overwhelmed and underdeveloped

so i have not written in ages and i have to admit that it's because i don't know where to start, and it's not even a matter of having too much or two little because it's a matter of having both, when the line between the two is too blurred to see clearly anymore.
oh, i am going blind.

i'll likely not make sense to anyone but those to whom i refer directly in this entry. bear with me, bare with me.

i cannot find a single person who wants more to do with me than that. bare.

12:59: you're a babe.

sometimes you fall so low that even the people you love the most start disbelieving you when you tell them that you are what you are.
i'm sorry. you are not what you say that you are.
i refuse. i refuse. i refuse.

i wish i could force someone to take care of themselves, but i suppose that's pretty well what it means to take care of them instead. oh well.
this is what i would like to say, but i can't find the right moment,
you know: one that won't kill us both:

"the old you kept their commitments. when they said they were going to do something, they did, and it was because they cared more about themselves and the people around them. i know you're having a rough time with you right now but please, please, please, don't take it out on me. i can't handle it. and maybe i'm part of the problem, but just let me know. don't tell me you'll do something if you aren't going to do it. you know how i am about that. don't tell me you'll meet me somewhere if you're going to sleep through the alarm. maybe you don't hear it all the time, but hear is another alarm i want you to hear: you're scaring me. i won't give you an ultimatum: i will always be here, so please don't think i'm attacking you. but you know yourself better than anyone else does so stop trying to play dumb when you make a commitment and bail 'by accident'. i know you don't mean to, but i also know that you're not an idiot and chances are you can see the pattern you've created just as well as i can. you don't have to be with me. you can stay at home and sleep if you really want to. but let me know. i want you to hold true to all your commitments - even those you've made to yourself. prioritize and decide. i am behind you always. always. always."

i've set an alarm for 11:11. is that cheating? hm.
my wishes are invalid; maybe that's why they don't come true.

"hello, young lovers, whoever you are,
i hope your troubles are few,"

i want to sing. but i am sung too often.

sometimes i fool myself into thinking that things will get better.
but better is only the time during which you wait for things to get worse.

i love you.