indelicate

"if you don't mind the shaking,
i don't mind the heat.
and all of this is making
out to be

a most ideal compromise;
your hand between my nervous thighs
and my hands carving
out a plea.

i would love you back if i could.
i would love you back if i could.
i would love you back if i could.
i would love you back if i could.

if you can stand the silence,
i can bear the burn.
and we can turn the violence
into good.

two broken halves don't make a whole,
but lies can help maintain control
when i can't love you
like i should.

i would love you back if i could.
i would love you back if i could.
i would love you back if i could.
i would love you back if i could."

at the hazard of hatred, anger and scorn:

i wish you had never been born.

i need it

i don't believe in passing the blame,
which i think is why i'm having such a hard time feeling like i don't understand what i did to deserve this.

i just never want to be tied to people like this ever again.

i want him dead.
i want him dead.
i want him dead.

i'm just tired.
i want it to be over.

i never want a family again.

and i feel like a child when i say it,
but i shouldn't have to feel like that.

what did i do to deserve this?

i feel so petty.
i feel so small.

ice age

i have a date next week and to be perfectly honest i feel really awful about it.

the thing is
he's nice, he's funny, he's a gentleman, he's independent, intelligent, EMPLOYED for god's sake, and he's actively pursued me enough to convince me that maybe he actually fucking knows what he wants.
and he knows i'm going away at the end of the summer and still wants to give it a go, so idk.

and it's weird,
but i'm actually in a place right now
where i want to be alone.

i'm just really enjoying working and exercising and cooking and training my dog and skyping with friends and getting enough sleep (most of the time) and getting tattoos i've wanted for ages and shopping for clothes that are unique but still practical and just becoming more "me", if that makes sense.

god, what a white-girl-problem post this is turning out to be, bahaha.

idk, i just feel like i keep doing this to myself, where whenever i find the right guy it's not at the right time or i'm not in the right place and then when i finally am i'm of course with the wrong guy. like it just seems like that can't be coincidence. i'm starting to wonder if i'm subconsciously sabotaging myself again.

i think the thing about borderline personality disorder is that i pretty much CONSTANTLY convince myself that i don't want to invest in potentially positive opportunities because i'm afraid that if they go awry then i'll have nobody to blame but myself.
like, at least if he's a shitwad i can be angry at him when it falls to bits instead of being angry at myself.

blehhh, fuck if i know man.

we're gonna go see the amazing spiderman (which i really wanna see) and some ice age sequel (which he's seen and says is really good because apparently he's like 12 ahahaha) at the drive-in.

should be alright. meh.

6546512165

"every mistake
leaves you feeling deterred,
and you know i know.

and the earth will shake
with the force of my words:
'i told you so.'"

atlantic bath

"summer's almost over
and i haven't been beyond the city streets.
hiding in the light
beneath the lamp posts where the shady people meet.

who am i but one more busy city ghost?
who am i?

trading daylight in for dollars,
getting home and crawling into bed.
say good morning, rinse, repeat,
ignoring all that's restless in my head.

who am i when i am craving for the coast?
who am i?

can't i go where i can smell the pine?
i need off the pavement path,
concrete eating at my bones,
give me one atlantic bath.

i need ocean on my skin,
too much smoke has worn me thin.
i can't bear the city's wrath,
give me one atlantic bath."

itching, peeling

"it's not about being sad,
it's about being tired.
and it isn't so bad
when the pills have you wired

to be not what you are.
oh it isn't so deep.
we're never that far
from just falling asleep."

graduation

for a small moment,
when he said it,
i hoped.

i believed that maybe, just maybe.

and then he told me what i should have known before.

congratulations,
coke class of 2012.

have fun
at heroin.

i sent this to a stranger on the internet after she posted on her blog saying she wanted to kill herself because of her weight

"for years i have waited and waited and waited because i was told that with age i would eventually get some goddamn curves. i am honest to god built like a needle and i've spent my entire life on protein shakes and prescribed laziness in an attempt to attain some of the womanly curves i was told puberty would eventually give me. i am 20 years old now. the curves are not coming. i will always be built like a 10 year old boy and there is nothing i can do about it.

it's not attractive. boys don't like my body. it has nothing to offer them. and sometimes that really hurts. i've never had a boyfriend that stayed with me for more than a month. constantly, i see people look at me and i know what they think: she doesn't eat. she's anorexic. what a poor, sad creature. and for a long time i agreed with them about that last bit. i cut. i overdosed. i stopped eating because fuck it, if that's what everyone thought, why not just wither away.

