400

yesterday i got the marks back for a midterm essay i handed in 5 days late. the penalty per day was 5%, and so i got 25% knocked off. the essay itself literally took me two hours to write once i actually just sat the fuck down and wrote it, so i don't know why i decided to take a casual five fucking day vacation from it, but there you go.
i got a 52 on it, which means that even without the late penalty my mark would have been a 65. what the fuck. since when in hell do i get fucking 65% on an essay. fuck that. i'm so fucking angry, what the actual fuck.

today i got my japanese midterm back. i have never studied for anything as hard as i studied for that midterm. i put together hundreds of flashcards for practice and went over all the coursework for a solid seven hours straight the night before. i feel like all anyone is going to say about it is that i shouldn't cram study, but fuck you and your shit, i enjoy cram studying. it gets me ready for the exam and forces me to focus. i got a fucking 59 on that midterm. a 59. what the fuck is that shit.
then as i'm trying not to cry in class, the prof calls on me to answer an exercise that i just blatantly do not know the answer to, so i proceed to burst into tears. cool life. fuck.

i am wasting so much fucking money here.

i'm just beginning to realize that i'm not fucking made for this. i don't fucking care about this and i don't fucking enjoy it. i want immediate rewards for busting my ass, and i certainly expect there to BE rewards. i hate that it can even HAPPEN that i can study for seven fucking hours and still get a completely shitty mark. FUCK THAT. like how is that even a thing. how the fuck is this called education. all i am learning is that i have dug myself a hole and i am trapped. i don't understand the lesson. i am failing the course.

i can memorize facts all i want,
but knowing that i am FUCKED doesn't help me understand why.

i want to leave.
like i want to just fucking up and go and never have to talk to anyone from here again, or anyone who knows me at all and will remind me of the fact that i am fucking drowning here and that when i look back on this time in my life it will be with shame. i am failing at university. i cannot do it. i will not succeed, it will not be okay. i'm not meant for this.

and i can't leave. not now. not after i've spent this much fucking time and money on it. if i leave university, i am leaving the world.

i'm going to my german class soon.
if that midterm was shit too, i'm seriously going to fucking lose it.

i want to fucking kill myself.
where's the fucking razor when you need it.

fffuuuccckkk

i was supposed to do a favor for a friend today and i straight up forgot,
which pisses me off because i know how upset i get about people saying they'll do something and then not doing it.
sooo i feel like shit, ahah. ugh.

it's not really helping that i apologized profusely and my friend is still bitching me out for it.
it turns out it was way more important that i do it than i thought.
not that it matters - i fucking meant to do it, i'm just retarded.
i just feel like shit, fuck.

and at the same time i can't help feeling indignant about the fact that she feels like she can still give me hell for it.
i feel like if it was that important i don't understand why she wasn't doing it herself.

... i still feel like a fucking douche, ahaha. bleh.
fuck. did not need to start the week like this.

"of course i remember."

one of the happiest and saddest phrases
i have ever heard.

happy birthday to me

"twenty years old,
to the dot, to the day.
if you called, truth be told,
i don't know what i'd say.

but it's fine,
'cause i know you won't.

eleven at night,
in another timezone,
and i'm doing alright
if you'd wanted to know.

but it's fine,
'cause i know you don't.

prioritize pity over pride and praise,
fall back in fear from the human you raise.
write down your story, and let it be dubbed:
the unfortunate fate of a daughter unloved."





you know,
somewhere in the back of my head,
i still believed in you enough to think you might call on my birthday.
twenty years ago today you gave birth to me,
but i guess, by now,
you've decided
you're done.

so no.

"breathing in:
much harder with guilt pushing down.
sinking in,
that he doesn't want you around.

paint on your face,
you're quite the disgrace
when you tear off the flowers,
the pearls and the lace.

run and hide,
bury it deep inside.

you can hope for the best
with that weight on your chest
and his voice, which you swear that you heard.
if you need to weigh out
all your midnight doubts,
start with the weight of your words."

yellow diamonds

i'm starting to realize that i'm going to be okay.
sort of a belated revelation, but whatever.
better late than never.

i sent an "i miss you" text again today,
but i was sober so i feel like it's not quite so bad.
or maybe it's worse. fuck if i know.
but he's now officially over me,
that much is certain.

it sucks,
but at the same time, i know it's probably for the best.

lately i've been noticing that i get a lot more attention from boys than i thought i did, which is flattering in the weirdest way, ahaha.
it makes me wonder if maybe people think i'm easy,
but then again, when i do hook up it's usually with randoms,
not with guy friends who have been flirting with me.
so idk.

i secured my summer job too,
which sort of solidified the fact in my mind that the year is almost over.
so as much as i hate to be the girl who friendzones everyone,
uh. yep. that'll be me for the rest of the year.
ha.

we'll see. meh.

magnetism

i slept through the entire day today and had a horrible fucking dream.
long story short, i was raped by a guy who lives in my residence (in the dream),
and when i called out for help, it was rory's name i called.

god fucking damn it.

and i know it's just a dream,
but it really sucks to wake up feeling like absolute shit
because of some fucking weird imagery your mind came up with,
and have your friends fucking laugh at you when you seek solace.
like fuck.

i know i should find it funny because it was just a dream,
but i woke up completely soaked in sweat with my heart pounding
and i legitimately had to sit on my bed and just focus on breathing
for a solid ten minutes before i was sure i wouldn't burst into tears.

what the fuck is the matter with me.





and for the record,
when i called rory's name in the dream,
he didn't come.

really though,

i have no reason to have sex with anyone for the rest of this year.
fuck it.

i don't know why it's taken me as long as it has to realize that every time i have sex it's just another drunken fuck-up that i regret for days afterward even if i enjoy it in the moment.

i don't need to have sex.

i need to start making my actions mean something,
which usually means making them less frequent.
that way, when they do happen,
it's actually significant.

i'm tired of being a throw-away.

for the rest of this year,
i'm just going to be a fucking robot.
i don't have time to get emotionally or physically involved with people,
because i should be doing work.
and school ends in two months,
or less because of ewams,
so.

nothing i do will mean anything,
so i will do nothing.

the end.



... fuck.

"don't fuck around" february

this february, i will not:
- get drunk
- have sex

i may make an exception for myself on the 22nd,
which is my 20th birthday,
except that nobody is going to be here anyway,
so i probably won't.

i'm still going to that wine tasting thing this sunday,
if i get my way.

so, drinking. but no drunk.
ugh.

i need to stop embarrassing the fuck out of myself.
can i just leave? k bye.

too late

"i'm a hypocrite,
i'm a piece of shit.
i'm a mess.

i am insecure
i am aiming for
a way to hurt less."

(1)

i have a ten page paper due in less than twelve hours and i have yet to start it.
i just don't care.

i feel like i shouldn't be here anymore.

in the past few weeks i have managed to utterly destroy my reputation.
i honestly don't want to drink anymore simply because i make an ass out of myself
every. fucking. time.

i don't understand what is going on around me
and i don't know how to undo the damage i've done, ahah.
what else is new.

i am a hurricane,
you are the sun.
light of my eye,
eye of the storm,
blocked out by wind and cloud
and hurt.

someone please tell me how to be.

god damn it.

i am really selfish.

i know that you're right and that it's for the best,
but i want you to believe that you're wrong.

i want you.