nitro glycerin

getting rid of a bad friend is like removing a wart.

sometimes it is easier to ignore said wart and pretend everything's alright.
but every once in a while, it sends a sharp pain shooting into you,
that, over time, makes you resent that wart,
and also resent yourself.

and yes, it sucks to get removed.
it fucking hurts.

for a while you feel as though you can't do anything,
because you might hurt the area that is now missing the wart.

but eventually you get used to it
and you are able to move on.
slowly, at first,

but eventually,
eventually,

you are better off without it.
and it is worth it in the end.

power

i don't understand
what someone does
to deserve to be hated

and i don't understand
what someone does
to deserve to hate

but i think i know how it feels.
and it hurts.

strict

7:25am
get up and go for a jog with the beagle

8:00am
get back home and shower/get dressed

9:00am
breakfast and schoolwork

1:30pm
visit with my boy

and from there,
from there -
i'm free.

i need to stop being so hard on myself...
PFFFFFFFFAHAHAHA.
<3

breathe,
and nightie night.

new frontiers

i am so fucking scared that tomorrow things will turn out to be exactly as i picture them now,
and yet i am so fucking scared that tomorrow things will turn out completely differently.

i told my teachers i would be in class tomorrow.
it wasn't a lie, no, not at the time,
but it has become one.

it's official: i'm a nutter. a genuine basket case.
i'm fucking loopy.

but to those who know me like they should, i'm
"home sick".

sorry, folks.

i am so scared that they will give me a bedtime. i am so scared that there will be a literal "lights out" time and everything will be dark and i will be alone with myself with nothing to do but wish that i wasn't so anxious so i could sleep - which of course will only make me more anxious.
fuck.
i'm supposed to be up in 4 hours.
how can i get up if i am never down?

oh, but i am always down.

i know i have to go into it with an open mind.

open eyes,
open mind,
open heart.

i know, i know.
just breathe, i know.

i need to pack. i haven't yet. i did laundry but i haven't even started putting together the books i want to bring. i want to read a lot of books. i like reading, but i never have time for it.
how sick is that? or maybe it isn't. i don't know.

most of all, i am so fucking scared
that tomorrow they will give me a spork.

who the fuck wants to eat with a spork?
a nutter, that's who.
fuck.

strings please

i just want to listen to violins
forever

cranberries

today i decided
i give up

i just want to watch without having to participate
which is hard to believe since i am never on the sidelines
but there you have it

i am tired
and i feel like i weigh 2000 lbs and yet
someone could still snap me like a twig

maybe if i could just end it in a way that i could still watch over things,
you know?

i wish i believed in heaven,
because yes, i'm pretty sure that is what i'm describing.

away from home

"That sinking feeling, so strawberry sweet
Summers gone by, and left me with cold feet
Sandals in autumn pinken my toes
Chill me so warmly, like nobody knows

Holding your hand, our fingers like spiders
Hiding my smile so you’ll guess what’s inside her
Keeping real quiet so nobody hears
Thoughts of the daybreak, those young lover fears

When it hurts, baby run away
Off to the city streets to play
And if it’s hard, baby you’re okay
It won’t be forever, no just for today

Carving out cardboard homes for the weak
Roses and lilacs held up to my cheek
One man’s trash, another’s is gold
Baby, you gotta last for your story to be told

When it hurts, baby run away
Off to the city streets to play
And if it’s hard, baby you’re okay
It won’t be forever, no just for today

Smile for me, my ticket is yours
Train’s heading out with half-opened doors
When it hurts, you’re lost and found
Home is always all around

When it hurts, baby run away
Off to the city streets to play
And if it’s hard, baby you’re okay
It won’t be forever, no just for today

When it hurts, baby run away
Off to the city streets to play
And if it’s hard, baby you’re okay
It won’t be forever, no just for today

That sinking feeling, so strawberry sweet
Summers gone by, and left me with cold feet
Sock-feet in winter, isn’t it strange
I get some coins but I never get change"



-
sometimes i like to write a song
and pretend other people will hear it

and oh the songs they'd hear.