i think maybe the reason people think i'm a bitch is because i refuse to adjust my self image to cooperate with theirs. like, i am not going to pretend to be a dumb bitch just so that i seem more attractive and less threatening to some idiot dude. i am not going to say less of what's on my mind just because the way girls usually handle their shit is all that behind-the-back bullshit.
and it's a weird thing to try to figure out because on the one hand i know i cross lines that i don't mean to cross sometimes, like maybe there are times when a little bit of censorship might do me good, but like for the most part i guess i'm just like, k. why should i shape my life around anyone but me?
when you die, you die alone. doesn't matter how many people are standing around your death bed, like. when you go, you don't bring anyone with you.
and i think worse than this idea of dying alone that everyone is so fucking afraid of is the idea of dying with a bunch of fucking ghosts of the people you could have been swirling around you if you'd made different choices. i don't wanna get old and wonder if i made the right choices about my life. like, i don't want the final review of my life to be some kinda half-ass quantitative measurement of "did i pick the right answer" yes or no shit.
when i look back on all my shit, i just wanna know that i did exactly what i felt was right in the moment and if you live like that then it's never the wrong decision. i wanna know that i felt what i felt and i said what i meant and i did what i wanted to do. i wanna know that i lived in the exact moment in which i existed and didn't try to be this other person on the outside tryna pick and choose who i think i'm supposed to be. i just want to be.
and maybe that sounds ignorant. yeah, i think it kinda does. probably selfish too. but like, when i die, i'm not taking any of you fuckers with me. and to be honest, i don't really think it matters who's standing around your death bed in the end. life isn't about the people you'll be with when you die. it's about the people you're with while you're alive and vibrant and expressive and just like being as you are.
i think people have a weird idea about the value of the way other people remember you. none of it fucking matters. and for every person in the world who thinks i'm a bitch, great. that's a person for whom i didn't censor myself. that's a person who saw me as i actually am, and that scares people.
people call other people rude or crazy or mean or whatever because that person is expressing themselves in a pure enough state that the bluntness of themselves can overwhelm people who choose not to live like that. who live their life in choices instead of in moments and feelings and instincts and all the things that make us the beings we are. it's the animal base of us all. people forget that we're animals. if you can rationalize 800 fucking reasons that your dog decided to take a shit on the carpet why the fuck can't you wrap your head around another human being doing what they gotta do? which is hopefully not shitting on the carpet, but y'know.
i dunno what brought this on, but i guess i just started thinking about how people see me, and that's a shitty thought category for me in general because i know i come on strong. i know i say shit that makes people uncomfortable. i know i'm impatient and i can be rude as fuck and i can tear people down without a second thought sometimes and these are all clearly flaws but they are my flaws. and when i look back at all the bits of my life that might have contributed to somebody thinking i'm a bitch, i just start thinking to myself: if i could go back... would i change any of it?
and honestly, i think my answer is no. i've done a lot of embarrassing shit, the kinda stuff that makes you cringe when you remember it, but the one thing i've never done is tried to hide what i felt or bottle it up or like wait until a person left the room so i could talk shit about them or whatever. people i don't like fucking know i don't like them. i don't have time to pretend. i don't have time for that passive aggressive bullshit. and i don't expect people to pretend for me either, so really, if they think i'm a bitch and don't have the balls to say anything about it? your fuckin' problem, dude.
i am not going to downplay who i am and how i feel and what i wanna do and how i wanna react and turn everything into a series of fucking multiple choice questions to try and shape myself because that's fucking impossible. you don't pick a mold to grow into. you can't confine yourself within the carbon-copy cookie-cutter characters you think you wanna be because you are not that person. you can never be that person.
you literally can never be anyone else but you. no matter how hard you try. no matter what you try to bottle up or hide or change for other people. you will always be you. so i'm not gonna bother trying to adapt to the cages that other people choose to put themselves in. i'm not here to cater to as many people as possible so that i can be "remembered," because eventually everyone is forgotten. once you die you cease to exist and the memories of you fade the longer you aren't around to revive them. it all goes with time.
so maybe i'm a bitch. i think i know why people think that about me. and it's not like it doesn't get me down some days, not like it doesn't hurt to sometimes realize that maybe there are a lot of people out there who don't like you. but if i had the opportunity to go back and change it, eh, i'd still end up a bitch.
a thinking, feeling, unflinching, animal bitch - but at least there's only one of me. and that's better than a thousand ghosts of the "somebody else" i supposedly could have been.
"you'll get yours,
and i'll have mine.
here's hoping for christmas,
you ask for a spine."
ah, fuck it.
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