kinley

it's funny, looking back;
reflection isn't something i'm very good at doing all the time,
and maybe that's why i never saw this the way
i now wish i had.

sometimes you convince yourself that someone is worth trusting,
and you convince yourself so thoroughly that you ignore all evidence,
presented before or thereafter,
that this person
is not worth
trusting.

but let's get a bit less ambiguous.

look:

i know you're stressed.
you put a lot of pressure on yourself when it comes to school,
and i have always respected and worried for you
because of that.

i know you're not good at confrontation.
it's admirable, in a way, that it's something you want to avoid -
even if it means that, let's be honest,
you spend an awful lot of time
talking behind backs.

and let's be fair, it's not just you.

i know i'm hard to talk to.
"i can dish it out but i can't take it."
i'm brash and abrasive and not always the most approachable person ever,
but you have always found it in you
to seek me out when
you've needed it.

you keep calling me selfish.

why couldn't you find it in you
to seek me out when
i needed it?

i told you this on multiple occasions and i trusted you enough to understand:
i need to be told plainly and specifically when and if i am doing something wrong,
or if i need to change something.

i don't understand how you can be so smart
and yet honestly believe that you were doing me a favor
by not telling me about all these little things i could have changed or prevented,
and letting them build up until you couldn't keep it in any longer.

i can't change things now.

and i understand that i can be hard to deal with because of a lot of things,
depression not the least of it i'm sure.

but how could you possibly believe that keeping all these molehills to yourself
and unloading them on me as mountains
could possibly be okay?

i don't know why you get so angry when i get upset
after you basically let me know that you've been angry at me for ages
and just haven't said a thing?

the other day i asked you,
"are you angry at me, or have i done anything recently?"
because you'd been quiet for a while and i wasn't sure if it was stress
or if it was me.

and, as always, your answer was no.

this isn't the first time you've lied to me like that.

and i'm sorry that you don't think enough of my attempts to make sure things are fine
to even remember them come the time you decide you want to fight about it,
but they're there. they have happened.

i have tried.

but i cannot try any longer.

when we first moved in together you promised me that things would be open
and we would talk and it wouldn't be like it had been for you in the year before,
when you let things bubble up inside you 'til you burst.

i have been nothing but open to you.
and maybe because you came to me in tears a few times i believed the same about you,
but you have proved me wrong.

and that's the most shameful part of it, really.
is that when it all comes down to it, this is still my fault.

i trusted you and the evidence was right in front of me that i shouldn't
and i trusted you anyway and you hurt me like you hurt others
and i trusted you anyway
and i trusted you anyway
and i trusted you anyway.

tonight we fought,
and it was two against one like it always is,
and i guess, in that respect, i lost.

i am used to losing.

but then,
when you knew that i was crying in my room,
alone -

you left.

i can't use suicide as a threat, in all honesty,
because i care about suicide an awful lot more than that.

but you knew.
you knew.

you knew i had what i needed in there to do it -
the thing you keep desperately trying to prove to me
that you don't want me to do.

and all your arguments,
every word, has been undone,
just with this:
you left.

i could have.
i could have, and you wouldn't have been there to stop me.
less than that, i could have, and you wouldn't have been there
to care.

you're right, you do have your priorities sorted -
"some people still have to pass their classes,"
thank you, thank you, thank you.

i could have,
alone in my room tonight,
and you wouldn't have cared.
and that is why i didn't.

because never again in my life
will i give you the power to believe
that you can make an effect on me.

i have never been more disappointed with another human being in my life -
and this is coming from the girl whose own mother doesn't want her.

i am pretty disappointed in myself,
every second of every day for as long as i can remember,
especially for trusting you.

but that aside,
i hope you find relief
in not having to worry about me anymore.

you repulse me.

goodbye.