lykke li

i, i follow
i follow you
deep sea baby
i follow you

holy fuck, yes.

1/5

i really need to get cracking on these assignments.
i guess i'm giving myself a break?

i just want to be camping already.

am i the only one who uses their blog anymore?
we've all migrated to tumblr.

huh.

bruce round 2

weakerthans - one great city
crystal castles - untrust us
young the giant - my body
oh land - sun of a gun
mumford and sons - little lion man
bon iver - woods
muse - starlight
foster the people - helena beat
augustana - sweet and low
death cab for cutie - title and registration
manchester orchestra - april fool

... will add more later, maybe

jesus christ, how do people actually sit and make roadtrip playlists?
my attention span is shot.

i'm dizzy

i was bored at work today so i started researching some of the medication i've been on, ahaha. it's pretty much the exact opposite of what it healthy when you're taking medication like this, but ah well.

i found a blog literally called, "cipralex and me," which made me laugh. cipralex is the anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication that i've been on for the past 3 years. in those three years, i have been on the 10mg, then the 20mg, then the 30mg dose, and now i'm back down to 20mg. one of the things that really pissed me off about that blog was that the writer claimed to be on the 20mg dose, "the highest dose there is". uh, no, actually, you ignorant twat.

i don't know why it got me so mad but i'm legitimately pissed off. i mean to each his own, but it's frustrating to find out that there are stupid people like that giving the medication and its users a bad name by simply NOT KNOWING THEIR SHIT.

whatever. whatever. whatever.

i need to stop googling this shit, ahahaha.

thursday

can i please think about something else now?

last night i pounded out three 800-word critiques for my sociology correspondence course. the first two were exactly 800 words and the third was like 732 or something. it was also pretty bad in quality i think, but it was 1am and i was tired and i had to get up in 6 hours, so it'll have to do.

11 days.

tonight i'll write my sociology midterm and try to at least start on my 5 psychology assignments. we'll see how that goes.
i haven't done any reading at all for that course, so hopefully i can at least mostly bullshit it.
argh.

i feel like this year, once i'm actually back at school, i might have a better handle on my schoolwork. i know how to study now, and it's just a matter of timing. i know how to sit down and get work done and now that i've figured it out, i actually enjoy it for the most part.
it's the stress that i hate, and all i need to do is avoid it.
i know how. i just have to DO it.

hm.

i'm going blonder this weekend and hopefully talking out the last four weeks and figuring out whether i think it was a waste of time now, or whether i'll think that in a few more weeks. i don't even know.

i know i've never felt this way about someone else before, but i also know that i've felt this way about myself before and i'm not sure that it's worth it. then again, this is how i always feel until i see them in person.

damn it, here i go again.

i just spent $300 online at forever21 and urban outfitters. i hate spending money at those places because i know it's all cheap, trendy, mass-produced shit and i could get way better quality at a way better price (not to mention better selection, style and originality) if i got my ass downtown, but it doesn't look like i'll have time to visit toronto this summer.

next summer i definitely want to be able to have time off.
we'll see.

oh and also, because i don't really have much to do at work right now:
august 18th, 2011 - 11 days at home - august 29th, 2011.
august 29th, 2011 - 39 days at mta - october 7th, 2011
october 7th, 2011 - 3 days at home - october 10th, 2011
october 20th, 2011 - 31 days at mta - november 10th, 2011
november 10th, 2011 - 3 days at home - november 13th, 2011
november 13th, 2011 - 41 days at mta - december 17th, 2011
december 17th, 2011 - 15 days at home - january 1st, 1012
january 1st, 2012 - 47 days at mta - february 17th, 2012
february 17th, 2012 - 9 days at home - february 26th, 2012
february 26th, 2012 - 60 days at mta - april 26th, 2012

... yep.

i'm stupid

i miss you.

(i want to see you but if i can't do that
i at least want to be able to talk to you.)

too many exclamation points

"rinsing grease from the kitchen sink,
giving you some time to think,
hoping it won't give you time to leave.

paint my nails and paint my face,
hide my nerves and my disgrace.
finding words i hope you might believe."

