did you know mountain dew actually contains a significant amount of caffeine?

lately i've really just been feeling like i don't want to be here anymore, but i don't know if i'd say that that stems from suicidal thinking or not.
is it bad that i can't tell anymore?

i just feel like i don't want to be around this place and these people,
except that that sounds a lot more negative than what i mean, i think.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that
lately i have been feeling a lot more comfortable in my own head and as such i just kind of want to go somewhere to be myself by myself.
does that make sense?

i've really come to love a lot of people here,
but when i get to thinking instead of feeling i sometimes talk myself into thinking that it's just not enough.

i was counting it today,
and i realized that i have directly and purposefully cut a grand total of seven people out of my life. that's not counting people who were accidentally lost in the process.
isn't that strange?

i feel like i somehow convince myself that they're dead,
and even when i see them in person they're still just a ghost to me;
just some empty husk of something i used to care about.
just some faint reminder of the current nothing.

"love is just a shout in the void."

i just want to go away, and i don't know where,
and i don't think i care.
goddamn, ahaha.

i don't know.

i feel like i'm still just talking about death again.
maybe i'm just less sensitive to it now.

fuck it.