i remember hearing about it in the third grade;
there was a complex on my street for "financial aid",
and a class that i was not a part of laughed.
a whole condominium of victims of condescension,
mockery of misfortune and i was scared to mention
my address. i didn't know whether we were on welfare too
or i should be laughing along with my peers.
how do you ask a single mother,
"are the kids at school right?
do their parents pay for where we sleep at night?"
it's not like we ever found ourselves on the street,
and she always made sure we had enough to eat
but the anxiety remains:
was i present for the mockery of my own position?
i remember no-name fruit snacks - i hid from my friends,
scared of the message that no label sends
or what it meant to have less.
my birthdays were spent at mcdonald's with two guests
and i never knew that that was strange
until another girl's party was horseback riding.
i've spent so much time hiding
and so much energy clawing my way
to a place where the careless shit people say
won't apply to me.
i wanted to be an actress, a singer, an artist
minus the starving part - not for lack of love for my art
but for fear of the perception of my funds
and what the digits in my bank account meant i was.
there are those who have it worse, and i can't imagine -
i worked since fifteen just to keep up with fashion
so nobody could mock me for second-hand jeans.
i don't want it all but i just want the means
to not have to worry about being perceived as lesser
just because that is what i have.
and i am clawing my way up as far as i can get
but it still feels like i haven't even caught up yet
to my middle school friends who got a cell phone on easter
and weren't even happy with it.
and there are times when i am so happy to know the true meaning of gratitude,
but the desire for more still drives me
to dejection and disgrace.
i'm tired of working so hard to save face
when my belongings shouldn't dictate my state of being.
i remember hearing about it in the third grade
and ever since i've been preoccupied with getting paid
enough to make me worth it.
my life at discount pricing.