some irish sounding ditty fuck if i know

there's something uncertain in building a home;
like colouring in-between the lines -
filling in for the places you might rather roam
while you're caught up in other designs.

well you're filling in rooms that are otherwise bare,
rearranging the pieces that mark that you're there.
it's siring a solitude you'd sooner stay,
when you're tired of wandering up and away,

home sweet home:
come get rested and ready to face a new day.

there's something in keeping that first little toy,
in starting in filling up the shelf;
in saving a trinket that some might destroy.
what it says, it says for yourself, oh -

you're building in pieces, in corners and nooks,
you're filling in spaces with tokens and books.
you're writing in histories, caught in the view;
a place in the world that's reflected in you -

home sweet home:
come get warm where the welcome is never more true.

an actual blog post about my actual day

today i didn't go to either of my classes.
that's nothing new, but god fucking damn it. i've officially sent out emails asking to meet with all my profs to discuss what i'm dealing with, like not even for sympathy or accommodation but just because being around people who know what's going on motivates me to get over it? if that makes sense.
like when people know me and know what i'm struggling with, the last thing i want to do is have them watch it defeat me, i guess. it just makes me want to show them that even though i'm going through whatever, i can still turn out okay.
meh.

tim pulled some stupid shit the other night and i just like don't even care enough to talk about it anymore but i just didn't need it, ahaha. i know it sounds selfish but like fuck, i just wanted to lie in bed and like just not get up ever, ahaha.
and i've been sick and just like shitty and i've lost 7 pounds, so i'm down to 117 now. which like isn't bad but if you know my body type then you know that i usually look about like 15 - 20lbs lighter than my actual weight, so i'm sitting at like 97 theoretically and i just ugh.
i just want like a woman's body, ahaha. god damn it.

i actually only got out of bed after a text from lauren where she said she had to talk to me, and i was sort of concerned because i thought maybe she was mad at me for something? like i legitimately have no idea what the hell it would have been for, but i've just been in a shitty mindset i guess so that's the conclusion i jumped to.
but then she texted me saying that she just like couldn't stop crying and she couldn't breathe, so i ran over and we talked and i helped her breathe through what i think was a panic attack. like lauren is such a strong personality and such an independent person that i think people forget that she IS a person? and she definitely forgets it herself... she places so much pressure on herself and gives herself so little credit and just allows other people to shape her sense of self and her feelings of self worth, and it's hard to watch.
it's difficult too because it's definitely not an anomaly among our friends, i think we all have those issues and deal with them in different ways and i guess today was just the breaking point for her. christ.
obviously it was super shitty for her to be going through that but i was really flattered that she felt like i was the one she should talk to, like even if for no other reason than because i'd been through similar shit, i dunno. it was just nice, like selfishly? ahahaha. i know she has a hard time asking for help too, so i dunno, there's that.
i suggested that she talk to student services or someone, because it sounds like she's experiencing anxiety at least, with like minor depression that i think are stemming from lack of sleep because of the anxiety. it's all so intertwined, like god damn it ahaha. the human body is just a trap. the end.

i went to the bank and opened up a new student account and applied for another student visa, just to try to start building some extra credit, i dunno. but at least i got that done. meant to pick up tampons on the way home because i randomly have my period again because i keep messing up my medication, but i forgot, so whatever.

i wanted to go to the gym, but i've been sick and i just like felt shitty, so i opted out. did a 45 minute strength/cardio workout off youtube instead, and i'm actually really glad i didn't go to the gym now because i know i would have pushed myself to do my old workout if i had and i definitely would ahve hurt myself. this workout was bad enough. i'm glad i did it though. thought i was going to die during and almost passed out after, but i'm feeling okay now.

gonna go make steak and veggies for dinner, then shower and study hopefully, ahah.

eh, today started out shitty and then sort of got better and anyway i got some shit done so i think that's the gist of it.

i'd like to meet some new people.
we'll see.

ewrdtyuhijo

i'm actually just so tired of everyone's bullshit, like
i absolutely just have 0 patience left for it at all and it's not like i'm saying i'm perfect or anything BY A LONG SHOT but it's like man, why is it not considered socially acceptable to just call people on their shit?
like why can't everyone just go around calling everyone else out when they're being fucking cunts and then everyone can just be like "oh, damn, sorry" and fucking like be a better person, like why does it have to turn into a fucking episode of the young and the restless any time you tell someone off for being a piece of shit, like goddamn

and like not only that but it is just straight up the worst feeling in the world when you've been doing something and just like nobody has said anything about it and then like fuckin' WEEKS LATER you find out that it was actually shitty and just like i hate that, i get so embarrassed because i always just feel like fuck man, how did i not realize that that wasn't okay, like i wish someone had just called me out on it right away so i could fucking stop doing it, fuck ahaha
like not even anything in particular right now, just like i know that i'm sometimes oblivious to this shit and i feel like everyone is so afraid to say this shit to everyone else and it's like WHY

LIKE WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST HELP EACH OTHER BE BETTER PEOPLE, FUCK

like i honestly 100% do not call people on their shit just to be like a bitch, it's just like
hey. fuckinnn' stop that, like you're being a douche, or like fuck just admit that what you did was shitty and then we can all move on and learn and grow or whatever and just like be slightly less shitty in the future?

i just like.
i don't understand the thing
why is the thing so hard
how do u thing.

sk's 21

beautiful girl, on the inside, the outside -
and everything between.
i don't know if i know
how to tell you what you mean.

when you're happy, i'm happy.
when you're sad i'm happy anyway,
'cause you're still here.

happy birthday, dear beautiful girl -
here's to another year.

