an actual blog post about my actual day

today i didn't go to either of my classes.
that's nothing new, but god fucking damn it. i've officially sent out emails asking to meet with all my profs to discuss what i'm dealing with, like not even for sympathy or accommodation but just because being around people who know what's going on motivates me to get over it? if that makes sense.
like when people know me and know what i'm struggling with, the last thing i want to do is have them watch it defeat me, i guess. it just makes me want to show them that even though i'm going through whatever, i can still turn out okay.
meh.

tim pulled some stupid shit the other night and i just like don't even care enough to talk about it anymore but i just didn't need it, ahaha. i know it sounds selfish but like fuck, i just wanted to lie in bed and like just not get up ever, ahaha.
and i've been sick and just like shitty and i've lost 7 pounds, so i'm down to 117 now. which like isn't bad but if you know my body type then you know that i usually look about like 15 - 20lbs lighter than my actual weight, so i'm sitting at like 97 theoretically and i just ugh.
i just want like a woman's body, ahaha. god damn it.

i actually only got out of bed after a text from lauren where she said she had to talk to me, and i was sort of concerned because i thought maybe she was mad at me for something? like i legitimately have no idea what the hell it would have been for, but i've just been in a shitty mindset i guess so that's the conclusion i jumped to.
but then she texted me saying that she just like couldn't stop crying and she couldn't breathe, so i ran over and we talked and i helped her breathe through what i think was a panic attack. like lauren is such a strong personality and such an independent person that i think people forget that she IS a person? and she definitely forgets it herself... she places so much pressure on herself and gives herself so little credit and just allows other people to shape her sense of self and her feelings of self worth, and it's hard to watch.
it's difficult too because it's definitely not an anomaly among our friends, i think we all have those issues and deal with them in different ways and i guess today was just the breaking point for her. christ.
obviously it was super shitty for her to be going through that but i was really flattered that she felt like i was the one she should talk to, like even if for no other reason than because i'd been through similar shit, i dunno. it was just nice, like selfishly? ahahaha. i know she has a hard time asking for help too, so i dunno, there's that.
i suggested that she talk to student services or someone, because it sounds like she's experiencing anxiety at least, with like minor depression that i think are stemming from lack of sleep because of the anxiety. it's all so intertwined, like god damn it ahaha. the human body is just a trap. the end.

i went to the bank and opened up a new student account and applied for another student visa, just to try to start building some extra credit, i dunno. but at least i got that done. meant to pick up tampons on the way home because i randomly have my period again because i keep messing up my medication, but i forgot, so whatever.

i wanted to go to the gym, but i've been sick and i just like felt shitty, so i opted out. did a 45 minute strength/cardio workout off youtube instead, and i'm actually really glad i didn't go to the gym now because i know i would have pushed myself to do my old workout if i had and i definitely would ahve hurt myself. this workout was bad enough. i'm glad i did it though. thought i was going to die during and almost passed out after, but i'm feeling okay now.

gonna go make steak and veggies for dinner, then shower and study hopefully, ahah.

eh, today started out shitty and then sort of got better and anyway i got some shit done so i think that's the gist of it.

i'd like to meet some new people.
we'll see.