vernors

the fact of the matter is,
if you want to kill yourself, you will kill yourself.
and if you want to get help, you will get help.

i am so tired of hearing people talk about how depressed they are.
bitch, you'd better have been diagnosed with that shit, because if you're just throwing around a medical term like that, you ought to get slapped.
you are not depressed. you are sad, and it is natural.
man the fuck up about it.

even thinking about suicide is natural.
you should wonder what it feels like to die. to think about death is to contemplate the unknown and embrace its inevitability, so as not to fear it like we do so often.
thinking about death can be utterly beautiful.

but what it boils down to is that if you really wanted to die, you would fucking do it. it's like anything else in life.
if you want it bad enough, you will do what you must to get it.
period.

and fuck you,
i'm allowed to say this.
i've been there.

and what it comes down to, really, in the end, for me
is that i wanted people to think that i meant it.
and i didn't.

because let's face it,
i had looked up how many pills it would have taken to kill me.
and when the ambulance worker asked me how many i took,
all i said was, "not enough."
and it was the truth.

this is what it means to keep living.
this is what it means to grow up.

i can admit that now.

i didn't want to die.