something i've never told anyone

i think the first time i ever really thought about sex was back in either kindergarten or the first grade. i'm sure i didn't know what the hell i was actually thinking about back then, but still. it had to be sometime during that period because it was in the old public library in orangeville (we moved after first grade), up in the attic where the childrens' books were. i was obsessed with beatrix potter books, like the tale of peter rabbit and whatnot, and the book i read a lot at the time was "the roly-poly pudding", also known as "the tale of samuel whiskers". i don't remember everything that happens in the book, but i remember that at one point this rat tries to roll this kitten up in dough or whatever to turn him into a pudding. and i don't know why, but somewhere in my subconscious this registered as something sexual i guess because i used to read it and just look at the pictures over and over again and try to imagine what it felt like to be wrapped in dough and kneaded and whatnot. i know it doesn't sound sexual, and it actually sounds fucking stupid, but i remember feeling guilty every time i did it. i don't know. i guess just when i think back about it, it registers to me as something sexual.

i guess another one along those lines was this disney short where donald got stuck in a hair-styling machine upside down and they styled his like ass-feathers or whatever instead, bahahaha. i don't even know, but that was another one.

maybe this is why i can't have regular sexual relationships - every one of my earliest sexual fantasies (or whatever i should call them) involved some level of bondage.
... i'm gross.

yep. enjoy that one, internet.