there is a tiny person living inside my head

and she is a vicious feminist, ahahahahaha.
like, to the point that i sometimes wonder whether or not she might be weakening my ability to see and accept things as they are.

for example:
i seem to have a tendency to overreact when the boyfriend and i disagree on something. i'm just too quick to anger, i guess, which sucks. it means i usually end up saying or doing something that takes it too far, followed by a swift & sturdy guilt trip, a dash of fear, and then ultimately i end up having to swallow my pride & apologize/explain myself. it's just absolute garbage, ahaha. i wish i could turn it off.

now i've never really thought of myself as a girl, in the sense of belonging to the group, "girls." does that make sense? like i identify individually as a girl, but i've never included myself in the picture when referring to "girls" in general.
i think this can be both helpful and problematic; helpful because i think it gives me a decent idea of the outside picture of "girls" in general, but by not including myself in the mix i think it skews my opinion of "girls" into the negative.

i wonder if girls (myself included this time) really are programmed to be more emotional than boys?
are we somehow designed to be more critical of one another than boys are?

see, this is where the tiny feminist gets involved, because she wants to argue that no, gender is learned, it's nurture over nature, etc. the thing is, though, i think her opinion is more what i want to believe than what i actually believe.
is any of this making sense?!

i do believe that men and women are biologically different, and i think there's enough evidence out there to confirm it. so why do i get my back up any time my boyfriend or someone tries to tell me that girls are naturally more emotional than boys?
to be honest, i agree - i do think that girls experience more sympathetic emotions due to different hormones and chemicals in their brain compared to men. but this explanation does not seem to appease the tiny feminist in my head, so i'm not sure how to proceed.

i guess really what it shows is that even though i do consider myself a feminist, even my own personal experience and subsequent subconscious opinion is that of "alpha male" and "omega female." being emotional or gossipy or whatever seem to be considered inherently "female" things, and because of that assumption, i tend to want to fight it. even as a feminist, i subconsciously view these "female" attributes as somehow being negative, or lesser.

not to mention the complete dissociation i often feel with my own gender group, placing myself as "other." and yet, i think a lot of girls do this.
"i'm not like other girls."
why not? what's wrong with being like other girls?

i suppose nobody wants to think that they're just like everyone else.
special snowflakes, the lot of us. i guess it's just a matter of individuality vs. belonging.

anyway, the point of this post was that sometimes i think about how men and women might experience two different and separate consciousnesses. though my tiny feminist and i would love to believe that the flesh doesn't affect the mind, i feel as though that's writing off a whole lotta biological programming, ahahaha.

in some ways, i probably am "just like other girls." and if my tiny feminist got what she wanted, my knee-jerk reaction to that wouldn't be as negative as it is...
strange.

how much of what we do is predestined because of the chemicals in our bodies?
i'd like to believe that "anatomy is destiny" is total bullshit, but sometimes that seems too simple.

sorry, tiny feminist.