beautiful girl, i'm so glad that i met you,
that i could be your friend.
even when i'm not a good one,
you stick with me in the end.

your strength gives me strength,
and at the worst of times i know
we'll persevere.

happy birthday, dear beautiful girl -
here's to another year.

here's to another year, beautiful girl,
here's to another year.

homo

he was beautiful -
even for a boy -
and he laughed
when i told him so.

it was beautiful -
free and full of joy,
with a sound to swallow
sorrow with its glow.

when asked if he believed in god,
said, "he made eve 'n i am odd."

guess we'll never know.

she was beautiful -
even as a child -
and she laughed
when i told her so.

it was beautiful -
jubilant and wild,
with a sound to swallow
sorrow with its glow.

when asked if she believed in god,
said "she made eve 'n i am odd."

guess we'll never know.

christ

everybody's bummed and i'm an ass;
i don't mean to be crass but
i guess at least everyone's lost their shit together -
pun intended.
everyone i've befriended
is depressed,
making best-dressed,
most-popular, locally-famous lists
and not giving a fuck.
what happened to happy?
i don't know where it went
and i'm the worst they could have sent
to find it again.
my throat hurts and my back aches
and school's just started and i'm searching for breaks
so soon;
loading my pills on a spoon
and swallowing down all the sanity i can get.
(haven't grown much yet.)
sowing my seeds when my head's not pounding
but it only feeds the feeling of drowning
in all the big fat fucking nothing.
what happened to happy?
swallow your pills.

all my fucking songs turn into the most literal pieces of garbage ever like fuck why can't anything i write leave anything to the imagination i am going to rip out every single hair on my body

mama used to say to me, "go make friends,"
and i talked away from strangers.
guess it really just depends
on heeded dangers.

and i'm cryin' in my room 'cause i don't speak right,
have i lost my apprehension?
auto-pilot, fight or flight
without contention -

i have only one hello,
and i'd hate to see it broken -
i ran out so long ago,
too often spoken.

i have so many "goodbyes",
"see you soon"s that turned to lies,
but i have only one hello
left to go.

asinine pedantic lovesong bullshit

didn't i say that this would hurt?
didn't i say that this would cut you deep?
didn't i say that you'd regret it? forget it -
what i didn't say were words i'd like to keep.

i won't pour my heart out for you;
it's something i won't do,
and i told you from the start.

won't lay it all out on the table,
i would try but i'm not able.
there's a reason you can't reach in to my heart.

didn't i say i'd let you down?
didn't i say that this would end in tears?
didn't i say it wasn't worth the fight to make it right
when i can't say where i got lost within my fears.

i won't pour my heart out for you;
it's something i won't do,
and i told you from the start.

won't wear my feelings on my sleeve,
when it's not something i believe -
there's a reason you can't reach into my heart.

shy boy

one of these days you just might snap,
gonna let it all out where it can't come back.
i know you want to go.

but it's harder than hoppin' fences,
lettin' down your stone defences,
and i know you know i know.

but you still can't look her in the eye,
thinkin' "you're too old to be so shy" -
and "i love you."

one of these days she just might see
the words you never speak to be,
but oh, the days are slow.

and it's harder than pursin' lips,
reading carefully for slips,
but i know you know i know.

and you still can't look her in the eye,
thinkin' "you're too old to be so shy" -
and "i love you."

you still can't look her in the eye,
thinkin' "you're too old to be so shy" -
thinkin' "i love you."

soci 2211: gender relations slam poetry

topic: "anatomy as destiny"
 

If anatomy is destiny,

What about the rest of me?

What about a PhD,

Awards from the Academy?

Trophies or medals,

Things that I've earned,

How about the social roles

That I have had to learn?

Did my vagina decide that I should grow my hair long?

That if I didn't wear makeup, I was doing something wrong?

That my jeans should be tight,

And my skin should be clear?

That if I chose a fist-fight,

You'd have nothing to fear?

Did my vagina decide that I should be a nurse

Instead of a doctor,

That I should carry a purse?

Will my vagina decide what I do with my degree?

Does my vagina define who I'm allowed to be?

If anatomy is destiny,

What about the rest of me?

You can look between my legs,

But I got plenty more for you to see.

slam poetry??????? maybe idk fuck it

when the fuck did i choose to be skinny?
social menus play it up like it's some big prize,
but i never said to the waiter "no ass, tits, or thighs,"
i thought i was supposed to be a woman -
there's an order i'd say yes to,
but i'm not included in the populace who's
allowed to call themselves so;
oh no.
i'm an evil tool used by social media
to tell girls who are bigger than me to throw up after that big mac,
put that slice of cake back you fat sack of shit,
don't you wanna be skinny?
don't you want people to pester you, askin'
"how'd you get so thin?"
"do you toss out more than you put back in?"
"you're so lucky," they say,
and i still remember the day
i walked into a clinic FOR THE FLU
which happened to deal with anorexia too.
all eyes on me.
being "too skinny" isn't considered a real problem
unless it's an eating disorder.
and trust me - i got no problems with eating.
but no one else gives a shit.
being a size zero is a jackpot in magazines,
'til you go out and try to buy a pair of jeans
and the "real" women tell you it ain't a "real" size.
how come in order to accept our bodies we have to critique the bodies of others?
like how you're allowed to comment when the number's small
and when the scale reads large you can't comment at all?
when the fuck did i ask to be skinny?
'cause honestly, waiter,
this better be on the house.

glass

i have become my own best friend.

someone help me.

warm winter sun,
shake the frost from my bones.
peel the ice from my lungs,
my heart.

warm winter sun,
i been sleeping like a stone,
and i need for this year
to start.