side b

i knew i shouldn't have looked.

irrational, huh?
let's break it down for you then, real slow for your vapid ass self.

you came to me to tell me he was harassing you. simultaneously, i received a second-hand message of you telling someone else that sometimes, when he tells you it was all your fault, you believe him. now i'm sorry that you had two people who cared about you enough to come to your defense, but rest assured: you don't have them anymore.

i read you the message i sent.
you said, "actually yeah, that's pretty good."

huh.

he threw my suicide attempt back in my face.

he literally came at me
throwing my fucking suicide attempt
back in my face.

are you fucking stupid?

then what happened? well, he did it twice more over the course of me defending you,
and when it was finally over, i did exactly what i fucking told him i was going to do:
i showed everyone his shitty fucking self.

i didn't post the whole conversation, like i'd warned him i would do.
i posted the original message i sent him, and i posted the three times he used my suicide attempt as a weapon against me.

you know, for someone who tries to tell me that i shouldn't joke about it,
you sure don't seem to actually give a fuck in the face of some fucking asshole
that you were stupid enough to think you "loved" or some idiotic shit
despite every fucking one of us telling you he was an asshole.

how long have you even known he existed?

'cause four fucking years i wasted on you.

then his friend jumps in, tries to give us shit for the exact thing he is doing to us right now,
and guess what? i'm still defending you. i'm still tryna show him what nick did.

i showed him the fucking screen caps. he coulda seen the whole conversation if he wanted.
i offered. i have nothing to hide. everything i said, i meant. wouldn't change a word.

he told me
i was asking for it.

and where the fuck were you?
'cause i was fucking there for you, you absolute cunt.
i fucking fought for you.

and i know you didn't ask for it - of course you fucking didn't!
you could never stand up for yourself, nevermind ask for help,
no fucking clue why i thought you'd defend me,
so maybe i'm a fucking idiot for that.

radio fucking silence.

and the next thing you say to me?

"nice mess you guys made."

look.
i am sorry that nick didn't want to hear me tell him to stop emotionally manipulating you. (i'm not.)
but really? fucking really?

that outweighs what he fucking said to me?

i didn't even fucking defend myself, because i wasn't there to do that.
i was there to defend you.

what a waste of fucking time.

what was it, huh? what was it that pulled you to his side?
'cause i have a few fucking guesses.

look, i get it.
you wanna keep your current status of being "vaguely fuckable" to the football dudes.
sure, whatever. it's not like you haven't been thirsty for a scrap of literally
ANY OF THEM
since frosh.

i should have seen it coming.

you are so fucking desperate to be loved that you will chase the first dude who fuckin' looks at you,
and you know what? i used to defend you for that too.

years of hearing it from guys,
"why is she always staring."
"she followed me around all night."
"she just sort of invited herself."

and i backed you up, because that's what friends do.

but i guess once his buddy got involved you had your precious reputation on the line, didn't you?
oh no! the guys might think you have a spine! how will they ever come to you at the end of the night for last call because pickings were slim enough that they figured,
"ah well, i know she'll fuck me."

yeah? fuck you.

you wanna keep being the sloppy last pick of any fucking football player who'll have you?
fine. 'cause i can tell you what you fucking ain't:
a friend to me at all.

you're a thirsty, one-dimensional, insipid fucking cunt
and it's the exact reason you lost your friends from high school.
oh no, a boy with a penis! i couldn't resist!

well, here's a familiar outcome for you then.
you lost friends in university too.

there were times when i called you at my worst. i let you see that. i let you in.
do you even know what the fuck i'm saying?
do you fucking understand now?

irrational.

tell that to the girl who is literally picking the dude who fought with her
over the friends who fought for her.

but you know, there's one thing i regret in all this:
that i ever thought you were a person i could trust. that i ever thought you were a person worth defending. that i ever wasted my time and energy and love on a person who threw it aside fucking instantaneously the minute it wasn't convenient.
all you've ever been about is being someone else's two-piece fuck.

and i defended you.
what the fuck.

what a waste of time.

you know what? text someone else the next time you let the quarterback fuck you and you're worried because he won't text you back. aw, muffin. he's not texting you back because he's only fucking interested in you to begin with because the whole team knows you're easy as shit.

you're a cheap lay, idiot.
and you're a shit friend.
not that that matters to you, so.

you deserve whatever fucked up relationship you get yourself into,
because lord knows you won't learn how to fucking stand up for yourself.
we tried to do it for you, and look where that got us.

"nice mess you guys made."

well, enjoy, cass!

this is what you chose.

his pride over my suicide.

and my choice? is to have nothing at all to do with someone who could make a decision like that.

there's the whole thing laid out, honey.
see if you can rationalize your own actions
before you criticize mine.

fuck you.