sad

i haven't been sad in a very long time.
don't get me wrong - it doesn't mean that i've been happy all along,
because that would be a bold-faced lie.

i cry a lot.

and for me, it used to be
that you cried when you were sad.
"if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands,"
because a child understands nothing
beyond the black and white. wrong or right. good and bad.

you laugh when you're happy and you cry when you're sad,
but i haven't been sad in a very long time.

i have been upset and stressed, angry and depressed,
on medication with little motivation to get better.

i have been tired.

i guess i used to cry when i was tired if you go back a few years,
but now my naps aren't fixing anything,
aren't stopping my tears or quelling my fears
that i will never get better.

people ask me what is wrong and i have nothing to say.

i haven't been sad in a very long time
because once you grow up you're not allowed to be sad.

no one is medicating children for not wanting to get out of bed,
for being quiet and angry and trapped in their head,
for being all the ways of wrong that i have grown up to be -
it isn't sad anymore.

it's just a problem.

it's an anti-depressant, anti-anxiety,
anti-fucking-psychotic issue of not being able to tell people
what is the matter with me.

"i'm sad,"
is not a thing that i have been allowed to say since very young.

"i'm sad,"
is not a thing that is good enough to excuse the fact
that i can't do all the things that normal people seem to be able to do with ease,
i can't tease out my words to explain all the ways in which
i am so sad all of the time,
i cry and i have no idea why.

i want to fall asleep and never wake.
every day feels like i'm just stuck here for the sake of everyone else,
stepping that much closer to breaking
and choking down chalky capsules
to quell the aching.

i haven't been sad in a very long time.
i don't know what to call what i have been.

please don't ask.

mirrors

there was a girl in third grade
with long dark hair,
and though we never did speak,
oh, i always did stare.

and i wanted for someone to see me
the way i saw her.

there was a boy in the summer
with sun-kissed skin
and the girls were left swooning
wherever he'd been.

and i wanted for someone to see me
the way i saw him.

my reflection's never been a real source of pride;
i don't know how to show what i look like inside.
if you see me, please let me know.
please let me know.

there was a girl in my high school
with perfect white teeth,
and i'll bet she was beautiful
deep underneath.

and i wanted for someone to see me
the way i saw her.

there was a boy down the hall
who cried when he laughed,
and i wanted to kiss him
on beauty's behalf.

and i wanted for someone to see me
the way i saw him.

there ain't no mirror that i've ever seen
that has shown me somebody i'd rather have been,
and i know it's not that hard to be me.
i don't know why it's so hard to see me.

oh, my reflection's never been a real source of pride;
i don't know how to show what i look like inside.
if you see me, please let me know.
please let me know.

he

have you seen my ghost?

he's been wandering about,
he's been traveling without me.

have you seen my ghost?

he's been gone where i can't go,
if you see him, let him know i miss him.

won't you send my ghost,
won't you send my ghost,
won't you send my ghost
back home.

have you seen my ghost?

he's been wandering about,
he's been traveling without me.

have you seen my ghost?

he's been gone where i can't go,
and i let him even though i miss him.

i should leave my ghost,
i should leave my ghost,
i should leave my ghost
to roam.

have you seen my ghost?

my whole life is a case of deja fucking vu

you're asking me for dirty pictures,
i don't see the harm -
and i don't see all the feelings that you're
wearing down your arm.

it's a dirty game,
it's such a shame:
we could have been alright
if i hadn't stayed the night.

you're offering your jacket,
i'm pretending i'm not cold.
you are offering me pieces
when i do not want the whole.

it's a filthy curse -
this never works,
i don't know why we tried.
i don't want to make you cry,

but you think you love me,
and i know you don't.
and you think we'll make it,
and i know we won't.

i'm sorry, i'm sorry,
i'm so sorry.