WIP

this is going to be like an actual blog post about my life, so if you're here for poetry or vitriol or whatever, skip this one ahahaha


i'm feeling kinda weird because i guess i usually blog about stuff that has already happened, like as in they've concluded and are finished but i dunno, i felt like kinda marking down where i'm at with this one. like, it was almost an epiphany when i realized like, holy shit, i'm doing alright...??? ahahaha
like i guess i was just thrown back by the realization that i'm no longer sort of dangling myself over the precipice of suicide. which is good, obviously, but also very strange for me because i honestly don't remember a time in like the past 10 years of my life that i wasn't.

i guess it's sort of like, when you feel that way for long enough, and like strongly enough too, you sort of start to integrate it into your idea of self. and i'm totally behind the idea that your mental illness does not define you, but at the same time i think that sometimes being able to explicitly recognize what's going on with yourself and to have a name for it especially can be a source of comfort, or at least calm.

the other thing too, and i'm not really sure how to word this properly, is that i'm now at a point where my medication has stabilized, it's doing its job, i'm keeping up with my own responsibilities to myself, and i just feel like i've done a lot of what's necessary for a person to do in order to get better when it comes to what i've gone through. and obviously i know everyone deals with depression and anxiety and suicide in different ways, and i do believe that it's important for someone to find a treatment that they're comfortable with and all that... but i guess i never realized how opposed to anti-depressants (etc.) a lot of people are. so that was new. and this is the part that i don't know how to say, but like. i find i tend to have a difficult time understanding why someone who identifies themselves as being depressed or as having anxiety would essentially choose to withhold treatment from themselves? and i know it's more complicated than just like "here's your pills, off ya go," obviously, i've been through the difficult process of trying to find a treatment that actually works and all that, but i dunno. i guess it's just different for me because i started with medication so young and for the most part i've been pretty open to trying anything. like if i'm given a prescription, i take that prescription either until i run out or i'm told by the doctor to stop. like, that's what they always tell you to do anyway, so i was pretty surprised to find out that i guess a lot of people don't listen to that. i mean, i knew my brother would ignore doctor's orders or whatever, but i mostly just thought that was him being a stubborn dick again, ahahaha. i dunno. anyway, lately i've just been thinking about that and sort of how my perspective seems to differ from that of a lot of people i surround myself with. and i guess too, with how familiar and comfortable i've become with my medication, the thought of not taking it scares me and i think sometimes i have a hard time understanding other people who don't want to be medicated because of that. i kind of understand the argument like, they don't want to change and become someone else, but at the same time, i feel like i'm more myself now than i have been in years. and again there's some strangeness with mental illness in terms of identity, but i dunno. i know i still have a ways to go and it's all a work in progress for me still, so obviously i don't know it all or anything, but i think what i'm trying to say is that i often find myself projecting my fear at the idea of myself sans meds onto other people who choose to go sans meds. make sense? maybe? ahahaha

the other thing i sort of finally parsed out for myself recently is that while i'm no longer trapped within the same struggles of my past when it comes to depression and suicide, i do still experience destructive thought patterns. like i caught myself yesterday when i was thinking about how i don't really feel suicidal anymore, and my next thought was basically like, "okay, if i'm better, why don't i have a job yet? why am i not back in school yet? why have i not figured my life out yet? i must be a huge piece of shit, fuck, whatever, blah blah..." the sort of stuff that starts with a spiral and ends with a bang, ahah. but i just keep telling myself, like. it's not an overnight transformation. i am not like SUDDENLY un-suicidal or whatever. it's been a process. and i think where i'm at in that process now is that i'm just now finally reaching like, the fulcrum of the see-saw, if that makes any sense. also who the fuck ever thought i'd remember a word like fulcrum??? thanks grade eight carpentry unit! bahaha
anyway, i feel like it's sort of like this: i came from the lower end of the lever. i've pulled myself up slowly over time - literally so slowly that i didn't notice it happening. now i'm at the centre and i'm feeling more balanced than before. what's tricky though, especially now that i've like explicitly admitted it to myself, is how to proceed from here. because if i move for the top part of the lever too fast, the one that's up in the air, it could all come crashing down and then i have to start the process over again. i've reached a sort of middle ground where i'm okay with being here in the present. i have a lot to sort out about my past and i haven't a fuckin' sweet clue about my future, but i've leveled out, and that's a necessary step. now it's just a matter of maybe having a look at what kept me down for so long, dealing with them if i can, finding a way to sort of forgive my past self and the past versions of people or events or whatever. maybe not even forgive, but examine. i think that's important. and then once i've sorted through all that baggage, i can weigh it down on the low side of the see-saw, ground myself with it, and make my way up to the higher seat. i really like that metaphor. because i came home to recalibrate, and i wasn't quite sure what that meant until i started thinking about it like that. i've spent so long trying to just ignore my issues and build on top of them, but i kept crashing back down and having to start over, and ultimately it was because i never dealt with my stuff and so i had nothing to secure myself with.

