slowly

i am finding myself more and more willing to defend myself
i am finding myself more and more worth defending

for making you want to vomit

when my hands are cold from j-walking at 3am in the morning
(when sometimes it really feels like it's the last straw)

and there's this image that won't get out of my head
and it's the glass table in my kitchen
and it's me, and it's

i want my prozacs in a line and i want to take 14 of them
and leave the rest there
and die with my face pressed against the glass
as if i never actually got to the rest

and maybe it's because not only am i not good enough to be what i want to be
but i'm also not good enough to be what i thought i would be stuck being

"us against the world"

and maybe it's stupid because all i wanted was a fucking sweater
but maybe it's stupid because i can't do the things that every other normal fucking human being can do
all i know is that it's stupid

and i'm sorry
i am so sorry

that a pinky swear is not good enough for you
because that's all i have to offer

and frankly, i am tired of contracts
because none of them are ever binding

i have tried

i would make the shittiest night light ever

because all i want to do is go out

i don't want to shine for you

i don't even want to try

because i would be the kind of night light

that flickers as you walk past

right when you need me the most

and you would see the ugly shadows i create

when i let my imperfections get the best of me

and my light would be that dimmer sort of yellow

that makes everything look eerie

and in the night i'm sure you'd rather have someone bright

to keep you safe on 3am trips to the bathroom

maybe with me you'll fall and break your neck

i'm kind of careless like that

and sometimes even though i convince myself that i am trying

i know deep down that i am not

i have no excuse, i don't even run on batteries really

i am constantly plugged in

and still i cannot do it

so in the end you're really better off buying a new night light

because it would be safer for you

and it would cost you less

and who the fuck feels sorry for the night light

except the night light itself

who is mostly just sorry for you.

the heat in the back of my eyes

it's a warning that i will yet again ignore
you think you get stronger, you think you get smarter,
but you don't.

you just get better at telling yourself
the same old lie.

and what i really want to know is,
am i the only one who is alone?

because if i'm not,
like everyone keeps trying to tell me,
then why are we not all alone together?
i just want to be alone together.

i didn't think i was asking for the world.
i used to believe in my intentions.
i didn't think i was asking for much at all,
but apparently

it is too much for me.

and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make,
but how do you start?

i have nothing.

and it's a familiar place to be,
so maybe that's alright.

but sometimes,
just sometimes,
i really, really, really, really,

really

really

really

know it's not.



"if only we were..."
"i know. but we are what we are."

what we are.

oh, now i get it

it's about 3am texts from boys you want to touch,
telling you to look at the moon.

("brothers on a hotel bed"
- death cab for cutie

see what i see:
someone dies and in the end she's sitting alone on her bed, looking as though she's about to cry
cue that slow, sad piano

and when the beat comes in, she laughs
bittersweet and contrary to what she feels like doing

but in the end, still right.
<3)