don't read this if you don't want to know about a really weird personal kink/fetish/whathaveyou

seriously, i need to confess:
i fucking love gay porn.

not lesbians, i should specify - that grosses me out.
i can barely stand to look at my own vagina, nevermind anyone else's.

but i seeeriously like gay porn. a lot.
i don't even like straight porn, like at all.
mostly because of the vagina dealio again.
but gay porn.
man.

like,
i will watch videos, look at pictures,
read crazy cracked-out gay fan-written slash bullshit,
fuckinnn' yep, i love it.
it's an issue.

i was trying to reason it out,
because it's something that i've (understandably, i think) tried to keep hidden for a really long time. it's fucking weird. yeah, i know.

but i think what it really is,
like really,
is the dominance involved?
if that makes sense.

like,
in a straight scenario, a guy dominates a girl
(or i guess the other way around sometimes, but "ew" in my opinion)
and that's just the way it is.

but for a man to let another man dominate him,
it's a new level of dominance i guess, because it isn't a given.
women are sexually subordinate naturally i guess,
and to see a man take on that role is somewhat erotic,
in my mind anyway.

and i guess that it means for me is the same thing i've known all along,
which is that GOD DAMN IT CAN I PLEASE FIND A MAN WHO JUST FUCKING OWNS ME IN BED INSTEAD OF THE TIMID LITTLE MOUSE MEN I CONSTANTLY TAKE TO BED?
jesus.

anyway,
sorry about that, internet. really.
i just needed to get it out to try to make sense of myself.

obviously it's not something i'll broadcast in public or anything,
but it feels a little bit nice to not be completely and totally ashamed for a preference i have.
meh.