something that eric and i discussed the other day really got me thinking too, and i feel like it's something i've sort of been dancing around for a long time without knowing what to call it, ahaha. eric and i both enjoy theoretical debates, but we both have strong views on a lot of subjects that often don't match up. the difference is that while he generally stays calm, logical, even-toned and all that stuff (boringgg, ahahaha), i tend to get really animated. problem is, we're still figuring each other out, and so sometimes he interprets my tone or my gestures or stuff as me actually being angry. thankfully, because we're both pretty open and straightforward people, he usually just asks if i'm angry and then i'm able to be like no, i'm just heated/excited/frustrated/generally interested enough to be passionate about whatever we're talking about. so that's good. i feel like we teach each other a lot, and that's something he asked me about too, because each of us has sort of ceded victory to the other in certain topics or sometimes even been able to change their opinions too, and all that. and he asked if it bothered me that we seem to disagree on a lot of this theoretical stuff, and i was basically just like no, i think it's interesting, i like to be thinking all the time, etc. i also told him, like if we get into a heated debate over like, abortion or some other thing where people can have VERY intense views one way or the other, then when we decide we are done debating, we are DONE debating. like, any frustration or anger or whatever from that debate gets shelved. which has been really good too because it's allowed for some really cool follow-ups where we open up the subject again a little while later and because we've both calmed down, we're able to more logically and accurately defend our positions or delve deeper into the issue. it's weird, because i've had problems doing that with other people in the past, but i think the thing is that while we sometimes clash when it comes to like ethics and morality and blah blah blah, ultimately we're extremely compatible. which is weird in and of itself for me because i've never had that happen before. i think we're both in a good place with what we're doing right now too, because we're open with each other about like CLEARLY wanting to be together, no mind games or whatever, and that even extends to the point that we've talked about what might happen if we broke up. i mean ultimately, in terms of that, i told him that i'm like 99% sure i'll frost him out for a couple of weeks before i'm able to talk to him again or attempt friends or whatever (which he believes is possible; me, not so much). that being said, i also told him that i don't think i could regret our relationship if we like somehow broke up tomorrow, because i do feel like i've not only learned from him and his perspective on life, i've also learned a lot about me.
something i also like is that we talked about "the point" of some of the discussions we get into, because he (like a LOT of people in my life...) always asks me why i let myself get so involved in something that "clearly pisses me off." which is another instance of my tone not accurately reflecting where i'm at, so i've tried to be more careful about not sounding like i want to kill him when we debate, ahahaha. the thing is, i enjoy being fired up about stuff. and i know i come across as angry, but to me it's something that, in its very nature, you HAVE to throw yourself into. i told him like, my goal in any discussion like that is to LEARN, when put most simply. like i either learn because he tells me something that changes my opinion, or i learn because he says something i might not have thought of, or i learn because in having to defend your own argument, you often a) realize new things about why you feel a certain way and b) strengthen your own conviction in what you believe when you are forced to explain it to somebody else. of course, that also means that sometimes i end up being like "wait, what the hell" when i try to verbalize something and then when it's put into words i'm like ohhh, yeah okay i see why that's problematic. anyway, that's all been good. it's fun. i know it's not much, but i feel productive.

it's also started a bit of a snowball effect in self awareness as i realize that my tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language often project a MUCH harsher image than what i intend. after eric told me that he can't tell if i'm angry or not sometimes, i tried paying a bit more attention. during a discussion with my brother, where i didn't even mention what eric had said about my tone, he actually pretty much verbalized the same feeling. and i guess it's weird because i don't see myself as an innately aggressive person, but i guess this is another case of me sort of missing some social cues or something - i honestly had no idea people thought i was that angry, ahahah. so fack. that's been kind of enlightening. PLUS, after both eric and tim had mentioned it, and because i was trying to catch myself when it happened, it actually ended up coming up AGAIN, this time with steph. and the difficult part of that is that we BOTH tend to do it.

