(because apparently

that whole holiday post
was me speaking too soon.)

spiderfruits to ribhippie

had to change my url today
because i'm finally cutting my slimy, entitled
bitch of a mother out of my life.

i am so tired of her conditional love.

got time

don't worry if you're not
what you would be, you thought,
back when you were young,
and didn't know a whole lot.

i'm no famed movie star,
but you are what you are,
and you're still in one piece
after coming this far.

ooh, baby girl,
you've got time -
all there is in the world.
you'll be fine.
you'll be fine.
you'll be fine.

don't sweat it if you ain't
quite a devil, quite a saint.
baby every new day
is a coat of fresh paint.

i'm no skilled engineer,
but i'm still right here.
and if i've still got my breath,
i will use it to cheer.

ooh, baby girl,
you've got time -
all there is in the world.
you'll be fine.
you'll be fine.
you'll be fine.

i'm no artist, i'm no author,
i have nothing here to offer.
no paper degree,
i'm no phd.

i'm no world record holder,
i'm just a day older.
i'm nothing to see
except me.

don't worry if you're not
what you would be, you thought,
back when you were young,
and didn't know a whole lot.

i'm no famed movie star,
but you are what you are,
and you're still in one piece
after coming this far.

ooh, baby girl,
you've got time -
all there is in the world.
you'll be fine.
you'll be fine.
you'll be fine."

whelp,
finally barfed up a full song.
ahem.

fuck.

wow, for real

i just read through a bunch of retweets or whatever on twitter;
this guy (@fart i think, ahaha idek) reblogged a bunch of snotty christmas tweets, basically just a bunch of people bitching about not getting cars or iphones or ipads or fucking whatever,
or getting them in THE WRONG COLOUR.
LIKE. WHAT.

and it's just this compilation of people outright BITCHING,
swearing at their parents and just throwing absolute tantrums on christmas day.
and some of them are even like,
"i feel bad for not getting my mom a christmas present but my iphone won't activate!"
like. i honestly cannot even. i just can't.

the part that makes me the most angry isn't even that some of them are young kids, like young enough that when i was their age i would never have DARED ask for a car or an iphone or whatever (i still wouldn't, wtf),
no, the worst part is that some of them are people AS OLD OR OLDER than i am.
throwing tantrums over their gifts.
on christmas fucking day.

my biggest disappointments with most recently passed christmases were
that my mom and stepdad were sick and didn't decorate because of it.
that my uncle was sick and couldn't make it for dinner because of it.
that i had no trouble at all falling asleep on christmas eve anymore.
that friends bought me gifts and i felt like a fucking poor person not being able to get them anything in return.
that i couldn't afford to buy my family the gifts i know they'd REALLY love.

and maybe i'm a little sour because of the last one,
because i know how it feels to have to settle on an alternative when you KNOW what it is that the person you're buying for would really like and you KNOW you just can't do it.

wow.
just wow.

this year the favourite gifts i received were wool socks from both parents because i never outright asked for them but it showed me that they listen,
homemade caramel corn and chocolate from a friend who lives in england,
a set of nail-clippers and other nail-care tools because it's one of those little things i always forget to buy even though i desperately need it,
and clothing that my mother and i went to buy together.

the reason the last one even made the list -
although i love all the clothing i got, of course, and i'm excited to wear them -
is because my mother and i spent four whole days together, all day,
eating lunch together and shopping and talking
and not fighting. not once.

i also found out that i'm set to inherit my grandmother's old tea china collection,
which all my friends are sick of hearing about i'm sure,
but i'm so fucking excited.

this christmas was amazing.

as lonely as i was back home
(because it's incredible how quickly things and people change when you're away)
i also realized how close i really am and how much i really appreciate
my friends from school.

i've video chatted with rory and liz,
had dinner and gone shopping with cass,
kept in contact with sam on facebook,
and ultimately i have just felt fucking connected to people for the first time in a long time, and this feeling is just strengthened by the fact that these people are from so far away and yet i know that they are close.

fuck.

i don't even know where this blog is going now, ahahahaha.
i'm so filled with anger from what i see in strangers, but for once i have somewhere else to look.
i have friends. real friends.
and i fucking love them.

so fuck your car,
fuck your iphone and your ipad,
and your 8gb, 4s, $700 internet bitching.

merry christmas,
really and truly.
happy holidays.

oh for fuck's sake,

this blog gets me in so much trouble
all the damn time.

