seems like as soon as i post a problem on here,
it at least attempts to correct itself.

so, here we go then.

i am so sick of falling for the same trap,
constantly getting myself involved with guys who are perfectly
clear in what they want.

i am so sick of being angry at boys who
are absolutely not in the wrong when it comes to me.

why is everyone else able to clearly communicate their desires,
while i still struggle to ask for the basics of what i need?

i don't understand.

8:39 and i am angry already

what the fuck, seriously.

has nobody else noticed that i've been up at like
5am every fucking morning for the past two weeks?

and still people are surprised to hear
that i was up and waiting to say goodbye to them,
when i ask where they are and they tell me
they're already gone.

everyone is fucking leaving and i'm still sitting here,
wondering why the fuck i did this and why the fuck i did that,
and wondering why the fuck i bother

and mostly,
why the fuck i care.

haaaaa

i am bruised
in the weirdest way.

peeling the skin, feeling like a rabbit

everyone is a mistake

people are all made up of
threads of knowledge

collected and put in a pile
and moved only every so often,
so that

every time

just a little bit

completely at random

threads would attach and tangle
and knot and wear
and fray

and these mistakes
"a series of unfortunate events",
would create you

make you and break you
(because nevermind "or").

... i'm too high for this.

insomnia

"hey,
you and i
are going to have
a big
love affair
and it won't work
but somewhere in
the middle
my god, we tried."

i want that shirt.

i cannot sleep.

i think i kept people up last night.

we? wheeeee.

knot

there is no silence.
i will keep following the sirens.

ah, fuck it -
we only live once.

toes

"you're making it very difficult for me to behave myself, lmao."

last tequila

i just got cut off
because i didn't put out.

from what?
oh, funny story.

everything i do is
illegal,
immoral,
immature,

and wrong.

new developments:

1. when i'm high,
i can no longer sleep,
apparently.

2. when i'm not eating at a constant rate,
i feel so hungry i could eat a horse.
when i take a bite of something,
i feel so full i could be sick.

3. boys i turned down keep texting me.

4. i keep texting boys i turned down.

oh, 3 and 4.
i think everyone's regretting things a little bit.
hm.

first use of html in this whole blog, lol

sometimes i really, honestly cannot believe
that there was a time in my life when i actively, aggressively
wanted to end my own existence.

wow,
what the fuck,
really.

thanks for listening.

brush

how many times do you
have to/get to
turn people down
before it's over?

i wish there was a guide.

dog

"forbidden candles
glow twice as bright
when you're alone
and out of sight.
a scent that lingers
through the night -
i promise you,
i see your light."

well hey there, folks,
yeah, hi there, hello
what was that there about then, hm?
well gosh, gee, i just dunno there folks.

fuck.
why are some people so terrible to other people?

i wish sex was all there was.
i wish there was no love.

mother gothel

see, the problem with a five-person team
is that one person is always the fifth wheel.

ah, but -
it's always good
to have a spare.

staggering

sometimes i wish that my biggest problem was a broken heart or a broken bone, instead of a broken mind. but then i remember that no matter what the problem actually is, it's still a problem, and it would inevitably remain as big or small or infinite as any other problem.

i don't know how to take care of fish.

i don't even know where to start.
i keep telling myself that i just want it to die because then i can cry and tell myself that i can't even keep the simplest of creatures alive,
but i know that i'm just looking for attention
from myself.

i can barely keep myself alive on the best of days.

surprisingly, i'm not actually feeling that low.
i'm feeling fairly embarrassed, but that's beside the point.

i've lit candles and turned off the lights
and put in headphones and turned on the heat
and listened and listened and listened
to death cab for cutie.

"finally there is clarity,
this tiny life is making sense."

chives

i'm pretty sure
i was a vulture in another life.
(it might explain the nose.)

sometimes when i read your words,
you sound indescribably lonely.

you never outright say it -
and sometimes i have to read really, really hard to see it,
because sometimes i don't know if you know it either.

but if you do,
i'm sorry.

and if you don't,
i'm sorry.

loneliness is a scary thing.

i wish i could reach out
without falling out of my tree.

(i'm so tired of being a tree with no branches.)

ah, as it all becomes clear.

HORSE

just went on a cleaning rampage and essentially attacked my room,
which is probably a good thing, considering the fact that it hadn't been cleaned in,
oh, y'know, like
a month.

jesus.

how often are you supposed to clean fish bowls?
i'm at a loss.

i have a really bad feeling i'm going to kill janet templeton.
my fish, that is.
ah.

"so i'm told you have a scat fetish."

uh?

scat like scatman john?
yes please.

scat like shit?
naaat sew much.

stop texting me.

forget

i just woke my neighbor up listening to choir music.
ahhh.

i feel like shit.

mta hvac 8

ever had this moment?
fuck, it's awesome.

"beat me, treat me as you will,
i do not care, i do not care.
you carry on, and i'll stay still.
i'm well aware, i'm well aware:

you're angrier than yesterday,
surprise, surprise, surprise.
you finished yet? i'm on my way
to opening your eyes.

i win, i win.
you better just give in.
you've lost your cool,
my rule's beginnin',
baby boy, i win."

liepard

course selection time:
is "none of the above" an option?

