inanimate

"heart of ice,
tongue of fire.
told you i'd play nice,
but i'm a liar.

yeah, i'm a liar.

eyes of steel,
arms of glass.
all i'll ever feel
still has yet to pass.

oh, has yet to pass."

i'll finish this another time.
it's almost 5am. fuck me.

cigarettes

"this is the last one,"
she says as she's breathing it in.
"i'm quitting tomorrow," she said yesterday,
but today she is starting again.

and all i can see is a boy made of bones
wetting skin thin as paper, his eyes hard as stones
and he's locked in the bathroom, gagging and shaking,
and she's smoking cigarettes and my heart is breaking.

"it's hard when you crave it,"
she says as she sets one alight.
"i'm quitting tomorrow," she says every day,
and there's no point in starting that fight.

but all i can see is a boy fearing death
trying hard not to sob 'cause he needs every breath
and he's under the covers, empty and aching,
and she's smoking cigarettes and my heart is breaking.

"it's not such a problem,"
she says as she exhales the smoke
"i'm quitting tomorrow," i don't hear her say,
like she's given up telling that joke.

all i can see is a boy of eighteen
with a face made of angles and sickness and green
and he's shut in the basement, quiet and quaking,
and she's smoking cigarettes,

she's smoking fucking cigarettes,

and i'm to believe
if he can get through the chills
if he can suffer the night
without taking those pills

if he can fight to be clean
without giving up yet
that she can't say no
to a damn cigarette?

"this is the last one,"
she says as she's breathing it in.
"i'm quitting tomorrow," she said yesterday,
but today she is starting again.

and all i can see is a boy i once knew
who i loved all my life, as i watched and he grew
and now he cries over lines that he can't stop from taking,
and she's smoking cigarettes and my heart is breaking.

---

i guess i couldn't put quotations around these like i usually do,
since i used them in the lyrics.

derp.

kjhsgkjv

"darling, i loved you,
you were the one.
but i am the moon,
and you are the sun.

i'll sing you to sleep,
cover you in night,
and when you wake up alone,
you'll be alright.

darling, i loved you,
you were my world.
but in your constellation,
i am just a girl.

i'll guard you from terror,
keep you in my sight,
'til dawn comes to break me,
but you'll be alright.

darling, i loved you,
you were my own.
but you are a star,
and i am a stone.

i'll kiss you to dreaming,
but in the morning light,
i'll be gone from your side,
and you'll be alright."

did you know mountain dew actually contains a significant amount of caffeine?

lately i've really just been feeling like i don't want to be here anymore, but i don't know if i'd say that that stems from suicidal thinking or not.
is it bad that i can't tell anymore?

i just feel like i don't want to be around this place and these people,
except that that sounds a lot more negative than what i mean, i think.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that
lately i have been feeling a lot more comfortable in my own head and as such i just kind of want to go somewhere to be myself by myself.
does that make sense?

i've really come to love a lot of people here,
but when i get to thinking instead of feeling i sometimes talk myself into thinking that it's just not enough.

i was counting it today,
and i realized that i have directly and purposefully cut a grand total of seven people out of my life. that's not counting people who were accidentally lost in the process.
isn't that strange?

i feel like i somehow convince myself that they're dead,
and even when i see them in person they're still just a ghost to me;
just some empty husk of something i used to care about.
just some faint reminder of the current nothing.

"love is just a shout in the void."

i just want to go away, and i don't know where,
and i don't think i care.
goddamn, ahaha.

i don't know.

i feel like i'm still just talking about death again.
maybe i'm just less sensitive to it now.

fuck it.

ripped lips

"no, it's never getting better,
never bother, never mind.
i've been staring at the bright side,
and i think i've gone blind."

"oh, i'd like to take this chance
to lay my heart out like a feast.
no, i know it ain't enough,
but that's the nature of the beast.

all my loving tends to hurt,
tends to shake my very bones,
but it's better when it's bitter,
'cause it's all i've ever known.

oh, i'd like to write them down,
like to make myself a list
of all the pieces of your being
i've not had the chance to kiss.

all my loving tends to end,
tends to leave me quite alone,
but it's better when it's broken,
'cause it's all i've ever known."

the song of truth

"girls come and tell me how their life must suck
'cause they fell for a boy who didn't give a fuck,
and the boys come and tell me how they just don't get
why the girls can't just forgive and forget.

tv's a-tellin' me that life's not fair,
and the people on the web say i shouldn't care,
'cause the newspaper had something different to say,
which was tweeted by the next big thing yesterday.

none of this fucking matters.
none of this fucking matters.

school's a necessity and that's just fucked,
'cause in case you haven't noticed, we just made it up.
it's a social construction that consumes you whole
and fools you into thinking the degree is your goal.

people in africa and people in town,
who have nobody to turn to when their life gets down;
i have one bad day and the school must know,
'cause if i left what would happen to the money i owe?

none of this fucking matters.
none of this fucking matters.

girls come and tell me 'bout their ex-best friend
just killing their day with the texts they send,
and the boys come and tell me how they love this chick,
'til they're drunk and they ask me to suck their dick.

none of this fucking matters.
none of this fucking matters.

i just wanna live, wanna live, let be,
wanna sleep, wanna eat, wanna just do me,
but the world's too big and i'm just too small
and none of this shit fuckin' matters at all."

birthday poem for becca

"Hey red-headed hottie, hey big-boobied beaut,
Hey one-time-she-plays-and-she-scores-when-she-shoots,
Hey treadmill fanatic, hey math-minded nerd,
Today's something special, so I'm told, so I've heard.

Two years ago here, just three floors down,
Though to me that still seems like a short turn-around,
We first became friends as Windsor Hall frosh;
A bond realized by our love of getting sloshed.

We've been robbers and cowboys and sometimes just sluts,
But we did it together, so I don't mind so much.
United together to hate every boy,
Knowing deep in our hearts that cats will bring us joy.

Hey frightening fake lisp, hey flaming red hair -
I'll forgive your genetics to show you I care.
Hey girl, take a shot, 'cause you're 20 years old!
And so, for your birthday, I give you: a soul."

indexed

i understand that when people try to encourage me to go to the gym it's because it's generally considered just a healthy habit to get into, but i can't help but be bothered by it. i have never in my life been as out of shape as i am currently but i feel like nobody here knows that the way i do, or the way anyone who knew me before i came here does. i have always been athletic and physically capable and the fact that some people seem to be suggesting that i'm not really, really bothers me. especially because i'm thinner than all of my friends here and if anything i need to put on weight rather than lose it and every time i fucking go to the gym all i do is lose weight. plus fuck you, everyone's idea of going to the gym is pretty much just going and running on the treadmill for an hour, which is not healthy. when i go to the gym i do all the weight machines and have to be super careful that i don't work up a sweat because i will legitimately SWEAT AWAY LIKE TEN POUNDS unintentionally. i hate that people keep suggesting to me that i start going to the gym because if my fucking bmi drops any lower i am actually going to have to see a doctor about it again, and i am sick of the judgement and unhealthy body image that goes with that.

in short: everyone needs to mind their own business.
i know my body better than you do and i know what's best for it.
keep your good intentions to yourself.