new frontiers

i am so fucking scared that tomorrow things will turn out to be exactly as i picture them now,
and yet i am so fucking scared that tomorrow things will turn out completely differently.

i told my teachers i would be in class tomorrow.
it wasn't a lie, no, not at the time,
but it has become one.

it's official: i'm a nutter. a genuine basket case.
i'm fucking loopy.

but to those who know me like they should, i'm
"home sick".

sorry, folks.

i am so scared that they will give me a bedtime. i am so scared that there will be a literal "lights out" time and everything will be dark and i will be alone with myself with nothing to do but wish that i wasn't so anxious so i could sleep - which of course will only make me more anxious.
fuck.
i'm supposed to be up in 4 hours.
how can i get up if i am never down?

oh, but i am always down.

i know i have to go into it with an open mind.

open eyes,
open mind,
open heart.

i know, i know.
just breathe, i know.

i need to pack. i haven't yet. i did laundry but i haven't even started putting together the books i want to bring. i want to read a lot of books. i like reading, but i never have time for it.
how sick is that? or maybe it isn't. i don't know.

most of all, i am so fucking scared
that tomorrow they will give me a spork.

who the fuck wants to eat with a spork?
a nutter, that's who.
fuck.