x r

i want to make one thing very clear to you, since apparently somewhere along the way this was misunderstood:

i would never hurt you.

what i have been saying and feeling and struggling with for longer than you have known is that i want to kill myself. i want to hurt myself. MYSELF.

i have come about it from just about every angle, from joking about it to crying about it, and that includes the one thing i think you've misinterpreted:

the constant struggle that i call "the suicide dilemma" is that i am willing to hurt myself in ways that i am not willing to hurt other people. that is, i am willing to kill myself, but i am unwilling to so much as hurt someone else's feelings in the process. is that plain enough? i don't know how else to make it clearer.

i spoke to you once about how i had considered the merits of shooting up a school or something equally terrible. i think this is where the disconnect happened.

i went on to explain to you that i felt as though people who do something horrendous like that are harder to mourn for. the people who they would have hurt by just killing themselves have at least anger to hold onto instead of just sadness, and as such they are able to let go of that person more easily.

all i want is to go away. i want to go to bed. i want for things to stop. i want to not be here anymore, and better yet, to never have been here. because the hurt i know i will cause when i go is something i can't bear.

i'm not afraid of dying - but i am so, so terrified of leaving behind that much hurt. i just want everyone to be able to let go.

i'm disappointed that you would consider me someone who would actually do something like that, but we all know i've been out of sorts all semester and so i can understand how maybe you likened depression to psychopathy. i'm not being sarcastic when i say that it's actually a common mistake and a difficult line to draw sometimes.

i always say i value brute honesty, and so i think i'm being fairly honest when i say that unfortunately this was a mistake on both our parts - mine, for not being explicit enough in my intent, and yours, for choosing not to clarify or let me know that you felt threatened.

and let me repeat that: you FELT threatened. i am tired of hearing people tell me that you told them i threatened you. you FELT threatened, and i am sorry that it came to that, but i NEVER threatened you.
i would never hurt you. not intentionally. i need the chance to say that to you whether you choose to believe it or not.

and that being said, i am sorry for the hurt i unintentionally caused.

i should never have asked either of you to help me bear this. why the fuck would you be able to do it? i can't even do it. it wasn't fair of me. i thought that in sharing that with you, i was being "open and honest" like we promised we would be, but (as seems to be a pattern with me) i evidently overshared. i think maybe that's why you felt like you couldn't be honest with me - how do you approach someone with your own problems when you feel like they overshadow them with their own? i'm sorry for that. i didn't realize at the time.

what i am not sorry for, and this might seem contrary or upsetting, is for my anger with you. what i asked - what we promised, at the beginning of the year and even before we signed the lease, was that we would be "open and honest" with one another. as i said, i held up my end of that bargain LITERALLY to a fault - too much.

and you offered me too little. i can't help it if you disagree with me there, it's what i truly believe. you let problems build up until it came down to a showdown - you only EVER came to me about these sorts of issues once it was too late for me to make amends. you only ever let me know i was doing something wrong once it was too late for me to do it right.

you went behind my back to try to get me the help you thought i needed, but it wasn't it. it wasn't. you were wrong.

you tried to turn my depression into something, anything else. drinking problem? violence? anything else i'm missing? and that's fine. i understand it now.

i handed you something you were entirely unequipped to deal with, and so you tried to turn it into something you could DO something about. i want you to know that i appreciate that part of things. you tried. i know you did, and i'm sorry.

because what it comes down to is that i should never have asked you for this. i know that now. i never, never, never should have thought that this was an okay thing to do to you. it wasn't fair. i ruined something that was fine the way it was because i thought that ~sharing~ automatically meant you were getting closer or some bullshit, ahaha. if it ain't broke, don't fix it, i guess. i'm sorry. i know that now.

i don't want to make amends. i don't want to be friends anymore. i am hurt. i don't think i'm wrong in believing we probably have that in common right now. i am hurt, and embarrassed, and i want as little to do with the people and things that remind me of that as possible.

i am saying this as plainly as i can, not to hurt you, but to explain. if you choose not to believe it, or read it, or even care, that's okay. i just needed to know that i said it.