petty isn't pretty

maybe it's immature of me to be crying in my room and blogging about it, but:

today a friend told me i might be able to come with her and her family on a cruise near my birthday. it's a long story and it's not mine to tell but they ended up with an extra ticket for a family cruise they've had booked for a while now and my friend and i had talked about asking if maybe i could take it (paying for my own flight and whatnot) and then she told me that when she went to bring it up to her parents they actually brought it up before she even could and i just -

i have been so lucky with my friends in that i've not only gained them as important people in my life, but their families too, who seem to find some hidden value in me that i'd forgotten was there.

and it's the strangest mix of gratitude and jealousy when i realize that i feel more love and comfort from the families of others than myown, because i'm not sure when but somewhere along the way i stopped being something good anymore when i'm at "home". and i don't really understand it but it hurts.

i knew coming home for the holidays was going to be bad but then i found my little brother's used syringes in the basement and of course it's right back to playing therapist for my dad and i know i'm supposed to be an adult now but i just wish i wasn't old enough that people expected me to be able to handle this because i don't know how to.

i hate being tied to these people.

and i feel like the real reason i always feel like shit when i come home is because i hate myself for feeling like that but i can't fucking stop. i'm so tired of being associated with my useless fucking drug addict of a brother and my tired, angry father who fucking FAVORS my brother and it's like,

i'm going to university. i pay for all my own clothes, my own food. i have a steady job outside of school.

meanwhile, my brother has held down a job for two months now (the longest streak yet), uses all his money to buy drugs while my dad clothes and feeds him, and has yet to gain a single year's worth of high school credits.

and tonight when i mentioned to my dad that i'd been invited to possibly go on the cruise, he just groaned and started telling me how his credit got all fucked up because he was helping my brother pay off around $15,000 or so in drug debt and how he doesn't know how he'd be able to help me at all and how he doesn't really want me to spend my money on it either because he'd rather i save for school and i get that, i do, but my brother doesn't get prompted to save any of his money because he has no future i guess so fuck it, why not spend it all now, right? meanwhile he still borrows money from my dad like it's nothing and my dad gives it to him, knowing it's going to be for booze or alcohol or fast food when we have plenty of decent food at home and

i don't understand why i'm not allowed to have nice things just because my brother is a piece of shit and i hate that i can even think like this but i wish he was dead. i wish my little brother was dead. i'm so tired. i just want relief. i'm tired of the drain.

i feel so fucking petty and this is why i hate coming home because i hate that i should even be crying over a cruise of all things, like i just feel like such a piece of shit but i just thought that maybe for once i could have something nice and i hate that it took someone else's family thinking of me in order for it to even come close to happening.

i remember when, years ago, my dad talked about how we should all get our passports so that we could go on a family vacation down south sometime.

now he talks about how he's living paycheque to paycheque after court fines and drug payments for my brother and i'm trying so fucking hard to get out of this but sometimes it seems so fucking impossible. how am i ever supposed to get into a situation where i can have money and be comfortable and maybe have extra things, nice things, when i have no money to get me there in the first place?

and i understand that i should be more than willing to put my money towards school but i just want to travel and this cruise is the closest thing i can fucking get to it because i'm trapped in school and i'm trapped with this fucking farce of a family because of school because i need help paying for it and i just want to be done and gone so i can leave because i can't handle it. i can't.

running away makes me seem even smaller but i never learned how to not be a bad person, so.

i just hate that while other people associate "coming home" for the holidays with family and relaxation and i associate it with breakdowns and inadequacy and hating myself.

and i hate that i feel like an entitled little brat when i say that i feel like my brother has wasted MY money because it's my father's money and i know that but god fucking damn it if he had just never been born none of this would have happened and my parents would be living comfortably and my dad wouldn't be talking about how if he's lucky he'll only have $20,000 left on his line of credit when he retires in two years,

and while we're at it why don't we just say that i wish i had never been born either because my parents waited way too late and weren't cut out for it which is why i don't have a mother anymore and why i am playing mother to my brother and why i don't even feel like my father's daughter anymore and why i am so filled with hate and sadness because that's what you get when you combine and angry man and a sad woman and create children.

all of this over a cruise and i have never felt like a bigger piece of shit in my life but i just thought that maybe i could have this one thing. just once. and it's stupid because for all i know things might work out for my friend and her family and they might no longer be able to offer me the ticket - which might solve all the problems because then i'd be back to square one where nice things weren't even on the table for me and so i won't have to hate myself for it.

besides, if my "family" can't be whole, at least someone else's should be.

i just hate everything, most of all myself.

happy holidays.