watch your step

this one is heavy.

sorry i haven't written much lately. i feel like there has been nothing worth writing until now.
even now, it's debatable.

i'm now completely reliant on my laptop, seeing as how my computer decided to quit on me.
i am noticing a pattern emerging in my life.

1:03 am:
clue to where i live #1: today i went to tim hortons and ordered a tea. it didn't come in a roll-up-the-rim cup, but i rolled up the rim anyway. i think i won.

1:05 am:
god is a liar, but everyone listens to him anyway.

(explanation: you have religious group #1, who claims god has told them that they are the only right religion. then you have religious group #2, who claims god has told them that they are the only right religion. god as apparently also told these people to be just and good and tell the truth. therefore, if these people are listening to god and telling the truth when they say they are the only right religion, god must be lying. which is why i don't understand why people fight against each other instead of against god.)

1:15 am:
death is like crossing the finish line. i don't understand why people don't cheer.

1:16 am:
"i wish i had something amazing to say... but i don't."
"that was pretty amazing."

1:28 am:
i have never wanted to kiss anything as badly as i wanted to kiss the tears on your cheeks. never. but i waited too long and your hand got them first. i waited too long. they were gone.

1:44 am:
i thought i knew where i was, but then i started to doubt it. i sat up and checked and i was exactly where i thought i was, but i swear during that one moment of doubt, i was not where i was.

1:53 am:
i have never torn my clothes off faster than i did after you dropped me off at home. i just wanted to stop being the person i just let you see.

all of this, surprisingly sober. shout out to you, ms. wilson.

i discussed the meaning of life today, and decided it was "to live".
"then what's the point of everything? aren't i done?"
"you aren't done living until you die."

love and death are the only real things in the world.

scale of caring: (1 being low and anything above it being high)
1. sex
2. dating
3. love
???
i'm sure there is a bunch in between but i don't have the experience to know.
i can't even get to number one. ouch, holla back.

i am hungrier than you are.

i have learned not to be selfish anymore. for example, i no longer ask for basic human needs such as heat when i am cold. ha. ha. ha. ha. ha.
am i good enough yet?

i bit off one of my nails today.
i was doing so well until now.

i think the hardest part about a situation like this is trying to decide whether to cut the rest of the nails down to blend in with the shorter one, or to accept the bitten nail the way it is.
i think to leave things the way they are is to accept the fact that i am broken. uneven?

notice how much time i devote to finding metaphors on the tips of my fingers...

the short nail is on my right ring finger.
hm, looks like biting my nails is the one thing i do right... bad pun.

i got a text at 11:11 on april 11. i thought it was pretty neat and realized that in 2 years it will be 2011. and then on november 11th, it will be 11/11/11. and i'm going to do everything in my power to catch 11:11 on that day, the morning one, the real one.
i am sure that wish will come true.

in case you were wondering, the text was from some guy who thinks he's got it made talking to me.
everyone thinks i'm an easy fuck.
(just another way i let them down: gotcha! i have standards, haaaaaaa)

i left one out, you know:

1:43 am:
can't you read minds? i wanted you to kiss me.
maybe you can read minds.
thank you for saying no.
you are my nonsensical fuel.