better

"how are you doing," he asks me.
"better," i say, which is sort of a lie
because i am never getting
that.

what i should have done
was laugh hysterically
because

it's all a joke, right,
it has to be a joke,
just a joke, right,
ha.

"how are you doing," he asks me.

i am not doing anything.
i am not, i'm not

better can be measured in increments
but something is always so far off about it,
like the time:

"how are you doing," she asked me.

"get better soon," she said.

and who am i to tell her
that this is not just a matter
of restoring things to right -

i have never been
that.

i'm just a fool.
i'm a fool for trying
when only the good die young,
and i have never been enough of
that.

"how are you doing,"

i have never been
better.

"please, god, please."

the prayer:

if i lose you,
if he loses you,
if we all lose you,

just do not lose yourself.

needed

what i needed was out,
and what you needed was me, in.
there is no winning.

now, what you need is out and i
am too far ahead to reach back for you.

i am here for you, but i know
it's not the same as being there,
for you.

i'm sorry.

life is kind of funny, in a sad, dark way:
i never knew i was worth being needed by anybody
until i was too far away to remind you
of your own worth, too.

please be okay.