it is nothing

i've never been in love;
don't know if i might ever be.
i don't know what to picture when i think about the future,
but the only person there is me.

and i'm angry just imagining the lack of you,
i'm ignoring that it's all i ever had of you.
call it selfish, call it stupid, call it anything you want,
just don't call it what it is.

and i'm sorry that i only ever thought about myself,
and i'm sorry that i'm thinking of me still.
i'm bad at just believing; can't think you into being,
but if i ever learn, i will.

i know it's not fair - we haven't even met.
but why wasn't i worth you loving me yet?

i've never been one of the good ones;
i just never tried to learn how.
and hindsight's 20/20, hoping scars will turn out pretty,
but it's too late to try to learn now.

and i'm angry just imagining the lack of you,
i'm ignoring that it's all i ever had of you.
call it lonely, call it desperate, call it anything you want,
just don't call it what it is.

i keep blacking out alone inside the shower.
i keep staring at the bottle in the dark.
i keep wishing i could spend every breath of every day,
every hour trying to be where you are.

i know it's not fair - we haven't even met.
but why wasn't i worth you loving me yet?

breathe, hurt, shake.
i just want a name for this ache.
call it silly, call it sad, call it anything you want,
just don't call it what it is.

i've never been in love.