father's day

i know i'm only 20 years old and that means that anything i say is just chalked up to youthful naivete, but sometimes i genuinely wonder if i might die alone.

i'm not saying it because there's a boy who doesn't like me back or because my friends are all going on dates or because i'm having a lonely day. none of these things are happening.

to be clear, nothing is happening at all.

and to be honest i can't imagine it being any different.

sometimes i get to thinking and sometimes it happens right after father's day when i look at my 60-some-odd father, who has been divorced twice and who has accepted the fact that he will not find romantic attachment again before he dies. and just so you know, he's not sad about it. he's one of the freest people i know.

but i look at him and how similar we are and i look at myself and how easily i can picture myself alone years in the future and how jarring it is to remind myself that someone else might be there too.

mostly i just look at myself and wonder how i feel about it because i feel like i should probably be scared but i don't think i am and then i start to wonder what it says about a person who realizes they can't picture themselves as anything but alone and who is probably okay with it (i think).

maybe i am having a lonely day.

i hope if you're reading this you don't write this off as teenage angst or something - because i always though that once i was no longer a teenager people wouldn't use that excuse to write off my feelings anymore, but i was wrong - but if you do, please keep it to yourself.

i don't really think i'm sad about this whole thing. i don't know.

i'm just thinking.