don't read this if you don't want to know about a really weird personal kink/fetish/whathaveyou

seriously, i need to confess:
i fucking love gay porn.

not lesbians, i should specify - that grosses me out.
i can barely stand to look at my own vagina, nevermind anyone else's.

but i seeeriously like gay porn. a lot.
i don't even like straight porn, like at all.
mostly because of the vagina dealio again.
but gay porn.
man.

like,
i will watch videos, look at pictures,
read crazy cracked-out gay fan-written slash bullshit,
fuckinnn' yep, i love it.
it's an issue.

i was trying to reason it out,
because it's something that i've (understandably, i think) tried to keep hidden for a really long time. it's fucking weird. yeah, i know.

but i think what it really is,
like really,
is the dominance involved?
if that makes sense.

like,
in a straight scenario, a guy dominates a girl
(or i guess the other way around sometimes, but "ew" in my opinion)
and that's just the way it is.

but for a man to let another man dominate him,
it's a new level of dominance i guess, because it isn't a given.
women are sexually subordinate naturally i guess,
and to see a man take on that role is somewhat erotic,
in my mind anyway.

and i guess that it means for me is the same thing i've known all along,
which is that GOD DAMN IT CAN I PLEASE FIND A MAN WHO JUST FUCKING OWNS ME IN BED INSTEAD OF THE TIMID LITTLE MOUSE MEN I CONSTANTLY TAKE TO BED?
jesus.

anyway,
sorry about that, internet. really.
i just needed to get it out to try to make sense of myself.

obviously it's not something i'll broadcast in public or anything,
but it feels a little bit nice to not be completely and totally ashamed for a preference i have.
meh.

yyyeeeaaahhh,

suicide is honestly a more desirable course of action to me than dropping out.

consequently,
if i can't get my gpa up to at least AROUND a 3.0 by the end of this semester,
i am gone.

every song i fucking write is about the ocean

cool life.

"it's the moment you realize
there's a hole in your boat
and you're starting to capsize,
too heavy to float.

too far from the shore,
too late to turn 'round,
and you know from before
that you've already drowned.

who can you blame
when you're lost at sea?
whose cursed name
will you call?

it's all the same,
honey take it from me;
you mightn't not
bother at all."

there's a floating chariot on tv

"you sleep with a paper blanket,
and i lay beneath sheets made of stone.
and you're light with the breath of fresh canvas,
while i'm weighed down with feeling alone."

...

"if you plan to hurt me, please do.
get it out if you must
so we can move along
and i can give you my trust.

i don't mind bearing scars,
i can learn to adjust.
and i will shed my skin
when we turn to dust."

like snow

"lost in the whiteout,
too cold to curse.
too weak to fight out,
i fear for the worst.

and he's beaten, and he's bare,
and he's hardly even there,
and he shivers with the cold,
wanting winter uncontrolled.

i guess i saw it coming,
i've known it all along.
his bones are broken,
my bones are gone.

his bones are broken,
my bones are gone."

another attempt

if it ain't one, then it's the other:
please don't let it be my baby brother.

holes in boats

"i'm heavy as an anchor,
i'm drifting like a reed.
i'm sifting through the ocean
of the feelings i don't need.

i'm fine, i'm fine,
i can swim on my own.
i'll cast you to the tide,
i'll sink you like a stone.

i am better lost at sea.
i'm a siren, i'm a storm,
you're better where it's warm,
so turn your sails from me.
so turn your sails from me."

listening to sad music

lurking through boyfriend's cell phone, looking for ways to troll him...

notice entry in his memopad titled "peony",
remember the one time fuckin' like three weeks ago that i mentioned in passing that it was my favourite flower.

ladies and gentlemen,
i am dating a cheeseball.

~*~cOoL~*~

yesterday:
i tell boyfriend i don't like hanging out with him when he's high,
because he gets really spacey and i have to repeat myself every four seconds.
i tell him it's not that he can't go get high like ever,
but if he does, he can spend time with his bros.
no biggie, right?
cool.

last night:
boyfriend asks me if i think it's a good idea
for him to see if adderall helps him study better today.
i tell him no, probably not... don't fuck with prescription drugs.
he laughs and agrees.
cool.

today:
boyfriend does adderall in the afternoon.
cool.

tonight:
boyfriend gets high and tries to deny it when he comes to see me.
cool.



likeee,
what. just... what.
cool.