ice age

i have a date next week and to be perfectly honest i feel really awful about it.

the thing is
he's nice, he's funny, he's a gentleman, he's independent, intelligent, EMPLOYED for god's sake, and he's actively pursued me enough to convince me that maybe he actually fucking knows what he wants.
and he knows i'm going away at the end of the summer and still wants to give it a go, so idk.

and it's weird,
but i'm actually in a place right now
where i want to be alone.

i'm just really enjoying working and exercising and cooking and training my dog and skyping with friends and getting enough sleep (most of the time) and getting tattoos i've wanted for ages and shopping for clothes that are unique but still practical and just becoming more "me", if that makes sense.

god, what a white-girl-problem post this is turning out to be, bahaha.

idk, i just feel like i keep doing this to myself, where whenever i find the right guy it's not at the right time or i'm not in the right place and then when i finally am i'm of course with the wrong guy. like it just seems like that can't be coincidence. i'm starting to wonder if i'm subconsciously sabotaging myself again.

i think the thing about borderline personality disorder is that i pretty much CONSTANTLY convince myself that i don't want to invest in potentially positive opportunities because i'm afraid that if they go awry then i'll have nobody to blame but myself.
like, at least if he's a shitwad i can be angry at him when it falls to bits instead of being angry at myself.

blehhh, fuck if i know man.

we're gonna go see the amazing spiderman (which i really wanna see) and some ice age sequel (which he's seen and says is really good because apparently he's like 12 ahahaha) at the drive-in.

should be alright. meh.