HA! HA! HA!
WHY AM I SO FUNNY ALL OF THE TIME, U KNO?!

streamers

today i got in a fight and cried
and then sang to some girls whose company i enjoy
and things were better.

hey guyz, what's up?
wuv yew.

here are some more lyrics i wrote,
but these ones don't have a melody:

"pockets full of train receipts,
and things i cannot hold again.
i know it's early, but i'm beat.
i can't wait to grow old again.

i want to go away,
but i won't pay a dime
to go to somewhere beautiful
if i'll have to leave in time.

somewhere far and beautiful
i'll have to leave in time.

brochures full of paradises,
built on steel and stone;
beaches of all different sizes -
full of people, all alone.

i want to go away,
but i won't even try
to go to somewhere beautiful
until the day i die.

somewhere far and beautiful
until the day i die."

newspaper articles

greet me with a smile:
"hey, it's been a while."
i know it's been too many days
of seeing errors in our ways.

i know you're onto bigger things,
like buying someone else's rings,
but do you mind if i conclude
our sticky story's interlude?

i forgive us both.

it always boils down to this:
of every boy i'd ever kiss,
of every could-have, would-have, should -
we might have been something good.

we might have been something good.

delicious

i have a tonsilloth.
oh, hello there, little guy.

google it.
no, don't.

trust me, it's gross.
and also, it hurts.

it's 5am and i'm only six pages in
to a twenty page paper.

it's due at 2:30.

fuuuck.

janet templeton

i've stopped taking my medication again.

i think i'm getting sick.

i got a fish.





they're all different names for the same thing.

3.25%

i was thinking about you today.

sometimes it really feels like there's no such thing as getting better, and that everything will just go on and on being mediocre or worse for the rest of everything ever, you know?

i want to be high all the time.
i'm so tired of being low.

ah well.

for the record,
even though we haven't talked to each other in about a year now,
you'll still be invited to my funeral.

we promised.

visine

it didn't have to be an issue.
hell, it didn't have to be anything.

you fucking know that.

how dare you make me feel guilty for something
that i should not have to feel anything about.

how fucking dare you.

and how fucking dare i fall for your shit
and have sex with you only to be told AFTER THE FACT
that "we can't do this anymore".

DO WHAT ANYMORE?
HAVE COMPLETELY NO-STRINGS-ATTACHED SEX
TO MAKE US BOTH FEEL BETTER ABOUT OUR SHITTY LIVES?
DO WHAT ANYMORE?

i fucking cannot believe i fell for your fucking shit.
i fucking cannot believe i fell for your fucking shit,
again.

accidental

made him cum early tonight,
HAAA, oops.

li'l raunchy, even for me.

seriously though, i like this boy.
the fact that he can't last more than five seconds in my hands?
cute, cute, cute.

talked about his ex afterwards.
talked about his exchange.

talked about how he always puts on pants when i come over,
just so i can take them off.

this one doesn't feel so bad.
i rike it,
i rike it
a rot.

sardinez

i had a dream last night that i was at some gigantic buffet,
and someone told me i should try these huge sardine-looking things.
they were about a foot long and really skinny,
didn't really look that great.

ANYWAY,
i took a bite out of one and got a mouthful of bones
and nasty, uncooked fish.

so i spat it out.

consequently,
i woke myself up this morning
by spitting on my own face.

haaa, what the fuck.

collide

i have five minutes to write this blog,
and for some reason that's making me really anxious,
even though i have nothing to really write about
in the first place.

i have a blister on my foot that i swear to god will be the death of me.
ah, you hurt me sir, you do.

i've got my heater on full and my window wide open
and it's weird because i'm sitting right in the middle
of the cold and the hot.

i got up early and ate a lemon tart
and cheese and crackers for breakfast this morning.

i should eat better.

i have a friend who confessed that she's skipping meals.
oh why oh why oh why oh -

i hate this shit.
it always feels like it's my fault.
and then i feel like an egotist.

all i mean is that:
if i was a little fatter,
if i was a little uglier,
if i was a little stupider,

other people wouldn't:
feel bad about themselves,
feel bad about me,
feel bad feel bad feel bad.

also,
nobody would hound me for sex.
which would also be great,
thanks.

heheheheheheheheheheh -
despite it all, though
i'm taking my meds
and i'm feeling okay.

happy
happy
happy.

heheheheheh

cold popcorn is weird.

my life is a movie.

crank

alright, already the show goes on
alright, 'til the morning, we dream so long.
anybody every wonder when they would see the sun up?
just remember when you come up,
the show goes on
alright.

fuck everyone.

o'malleable

(i really like these lyrics.
mostly because i feel like these are the most "mine"
that any set of lyrics will ever be.
i can't explain it.)

i am yellow, i am green
i am everything you've never seen
i'm pebbles, i am gold
i am stories told and sold

i am piggy banks and prodigies
and endless days of scabby knees
a crooked crocodile
an easy being to beguile

come on, take me
ooh, make me
anything you want.

i am turtles in a shell
i am going straight to hell
i am rain on sunny days
i am falsely given praise

i am ice cream cones and toffee
i am caramel and coffee
i'm reflections on a lake
i am the laugh that isn't fake

come on, take me
ooh, make me
anything you want.

i'm yours, i'm yours, i'm yours, i'm yours, i'm yours
i'm wooden chairs and keys to open doors
i'm yours, i'm yours, i'm yours, i'm yours, i'm yours
i'm sailors on the search for open shores
but mostly i am yours.

pills to help you sleep at night
a wide-awak'ning pillow-fight
i'm a lazy summer's day
i am a feeling in the way

i am not at all if less is more
and everything if more is less
a creaky wooden floor
i am your clear, decisive yes

come on, take me
ooh, make me
anything you want.

come on, take me
ooh, make me
anything you want.

vinegar

i really hope people don't mind that i read their blogs.
i mean, if it's on the internet,
it's probably okay, right?

i just want you to know that whenever you're posting because you're feeling bored or bad, or even when you're perfectly fine and you're posting,
i find you fascinating.

and i hope that's worth something to you,
and i hope it reminds you that you're not alone,
when you need reminding.