the thing i forget when i'm with steph is that we've known each other for literally so long that our rapport is not easily understood, ahahaha. like, we snark at each other in ways that i've now noticed that other people are uncomfortable around. and it's one thing to be that close and that comfortable with one another, but it's also worrying because if it can be misinterpreted by other people that i'm close to, it could potentially be misinterpreted between us as well (which has happened, a little bit, actually). what was really hard for me is that it's one thing to realize a flaw in your own actions and seek to right them, but when you see that same flaw in other people, it can be difficult to bring up. especially because you're so hyper-aware of that particular bad habit that you end up getting frustrated with that person's ignorance of its occurrence. does that make sense? like, if i'm trying to be less aggressive-sounding, and then i'd hear steph using that same tone, it sort of inexplicably irked me. and i honestly think part of it is like, if i have to stop, why do you get to do it? like someone who wants to quit smoking but then expects everyone else around them to do it too... which is completely ridiculous, i know, and obviously a kind of juvenile thought process, but i suppose it is what it is. so now that's another thing i've been trying to watch, is not losing it on steph when she uses the same tone i'm trying to avoid myself, ahahaha. definitely an evolution of self awareness for me; i seem to be finding new things to watch every time i think i've got one under control.

also, hi steph. because there is no way you're not going to end up reading this - and that's only if i don't end up reading it to you myself, bahahaha.

another thing is that steph and i spend a LOT of time together. which is great because we both know how the other works and we compliment each other very well by now. it's like a well-oiled machine. i think what's caused some tension between us lately has been a lot of change happening around us. like, when we hang out, we pretty much know exactly what we're going to do and we just sink right into it. we're totally comfortable with that and it's awesome. but what with steph's big move and all that, there's been a lot more outside interference than usual - like the stress of moving, and then the stress of organizing, and the stress of new responsibilities at the new house (which i am included in, of course, because at this point i might as well just live wherever steph lives), etc. when i think about it, we actually haven't had much time to actually relax and recharge the way we usually do when we hang out. and of course it's inevitable as we adjust to any kind of change, i mean, there's shit to do, ahahaha. but that's definitely been an issue too.

another sort of problem is that my newly expanded self-awareness seems to have sprouted a bit of hyper-awareness/paranoia when it comes to other people. like, i've been extremely hesitant to engage steph in our usual manner out in public, which i know for a fact has come off as especially frosty to her. so that sucks. it's also roused a little bit of my social anxiety again, which had been pretty good for a while. i actually noticed myself shaking for the first time in a while when eric and i attended a christmas party last friday and there were WAAAY more people than i expected there. also way more people i didn't know, which was dumb of me because i should have known, ahaha. but it was good! more on that in a sec actually.
anyway, i guess it's just been a bit weird between steph and i lately because we're both trying to adapt to significant changes in our lives. i think it's caused a lot of tension and uncertainty on both ends, which, again, sucks. but like, it's steph. and i know that doesn't make sense to anyone else but steph, bahahaha. i guess it's just a feeling of like, yeah, i know we're kinda annoying each other right now, but like NOWHERE in my mind is the possibility of it being a serious issue for us. like not that what each of us are feeling isn't serious, but just, i dunno. the security of a friendship that has truly just been sisterhood, ahahah.

something else on that that i have to say i am both apologetic and proud for is the fact that for the first time i think maybe EVER, steph actually approached me about an issue she had with something i did, completely without my prompting. because the thing is, yeah, we can basically read each other like books, but that doesn't mean we don't fuck up. and we can usually tell when the other is upset, but - and steph, you know this anyway, ahaha - while i'm very much a "barfer" when it comes to my emotions, steph is VERY much a "bottler." which i think is something we both understand about each other, but we also have a hard time not getting sort of tunnel-visioned in our own ways sometimes. steph is actually on her way over tonight so we can sort of chat it out, which is awesome because steph actually asked for it and it's usually a case of me unwittingly pissing her off for like a week until i either notice and ask about it or she pushes it like deeper inside herself and sort of letting me get away with it. which sucks for both of us because it's DEFINITELY not healthy for her, and like. if i'm managing to piss steph off with something i'm doing, chances are something is up, bahaha. it's usually something that has been hindering my other personal relationships as well if it's enough to get to steph.
anyway it's kinda weird because while i do feel bad for doing something that would hurt her feelings obviously, which like we both know - but i'm also super proud of steph for actually calling me out and like asking me to talk about it. PROUD O' UUUUU ahahaha. i appreciate it because i want to improve so i need to know what i'm doing wrong first, PLUS i know we both have trust issues out the wazoo but it's nice to feel like even after all these years our friendship can still evolve and improve and we're still continuing to learn. so basically just a whole bunch of FRIEND FEELS. talk to ya tonight, steph! ahahahaha

