an attempt at understanding

i'll start off by saying that hey,
i don't know what it's like to be addicted to drugs.
or alcohol. or cigarettes. or sex.
or anything.

i'll just get that out of the way because fuck it,
i'm being as honest as i can, with myself and everyone else,
so let's lay it out as it is.

that being said,
here we go.

i am so tired of living in a family that prioritizes pity over pride and praise.
like the alliteration? try to read it literally.

my brother is a seventeen-year-old cocaine addict and drug dealer, living in my dad's basement. he was supposed to graduate high school this year. he has zero high school credits. i get it - the kid's had it rough. his mother "abandoned" him due to his violent tendencies back when he was nine years old, and since then it's been hard for him to trust people - especially women. i fucking get it. but why does that mean that his choices in life are okay? why does that mean that he gets to bring our family down to a whole other class of human fucking beings? i am so sick of feeling like societal garbage because our house is the fucking drug hut on the street. i am so tired of being embarrassed to bring people over to my house, or introduce them to my family, or TALK about my life at home.

why am i feeling like the fuck up here?

i am busting my ass at university, and no, the results are not always fucking spectacular, but i am DOING IT. i am fucking going out there and turning myself into SOMETHING and SOMEONE. why does every little fuck-up of mine get thrown back in my face when my LITTLE BROTHER can be fucking three steps away from tapping a vein in his arm and everyone turns a blind eye?

i know we've all tried to help him. i get it. he has to want it for himself. he has to help himself. none of us can save him. so can we all stop investing our resources in a fucking dead-end street?

dad, i get it. you were like this once and your mom stuck by you. you're playing grandma marian and there's nothing i can do to stop you without having you fly off the handle in the same way that you've passed down to him.

mom, i get it. you and your father never got the chance to develop a proper male-female, parent-child relationship, and you've projected that onto tim by abandoning him in the same way that you abandoned your father, all the while feeling like it's the other way around.

tim, i get it. you're addicted and you feel like you're stuck in a hole. you try to be a good person but you're so far in that it's hard to get out and although you resent the opinions of those who RIGHTFULLY (and you know it) criticize you for your decisions in life, you're too stubborn to let up and prove them right by admitting that you're a bad influence and cleaning up your fucking shit.

i get it, i get it, i get it.

and i don't fucking get it at all.

when did it become standard practice to help those who don't want it but need it as opposed to helping those who want it but don't need it? i guess always, really.

we all want the glory of saving someone.

i can't wait to get myself somewhere where i can just fuck off and never speak to any of these people again and never have to deal with people who you're supposed to constantly report back to despite the fact that you would be FINE without them if you had the resources to fend for yourself, which you don't have because a whole other person is sucking them into a fucking abyss.

there are days when i wish he'd never been born.

but right now, realistically,
i am waiting for him to hit rock bottom,
and get back up,
or don't.

because that is all there is anymore.

i'm sorry, dad, but he's not like you.
you lived in a time where a seventeen-year-old drug addict with no motivation could rise from the ashes and get a job and work his way up while making money to compensate for what he used to make in dope cash.

tim lives in a time where a seventeen-year-old drug addict with no motivation has to get his ass to high school AT LEAST, then to some post-secondary bullshit if he wants a real job, all the while making little to no money at either a part-time job or NOTHING, and he's expected not to sell drugs. and if he does sell drugs, do you think he won't do them?

he's fucked. completely fucked. it's too fucking late.

i hate to give up on him and i wish it wasn't true because i will never, never stop loving him and i will always do my best to make him feel like a valued person, but he is too far in the trash and there is no saving him now.

why does he get so much praise for vacuuming the front foyer?
I'M GOING TO UNIVERSITY. I'M GOING TO BE SOMETHING.

i guess this is a cry for attention.
i don't know what else it could be at this point.

just write this whole thing off. fuck it.

mostly i just wish that he would either stop getting our hopes up for no reason and actually clean up his act, or die.
and i have to wonder if that makes me a terrible person.

i already know the answer.

this is why, no matter how much you tell me things will change, mom -
no matter how much you tell me you'll embarrass me at my wedding, dad -
no matter how much you say that i act like a mom, tim -

i will never, never, NEVER put myself through the fucking awful experience
of having a family again.