sad

i haven't been sad in a very long time.
don't get me wrong - it doesn't mean that i've been happy all along,
because that would be a bold-faced lie.

i cry a lot.

and for me, it used to be
that you cried when you were sad.
"if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands,"
because a child understands nothing
beyond the black and white. wrong or right. good and bad.

you laugh when you're happy and you cry when you're sad,
but i haven't been sad in a very long time.

i have been upset and stressed, angry and depressed,
on medication with little motivation to get better.

i have been tired.

i guess i used to cry when i was tired if you go back a few years,
but now my naps aren't fixing anything,
aren't stopping my tears or quelling my fears
that i will never get better.

people ask me what is wrong and i have nothing to say.

i haven't been sad in a very long time
because once you grow up you're not allowed to be sad.

no one is medicating children for not wanting to get out of bed,
for being quiet and angry and trapped in their head,
for being all the ways of wrong that i have grown up to be -
it isn't sad anymore.

it's just a problem.

it's an anti-depressant, anti-anxiety,
anti-fucking-psychotic issue of not being able to tell people
what is the matter with me.

"i'm sad,"
is not a thing that i have been allowed to say since very young.

"i'm sad,"
is not a thing that is good enough to excuse the fact
that i can't do all the things that normal people seem to be able to do with ease,
i can't tease out my words to explain all the ways in which
i am so sad all of the time,
i cry and i have no idea why.

i want to fall asleep and never wake.
every day feels like i'm just stuck here for the sake of everyone else,
stepping that much closer to breaking
and choking down chalky capsules
to quell the aching.

i haven't been sad in a very long time.
i don't know what to call what i have been.

please don't ask.