after it happened, i went to the doctor.
i had to get tested.
and as i sat there,
covered only by a paper gown
and the last shred of my dignity,
the nurse prepping my swab told me,
"you should have been prepared."
as if was supposed to anticipate
that "making love" could be spiked with hate,
i don't think i had it in me to know
that he could do that.
that he would.
and that i was supposed to know,
that i should
have been prepared.
it was my fault
for putting myself in a position of trust.
"well you were alone together, so you must
have known."
"you should own up to the repercussions of your choices,"
and so i went voiceless for a while.
i believed them.
i believed them for a long time.
years of torturing myself,
playing it over and over again in my head
trying to find the moment i said yes instead
of the no's i so vividly recall.
to which there was no action at all
except to push me down harder.
and i have been pushed down every day since
by people telling me,
"you should have been prepared."
i was unaware
that i would be expected to take responsibility
for someone else's actions.
i never reported it.
i figured if it was a rape,
people would be on my side...
so i guess it's not a rape.
i hear stories of girls being persecuted
for the actions of their perpetrators -
as if punishment enough was not being used like a piece of meat.
being deceived by the institutions
you thought were there to help you -
what is so hard to understand about rape?
why are rapists getting away with it?
maybe because, after it happened,
the nurse preparing my swab told me,
"you should have been prepared."
and made me think that it was me -
and if only i was smart enough to see
what was wrong with that
and report that motherfucker.
and i could have stood up for myself
and so many like me
and faced my rapist
and told him,
"you should have been prepared
from the moment you ignored my protests.
from the moment you pinned me down.
from the moment you pushed inside -
you should have been prepared
for a properly-functioning society to recognize
the wrong that you have done upon me
and upon all of us."
but we don't live in a properly functioning society.
we live in a society of slut-shaming,
naming single mothers whores and missing fathers nothing at all
because we don't even want to acknowledge that it happens.
well, rape happens.
trust me - i know.
and rape prevention doesn't start with the victims,
especially when they are so often outgunned.
he was twice my size,
and i have never known the meaning of powerlessness
more than i did in that moment.
i would like to never feel it again,
but evidently it doesn't always matter what i want,
because i wanted him to listen when i told him no
and i wanted someone to listen when i told them what he did to me
and nobody fucking did.
nobody fucking did.
in a properly functioning society,
someone would have recognized that i needed protection
and if that could not be granted to me before or during,
at the very least grant me that mercy after.
it should not be a fucking revelation
every time someone tells me it was not my fault.
but we don't live in a properly-functioning society.
and maybe that should have been hint enough for me, huh.
i should have been prepared.