float

i think that drowning,
if you really accepted it,
would be a painless way to go.

and pretty, too.

fack

trust me on this one, and just walk away.
i am a terrible idea, it's only fair to say
i will hurt you, i will destroy you and leave
and i will not give a shit like you wouldn't believe.

trust me on this one, it's proven as fact.
i am wearing a mask, please don't fall for my act.
i am selfish, i am rotten and mean.
i don't try to be dirty, but i can't come clean.

trapped

crooked rooftops, unlike the suburbs,
so counted and clean,
grainy mornings, mist from the trees
that surround us in green.

mist and distance cloud us from fear.
we can breathe in deep here.

crooked rooftops, perfect for climbing
while under the stars.
cracked pavement under lights, where in the city
there would have been cars.

we are so far away from what's holding us back.
we are so close to making up for what we lack.
you can be anyone you want, dear.
you can breathe in deep here.

mist and distance cloud us from fear.

something i've never told anyone

i think the first time i ever really thought about sex was back in either kindergarten or the first grade. i'm sure i didn't know what the hell i was actually thinking about back then, but still. it had to be sometime during that period because it was in the old public library in orangeville (we moved after first grade), up in the attic where the childrens' books were. i was obsessed with beatrix potter books, like the tale of peter rabbit and whatnot, and the book i read a lot at the time was "the roly-poly pudding", also known as "the tale of samuel whiskers". i don't remember everything that happens in the book, but i remember that at one point this rat tries to roll this kitten up in dough or whatever to turn him into a pudding. and i don't know why, but somewhere in my subconscious this registered as something sexual i guess because i used to read it and just look at the pictures over and over again and try to imagine what it felt like to be wrapped in dough and kneaded and whatnot. i know it doesn't sound sexual, and it actually sounds fucking stupid, but i remember feeling guilty every time i did it. i don't know. i guess just when i think back about it, it registers to me as something sexual.

i guess another one along those lines was this disney short where donald got stuck in a hair-styling machine upside down and they styled his like ass-feathers or whatever instead, bahahaha. i don't even know, but that was another one.

maybe this is why i can't have regular sexual relationships - every one of my earliest sexual fantasies (or whatever i should call them) involved some level of bondage.
... i'm gross.

yep. enjoy that one, internet.

varnish

i wish that i was far, far away from here.

"but maps can't tell time," you know?
you know.

i want to vanish.

black olives and green peppers

i'm starting to feel like the reason i love inception so much is because i would love to be able to wake up from this.

i don't know what i'm doing.

i don't know why i'm here.

i just want wooden floors in a one-bedroom apartment overlooking the city with a male white kitty named baby and mismatched furniture and lots of fresh fruit and vegetables in my fridge.

i don't know what i should do with myself anymore.

i'm tired.

loose ends

i'm not going to lie,
i sort of wish people called me
samantha.

hill

i don't know what i want.

and when i say that, i don't even mean
that there's a long list of pros and cons involved.
there isn't.

what i mean is that i literally cannot tell
what i'm feeling or thinking right now.

it seems to me that
i don't feel the same way about you that you feel about me.
but i know that
that could change in an instant - especially if i do something i'll regret.

i guess what it boils down to is that
i'm staying with you right now, even though i don't want to, because i know that if i break it off and regret it (which is likely), i won't know what to do.
and i can't tell if i'm just going through a low point and i'll still like you when i switch, or if i actually don't feel that way about you anymore.

fear is playing a factor, too, if we're being honest.

as much as i keep telling you to calm down,
i wish i could too.

bear

i don't know what i want, at all.

the world is a small, small town.

howl

"fish out of water,
bat out of hell.
out of the blue,
and ringing a bell.

wolf in sheep's skin,
it's wearing me thin.
let sleeping dogs lie,
'til the cold sets in.

can't you hear me ringing,
calling, singing.
waiting, winging
for words you might keep.

can't you feel me near you?
trying not to fear you.
listening to hear you
when you talk in your sleep."

i don't know what the fuck any of this means, but i like it.
why the fuck is it 4am?

maybe i'll finish this later.
... nope.

i don't understand what is happening in my brain

how do you tell someone that you have a personality disorder that makes it so that you will essentially idealize them one day and totally demonize them the next?
it sounds stupid to even blame that on a one-shot diagnosis.

i want to tell him that for every day that i let myself care about him,
there will be a day when i tell myself that something is off,
and that thing will usually be him.

it won't even be that anything is wrong, and it definitely won't be his fault.
but how do you explain that?

i feel like i'm essentially telling someone to just forgive me for not being able to be normal because i'm a terrible person from a medical standpoint.
and that just doesn't feel like enough.

how am i supposed to explain that my behaviour isn't actually my desired behaviour as much as it is a reaction to a perceived world that contains more psychological threats in my mind than it actually does, or than it does to a normal person?

how do you essentially warn someone that they will have to deal with the fact that i'm apparently not supposed to be held responsible for my own actions, and that they basically just have to deal with the fact that i'm a terrible person?

like fuck.

does any of this make sense?

it still fucking doesn't to me.

3:40

"i'm a mess,
i am no, and still i'm yes.
i am fast and i am slow,
i am stop and go.

i am infinitely overrated -
i am simply complicated.
i will hate you, bite you, fight you.
baby, you know i'll delight you.

oh, i know.
there's no need to let it show,
i'm just warning you before
you decide that you want more."

this turned out way more show-tuney than what i meant.
also, a lot less true.

argh, i don't even know.

yikezzz

so much dwaaama!

i just wanna go home and eat turkey.
heheheh.

holy fuck u gaiz.
stuffing. <3

missed class

so last night i couldn't sleep at all,
and i started to panic because i really haven't been going to classes like i should be,
so i took sleeping pills even though it was already 1am and i KNEW it would last past when i was supposed to get up,
but i guess i just freaked out, i don't even know.

so this morning rolls around and what do you know,
i can't get up.

it wasn't until noon that i finally could lift my arms for long enough to literally
peel my eyelashes apart.

what the fuck is the matter with me?
i feel like i'm wasting everyone's time by being here.
why can't i do the things that other people do so easily?
i don't understand.

what it boils down to is that

i'm scared.