sands

"ocean spray,
a thousand miles away.
a thousand smiles today,
down on the sand.

summer breeze.
a laugh that comes with ease,
i'd like to hear it please,
that sunny band.

i can feel it in my hair and in my bones,
i can feel it when it sings those dulcet tones,
i can sympathize and harmonize and then
i am bathing in the ocean once again."

whelp fuck

you want to talk and i can't stop thinking -
try to walk it off and my legs are shrinking,
'cause i get so small when i'm counting down.
watch the clock fall 'til it hits the ground.
honing in on all my worst-case comebacks,
try not to cry when my heart reacts
to the traps i've laid out for when this plays out
and i finally figure out what you're on about.
mind over matter - i don't know what does.
i don't yet know why and i'm predicting "because",
waiting for a call as i try hard not to,
remembering the lines back from when i fought you,
and you said you didn't know if this was worth it
and i tried so hard but i'm still not perfect.
tell me what you want, boy, tell me what you need.
your silence leaves space for my mind to breed
all the terrible outcomes i'm hoping aren't true.
i just want to talk. i just want you.

dzjxhvdkjxhvkjsd

"tangled in the blankets,
dripping from the tap.
aim for steady pulses
with your hands in your lap.

and every hair you brush away,
every bit of skin you touch,
every look you ever gave
makes me think too much.

distance will test
what we have in this.
every breath that we invest
is a breath that i will miss.

i wanna capture every moment,
and lock them all away.
i wanna put them in a room
where i can make them stay.

i wanna visit every whisper,
every spot you ever kissed.
i am homesick for a place
that doesn't exist.

i am homesick for a place
that doesn't exist."

idk wtf this is either. fuck me sideways.

i drank an energy drink to try and finish my fucking homework and this is what i'm doing instead. kjhdgkjfdxv fuck fuck fuck. and i swear this energy drink just made me more tired. ugh.

goodnight, i think.

(i am going to tear out my fucking tonsils and throat with the dullest knives i can find, i swear. sdjvhdjxv)

poooooooooop

"let me know
if you want to go.
i won't fight it or try
to put on a show.

i'll just repeat,
as i stare at my feet,
i'm sorry, i'm sorry,
and then i'll retreat.

it's okay,
there's no right words to say,
so stop talking,
and simply start walking away.

i'll be fine,
cut free from your line,
'cause if it ain't me,
i'd rather not be the girl who kept you confined,

and i hope, i hope you understand
that it's just easier, it's kinder
if you just let go, let go of my hand
and go out there and find her, go and find her."

well shit, that sucked.

fuck, i wanna write a song about telling someone you love to leave you to find someone they love just as much...? if that makes sense.
why? fuck if i know.

it's hard because i guess i don't feel that way right now.
which is good for me, but shitty for my lyrics.

da-dum-dum.

candles

"if you had caught on fire
and there was nothing i could do,
i'd gladly take your hand
and let myself catch fire too."

i can't stop thinking

i hope you know that your mother thanked me for coming to your service,
and that it meant a lot to me that she did.
i feel like it probably meant a lot more to her than it would have to you,
but it's not something that i'll ever know for sure,
is it?

there's still a mark on the tree from where you left us,
and up until they paved over it there was still a mark on the road too.
it's strange to drive by and not see the skid marks.
it's strange to drive by and look for skid marks at all.

i can't help but tense up when we drive by that bend in the road,
that end of the line.
i don't understand.

your mother told me the story of you carrying home the wooden chair you made in shop class because you didn't ever want to be a bother to her.
why couldn't you just be a bother to her?
i don't think she'll ever stop blaming herself.

she scares me sometimes when she talks about you.
when she talks about dying.

i'm sure there are people who don't recognize your name anymore,
but then again i'm sure there are people who don't recognize mine either.
i guess the difference is that i'm still alive and therefore still fading.
you're dead and therefore just as vivid as you ever will be.

sometimes i feel like you'll be remembered more than anyone else,
and someday we'll all be dead,
except for you.

there's new bark growing over on the tree where you left us.
i don't know what to do.

never in my life

have i felt like more of a burden on my friends.

"take off my clothes and i feel useless,
don't think i know how to do this."

portrait

it's actually very difficult
being surrounded by a family
that isn't broken.

excuse me forgetting,

but these things i do.

i'm so fucking lost.

and then i get to thinking,

"the nike suicide:
just do it."

peach

last night i dreamed that he didn't hate my guts,
and that things were still okay.

we talked for a while,
and even though everything else about the dream was totally surreal,
that part stuck, and stayed.

it felt real,
and i feel like maybe it felt real because
i wanted to believe it was.

i woke up with the most overwhelming feeling
of no. not okay. no more. i'm done.

near the end of my dream,
he turned into me.

i don't know what that means.
i don't understand.

part of me wants to tell him how i've been feeling,
but i don't know if that's fair. after all,
i'm still not sure if it's because of him
or something else
that i want to kill myself.

but i think,
most of all,
i am afraid.

because in my mind, i can see it happening
where i tell him how i've been feeling,
and i say to him,

"i'm going to kill myself."

and he says,

"good."

yeah,

i don't want to be here anymore.

cracker cuts

here i am to take my bow.
we are more than over now.
dim your candles, kill the flame -
hide my face and hide the blame.

oh, you know,
i really have to go.

oh, you see,
you deserve more than me.

it's not about what could have been,
i believe in what i've seen.
i'd offer you one final kiss,
but i can't love you more than this.

i can't love you more than this.

suicide

because when you strip off the jewellery,
all i really am is tired, sorry, and sad.

kd

if you see me in the halls you better run, bitch, run.
this is the game you made, and it ain't no fun.
you could have had it easy, but you tried to be tough,
and now no matter what you do, it won't be enough.