but the fact of the matter is that there is very little i can do to change the body i was given. i will do everything i can. i always will, because i want to change even if it's not likely. the more important realization is that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING i can do to change OTHER people's opinions of my body. nothing at all. and facing that inevitability has been excruciatingly difficult at times, but it's also given me strength.

because ANYONE who looks at WHAT i am and turns away without even glancing at WHO i am is not worth my time, my effort, my energy. not worth my pain, my frustration, my tears. fuck them. i have no reason to be angry at myself when there are people like that in the world and the same goes for you. you are allowed to dislike your body and i commend you for doing anything you can to change it so you don't have to not like it anymore, but nobody else has the right to make you feel the need to.

anyone who looks at your thighs and turns the other way doesn't deserve you. anyone who thinks they're better than you just because they look different is absolutely delusional. all they are is DIFFERENT. everyone is DIFFERENT. and to be honest i don't think there are a lot of people out there who don't wish that they could change, and that sucks. but don't ever let yourself feel like what you are on the outside dictates who you are on the inside. don't ever let that define you.

you're so much more than your body, and anyone who refuses to see that does not deserve you. ever. "just a vessel," to quote our lovely sherlock holmes. and once more, just for kicks: anyone who doesn't give you a chance to be loved because of how you look is simply seeing without observing. because anyone who takes the time to really, REALLY look will know to their core that you are worth being loved."

paul said

"wake up alone,
brush your teeth,
skip the coffee
'til you reach the office.

work all day,
drive home,
eat your dinner,
go to bed alone.

wake up alone,
grab some toast,
walk to school,
try to pay attention.

fall asleep
anyway,
watch tv,
go to bed alone.

paul said,
'look at all the lonely people'

there are so many of us,
there are so many of us,
there are so many of us
in the world."

$40

people are buying cigarettes for children
on days when the air is already too stifling
without the added push of their smoke.

if i could,
i think i'd set one alight just so watch it burn out;
just to watch it fade, crumble, fall.

ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.

fuck if i know mang i'm just shittin' this out at work, fuck

"your callused fingers on my skin;
they're pushing down, they're pressing in.
you move so gently i could cry,
and i don't know why.

your thirsty kisses burn me deep,
their heat still lingers while you sleep.
i'm stifled by your quiet sigh,
and i don't know why."

what love is

"two dumb bodies, meat and bone
and cautious eyes blown wide.
too brittle to be left alone,
too bleak to know to hide."

lost in london

"you taught me this city
from the map in your mind,
and you shared all the secrets
no one else could ever find.

i could never have told you,
i would never have known
how i'd struggle for sense
when you left me alone.

i'm not like you,
i don't understand.
you knew this place like the back of your hand.

but i'm not like you,
i'm only a man,
and i don't even know where i am."

i'm having SO MANY SHERLOCK FEELS AND I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY.

also, this came out super nickelback-y, bahahaha.
what is my life.

father's day

i know i'm only 20 years old and that means that anything i say is just chalked up to youthful naivete, but sometimes i genuinely wonder if i might die alone.

i'm not saying it because there's a boy who doesn't like me back or because my friends are all going on dates or because i'm having a lonely day. none of these things are happening.

to be clear, nothing is happening at all.

and to be honest i can't imagine it being any different.

sometimes i get to thinking and sometimes it happens right after father's day when i look at my 60-some-odd father, who has been divorced twice and who has accepted the fact that he will not find romantic attachment again before he dies. and just so you know, he's not sad about it. he's one of the freest people i know.

but i look at him and how similar we are and i look at myself and how easily i can picture myself alone years in the future and how jarring it is to remind myself that someone else might be there too.

mostly i just look at myself and wonder how i feel about it because i feel like i should probably be scared but i don't think i am and then i start to wonder what it says about a person who realizes they can't picture themselves as anything but alone and who is probably okay with it (i think).

maybe i am having a lonely day.

i hope if you're reading this you don't write this off as teenage angst or something - because i always though that once i was no longer a teenager people wouldn't use that excuse to write off my feelings anymore, but i was wrong - but if you do, please keep it to yourself.

i don't really think i'm sad about this whole thing. i don't know.

i'm just thinking.