i want it, i need it

(where is)

please pick up, please pick up, please
oh, yeah okay sure, can you tell her i called?
ahaha yeah, no, things have been good. great. how about you?
yeah. sorry for calling so late!
actually, you know what, just let her get to bed, ahaha yeah.
yeah, no, forget i ever called.
yeah. thanks!
bye.

(my mind)

you know that soft wind that comes from the back of your throat when you try to tell someone that things are alright when they are so very not?
yeah. yeah, that one.

i am going to share something that i should not share on the internet.
i am a 17 year old girl with blue eyes and brown curly hair.
i am pale, with a few freckles here and there, and other than a maybe-bigger-than-it-should-be nose, i don't think i'm really ugly or anything.
i weigh 115 lbs, and wear a 32d bra.

i just don't understand.

i sign on to facebook and have 10 notifications and they are all just other people commenting on other people's stuff that i happened to comment on.
why do they notify you just to tell you how popular other people are?

i just don't. don't. don't. understand.

i am trying to be a good friend, but honestly, you keep getting the things i want and there are only so many false smiles left in me, i swear.

here, have another twenty.

i just don't
oh my god i can't
i wasn't

why.

call me and tell me how much better you are than me.
like i needed a reminder.

ahahahahahahahahaha.

i went out to a movie with a friend
and accidentally left my cell at home
and came back three hours later to:
no missed calls.
no new text messages.

...

honestly, i would like to try to convince you that i am not a loser,
but at this point, i can't even convince myself.

i just don't understand.