it is nothing

i've never been in love;
don't know if i might ever be.
i don't know what to picture when i think about the future,
but the only person there is me.

and i'm angry just imagining the lack of you,
i'm ignoring that it's all i ever had of you.
call it selfish, call it stupid, call it anything you want,
just don't call it what it is.

and i'm sorry that i only ever thought about myself,
and i'm sorry that i'm thinking of me still.
i'm bad at just believing; can't think you into being,
but if i ever learn, i will.

i know it's not fair - we haven't even met.
but why wasn't i worth you loving me yet?

i've never been one of the good ones;
i just never tried to learn how.
and hindsight's 20/20, hoping scars will turn out pretty,
but it's too late to try to learn now.

and i'm angry just imagining the lack of you,
i'm ignoring that it's all i ever had of you.
call it lonely, call it desperate, call it anything you want,
just don't call it what it is.

i keep blacking out alone inside the shower.
i keep staring at the bottle in the dark.
i keep wishing i could spend every breath of every day,
every hour trying to be where you are.

i know it's not fair - we haven't even met.
but why wasn't i worth you loving me yet?

breathe, hurt, shake.
i just want a name for this ache.
call it silly, call it sad, call it anything you want,
just don't call it what it is.

i've never been in love.

razor sharp wit,
the unbitten tongue -
no one cares you can fit
the truth in your lungs,

and the fools carry on,
as fools often do -
but none of their noise is as pretty as you.

wake up feelin' like i do,
like someone asked, what's wrong with you?
i wake up feelin' just the same,
still cringing as i shake the shame.

i feel nothing.
i feel nothing.
i feel nothing.

wake up feelin' like i do,
still wake up, like i promised to.
i wake up feelin' out of breath
like someone might have mentioned death.

i feel nothing.
i feel nothing.
i feel nothing.

wake up feelin' like i do,
my disappointment overdue.
i wake up feelin' sad and slow -
i wish you'd all just let me go.

i feel nothing.
i feel nothing.
i feel nothing.

time goes by so slowly,
i can't wait to go to sleep.
i know i said i wouldn't do it -
i would never put you through it -
but it's a promise i just can't keep.

i am tired,
been holding my breath too long.
i love you so please let me go
to the place i've been wanting all along.