peach

last night i dreamed that he didn't hate my guts,
and that things were still okay.

we talked for a while,
and even though everything else about the dream was totally surreal,
that part stuck, and stayed.

it felt real,
and i feel like maybe it felt real because
i wanted to believe it was.

i woke up with the most overwhelming feeling
of no. not okay. no more. i'm done.

near the end of my dream,
he turned into me.

i don't know what that means.
i don't understand.

part of me wants to tell him how i've been feeling,
but i don't know if that's fair. after all,
i'm still not sure if it's because of him
or something else
that i want to kill myself.

but i think,
most of all,
i am afraid.

because in my mind, i can see it happening
where i tell him how i've been feeling,
and i say to him,

"i'm going to kill myself."

and he says,

"good."