300

"i need to think about it."

yeah, so did i.
and i've thought about it, and i've realized
that you're just putting off telling me no,
and i'm just putting off hearing it.

i think we should just stop.

we should never have started.

broken nails

i don't want to have to do anything ever again.

is that allowed?

fuckpiece

if any fucking guys approach me for sex this year i am legitimately going to fucking castrate them.

so sick of this shit.

waterfall

i can't believe i thought that anything would be different and that i would be worth it this time just because he wasn't an asshole like the rest of them when i've known the whole time that it has nothing to do with them when i'm the common factor and i'm the repeat offender and i'm the fucking problem and i can't believe i let myself feel safe when i should have known what was coming the way i knew it all the other times even if i did fall right into the trap anyway because at least back then i was ready and i wasn't completely stupefied and humiliated and fucking devastated.

i'm so tired of being a fucking idiot.

i really do want to die.

i wish none of this had happened at all.
i fucking hate him and i know, i know i don't.

i can't stop crying.

what a fucking joke. as if i'd ever be worth the trouble.
such a solitary suicide, my life is,
and i'm taking my sweet fucking time.

don't look back

at this crumbling fool.

shitty

"a thousand miles away,
an hour's change in time.
i can't promise you today
if when i leave you draw the line.

i need more than just a taste
of what i know i'll never be.
i don't have the time to waste
pretending you and me

have what it takes to make it real,
what it takes to make it right.
what it takes to make me feel
like i'm safe alone at night.

what it takes to make it last
when we're incredibly apart.
when i know i'm falling fast,
and i'll have to catch my heart.

i guess it's too early for love,
and it's still too late."

lash

if there is a god then i guess at least i'm not as fucking alone as i thought,
but if there is a god then why is he such a fucking asshole? or is he just another one of the same shit.

i fucking give up, i don't give a fuck.
i'm fucking tired.

is goodnight forever an option?

"shame on me.
falling in too deeply.
a pretty little fuckpiece, silly little fool
is all i'll be.

shame on me,
how did i still not see?
i knew it was a repeat, naive little tool
i gave for free.

i'm sorry, i'm sorry,
i'm always so sorry,
but who have i got to blame?

i'm sorry, i'm sorry,
i'm always so sorry,
but in the end it's all the same.

i'm never worth the trouble, the try.
just rinse and repeat with a new fucking guy,
who can fuck me and use me and kiss me and bruise me
and leave me alone to cry.

shame on me.
shame on me.
shame on me.
shame on me."

him who?

"i won't promise you forever,
i just want to be alone together.
kiss me now,
show me how
you'd love someone."

the chorus to a song that i'll probably never write.

an attempt at understanding

i'll start off by saying that hey,
i don't know what it's like to be addicted to drugs.
or alcohol. or cigarettes. or sex.
or anything.

i'll just get that out of the way because fuck it,
i'm being as honest as i can, with myself and everyone else,
so let's lay it out as it is.

that being said,
here we go.

i am so tired of living in a family that prioritizes pity over pride and praise.
like the alliteration? try to read it literally.

my brother is a seventeen-year-old cocaine addict and drug dealer, living in my dad's basement. he was supposed to graduate high school this year. he has zero high school credits. i get it - the kid's had it rough. his mother "abandoned" him due to his violent tendencies back when he was nine years old, and since then it's been hard for him to trust people - especially women. i fucking get it. but why does that mean that his choices in life are okay? why does that mean that he gets to bring our family down to a whole other class of human fucking beings? i am so sick of feeling like societal garbage because our house is the fucking drug hut on the street. i am so tired of being embarrassed to bring people over to my house, or introduce them to my family, or TALK about my life at home.

why am i feeling like the fuck up here?

i am busting my ass at university, and no, the results are not always fucking spectacular, but i am DOING IT. i am fucking going out there and turning myself into SOMETHING and SOMEONE. why does every little fuck-up of mine get thrown back in my face when my LITTLE BROTHER can be fucking three steps away from tapping a vein in his arm and everyone turns a blind eye?

i know we've all tried to help him. i get it. he has to want it for himself. he has to help himself. none of us can save him. so can we all stop investing our resources in a fucking dead-end street?