eric and i went to sammi's christmas party on friday, which was nice. i was a bit thrown at first with just like the amount of people, but everyone was super nice, nobody was really like too hammered or anything, and i got to see a lot of people that i haven't seen in AGES. plus there was a LOT of food, not gonna lie, that was definitely a highlight, bahaha...
what was a bit weird but also nice was actually being at a party with my highschool friends and actually bringing a date, bahaha. i feel like with most of my friends i'm kinda like the perpetually single one, so that was a bit of an adjustment too. i kept forgetting to introduce him to people, which i felt bad about, but we chatted with some people and did a lot of people-watching too, which was fun, ahaha. it was interesting too to see my friends' reactions to me actually dating someone, plus the reactions of people i didn't know - lotta ladies appreciating my arm candy, bahahaha. ;)
another weird thing about that though was seeing nathan after like, years. he was friendly enough but he had his new girlfriend there but like didn't really seem to be hanging out with her, which like, she seemed super sweet so i felt bad for her being on her phone for basically the entire night. she seemed shy though too, so maybe that's just how it goes, i dunno. eric kept saying that nathan was like staring at me or, in his words, "smitten," which was honestly mostly just funny to me. he tried to walk in on me in the bathroom, which like. i'm sorry, but that has happened literally one thousand times too often for him to be doing it as a genuine accident. he also at one point brought up a time that we hooked up like 3 years ago so that he could tell me that he'd actually had a girlfriend at the time and had cheated with me??? which like??? why are you even bringing that up, like as if that's something i want to know. so that was weird, but luckily deshaun and a couple other rowdy guys in the kitchen started yelling "SAM!" every time it was supposed to say "sail" in that awolnation song, which was hilarious. and also a great out, bahaha.
eric and i didn't drink too much, but it was nice. we both kinda noticed people looking at us throughout the night, which made me nervous that we were like "that couple" at a party just like making out in a corner, but really we just talked mostly so i was like fuck it whatever. also i looked slammin', so. basically every girl there was in a short black minidress and i was in this wispy lace and chiffon floor-length contraption that was equally gorgeous and difficult to pee in because of the built in shorts. but FASHION. only thing that sucked was that i'd been super stoked for post-party sex because like, when you know you look good it's just better, ahahaha. but by the time we got home after like struggling to extract ourselves from the conversation, i was like dead tired and we agreed to go to sleep right away. we're old people, basically. it was gross. like brushing our teeth side by side, the whole shebang. eric pointed it out to me this morning and i was like damn, ahahah.
he stayed two nights, which was good except that he's vegetarian but basically vegan, so i felt really bad about not really knowing what to feed him. at one point i told my dad eric couldn't eat meat, so my dad promptly fried up some salmon for him, which like. dad. fish are meat. but then i had to eat my words when i got all excited to go out for ice cream after dinner and i didn't realize that eric wouldn't be able to get anything until we were literally already standing in baskin robbins. oops, bahahaha.

it's hard for me to talk about mushy shit without feeling like an idiot, but i'm happy with him. and it's not just the kind of thing i've had in the past where i'm like eh, yeah, this is good enough for now or whatever, it's like a genuine desire to CONTINUE being with him. i feel like most of my past relationships like, i wasn't thinking ahead or like, i couldn't picture myself with them like a year from now or whatever. but i dunno, i think eric and i work well together. only person i've ever like actually wanted to have sex with, like not just getting it over with or whatever, and okay like this is the shit i have trouble saying but i wanna like record this thing now for myself or whatever, like. i've laughed during sex before, which has been received with mixed reactions, ahaha. and we're able to laugh in a good way, which is nice. and this sounds super dumb but like, more than just laughing, i've been able to genuinely smile during sex. which is somehow more. i don't really know how to describe it. it's just real. it's weird. in a good way, obviously, but it's just new, ahaha. still figuring it out a little bit.

all in all, what i'm basically recording for posterity in this monster post is that i'm feeling balanced. i'm feeling good. and i'm actually looking towards my future a bit and thinking ahead in terms of like, plans that don't end in suicide, ahaha. it's been a long time since i've even been able to entertain thoughts like, "where will i be next year?" and while i still get nervous or whatever about it, i think that's okay. it's probably normal, like really. i firmly believe in planning ahead if possible, but i'm also learning to firmly believe in being present. so it's been good. still a lot to do, but i'm finally feeling like i'm not stuck to the bottom of the barrel or whatever.

i also cleaned my room while i thought about what all to write here, so that's good. steph should be over in an hour or so and i think i'm gonna do some yoga til then. read a book i borrowed. i dunno. do good things.

if you read all this, i don't apologize. you were warned at the start, ahahaha.
thanks.