a structural mess

please understand that i don't want to be given the chance to let anyone else down.
if you give me that chance, i will do it.
i promise.

"you are beautiful"
"i love you just the way you are"
"you are never alone"
"everything will be alright"
"i believe in you"
"you are stronger than you think"
"i am here for you"
"i am so proud of you"
"you amaze me"
"you deserve to be happy"

i am posting hundreds of these phrases around my school,
in the hopes that surrounding myself will help me believe.
i want to believe.

i had to try so hard tonight not to tear my fingernails right out of their beds.
biting my nails feels like robbing a grave.

i will be alright, i have decided, and nothing is going to change that for me.
deep breath, baby step, chin up and go.

sometimes i feel like a flower that was planted in the wrong place.
i try my best to be beautiful for somebody, but the people never spot me in my crack in the pavement, and the bees never bother with my far-away pollen. children go by making bouquets and i scream, "PICK ME!" but it is not enough.
i will never be in a bouquet.

you know, i wanted so badly to bite my nails today, and i didn't.
i left the red paint where it was and found a way to be strong.

i am done destroying beautiful things.