dad, i get it. you were like this once and your mom stuck by you. you're playing grandma marian and there's nothing i can do to stop you without having you fly off the handle in the same way that you've passed down to him.

mom, i get it. you and your father never got the chance to develop a proper male-female, parent-child relationship, and you've projected that onto tim by abandoning him in the same way that you abandoned your father, all the while feeling like it's the other way around.

tim, i get it. you're addicted and you feel like you're stuck in a hole. you try to be a good person but you're so far in that it's hard to get out and although you resent the opinions of those who RIGHTFULLY (and you know it) criticize you for your decisions in life, you're too stubborn to let up and prove them right by admitting that you're a bad influence and cleaning up your fucking shit.

i get it, i get it, i get it.

and i don't fucking get it at all.

when did it become standard practice to help those who don't want it but need it as opposed to helping those who want it but don't need it? i guess always, really.

we all want the glory of saving someone.

i can't wait to get myself somewhere where i can just fuck off and never speak to any of these people again and never have to deal with people who you're supposed to constantly report back to despite the fact that you would be FINE without them if you had the resources to fend for yourself, which you don't have because a whole other person is sucking them into a fucking abyss.

there are days when i wish he'd never been born.

but right now, realistically,
i am waiting for him to hit rock bottom,
and get back up,
or don't.

because that is all there is anymore.

i'm sorry, dad, but he's not like you.
you lived in a time where a seventeen-year-old drug addict with no motivation could rise from the ashes and get a job and work his way up while making money to compensate for what he used to make in dope cash.

tim lives in a time where a seventeen-year-old drug addict with no motivation has to get his ass to high school AT LEAST, then to some post-secondary bullshit if he wants a real job, all the while making little to no money at either a part-time job or NOTHING, and he's expected not to sell drugs. and if he does sell drugs, do you think he won't do them?

he's fucked. completely fucked. it's too fucking late.

i hate to give up on him and i wish it wasn't true because i will never, never stop loving him and i will always do my best to make him feel like a valued person, but he is too far in the trash and there is no saving him now.

why does he get so much praise for vacuuming the front foyer?
I'M GOING TO UNIVERSITY. I'M GOING TO BE SOMETHING.

i guess this is a cry for attention.
i don't know what else it could be at this point.

just write this whole thing off. fuck it.

mostly i just wish that he would either stop getting our hopes up for no reason and actually clean up his act, or die.
and i have to wonder if that makes me a terrible person.

i already know the answer.

this is why, no matter how much you tell me things will change, mom -
no matter how much you tell me you'll embarrass me at my wedding, dad -
no matter how much you say that i act like a mom, tim -

i will never, never, NEVER put myself through the fucking awful experience
of having a family again.

the magic words

"stop thinking i don't want to see you.
i WANT to hang out with you."
oh boy, you say all the right things.



i'm glad i got to see some of my friends from university last night,
even if it was over the internet.

i was starting to feel like i didn't want to go back.

i needed to be reminded of why i love it there.



i'm still going to miss him.
is that weird?

minnou

"lost in the rain,
come home, come home again.
come back where it's warm,
where it's safe from the storm,
come home, come home again."

20 days

it's not enough,
it's not enough,
it's not enough.

nothing is ever enough.

---

my brother let the cat out last night.

the old, sick cat.

it's raining today,
and she's gone.

i really like the third line actually

"i meet a nice boy before headin' to school,
i finally have the time and i meet a tool,
it's the luck of the draw and i forgot my pen.

i go in for the kiss and my dad walks in,
i try my very best, but i just can't win,
i'm dealing with a force beyond my ken.

my timing's not worth jack,
my karma's out of whack.

hey, i wanna go in for a kiss,
but i'm afraid that i might miss,
that i might laugh,
that i might miss my other half.
what if it's wrong and i'm mistaken
once my heart's already taken?
i just remember, every night,
someday i'll get it right."

pretty much sums it up.

pirouette

why couldn't i have met you earlier?

nothing is ever fair.

i don't understand

i don't speak your language.
can someone translate?

if this is what couples go through on a regular basis,
fuck that.