400

yesterday i got the marks back for a midterm essay i handed in 5 days late. the penalty per day was 5%, and so i got 25% knocked off. the essay itself literally took me two hours to write once i actually just sat the fuck down and wrote it, so i don't know why i decided to take a casual five fucking day vacation from it, but there you go.
i got a 52 on it, which means that even without the late penalty my mark would have been a 65. what the fuck. since when in hell do i get fucking 65% on an essay. fuck that. i'm so fucking angry, what the actual fuck.

today i got my japanese midterm back. i have never studied for anything as hard as i studied for that midterm. i put together hundreds of flashcards for practice and went over all the coursework for a solid seven hours straight the night before. i feel like all anyone is going to say about it is that i shouldn't cram study, but fuck you and your shit, i enjoy cram studying. it gets me ready for the exam and forces me to focus. i got a fucking 59 on that midterm. a 59. what the fuck is that shit.
then as i'm trying not to cry in class, the prof calls on me to answer an exercise that i just blatantly do not know the answer to, so i proceed to burst into tears. cool life. fuck.

i am wasting so much fucking money here.

i'm just beginning to realize that i'm not fucking made for this. i don't fucking care about this and i don't fucking enjoy it. i want immediate rewards for busting my ass, and i certainly expect there to BE rewards. i hate that it can even HAPPEN that i can study for seven fucking hours and still get a completely shitty mark. FUCK THAT. like how is that even a thing. how the fuck is this called education. all i am learning is that i have dug myself a hole and i am trapped. i don't understand the lesson. i am failing the course.

i can memorize facts all i want,
but knowing that i am FUCKED doesn't help me understand why.

i want to leave.
like i want to just fucking up and go and never have to talk to anyone from here again, or anyone who knows me at all and will remind me of the fact that i am fucking drowning here and that when i look back on this time in my life it will be with shame. i am failing at university. i cannot do it. i will not succeed, it will not be okay. i'm not meant for this.

and i can't leave. not now. not after i've spent this much fucking time and money on it. if i leave university, i am leaving the world.

i'm going to my german class soon.
if that midterm was shit too, i'm seriously going to fucking lose it.

i want to fucking kill myself.
where's the fucking razor when you need it.