dig deep

why is it that no one has any patience for all the people in the world just trying to do their jobs ?

we're all caught in the net, people.
we're all playing the game.

everyone has a job that they hate that they do to get money, which they spend at other people's jobs that they probably hate and it all runs around in circles until it gets back to where it started from.
we're all going through the same-shit-different-day sort of daily routine, so why why why is it that we all treat each other like shit ?

it's absolutely astounding to think that these grown women, ADULT WOMEN, who are supposed to know better, can walk into my store and when i say to them,

"hi there, how are you ? can i help you find anything today ?"

i get the snippiest fucking look, like HOW DARE I offer my assistance ?
HOW DARE I do my job ?

even worse, i mean HOW DAAARE I greet poor you with a smile that doesn't falter, even after you cut me off with your snippy little response and your high-and-mighty gaze that goes right through me.
after all, what right have i to be treated like a human being when i'm being paid to exist in the place i'm existing at the moment.

i just don't understand why, if we all hate our jobs, we all have to make it worse on one another.
yes, it is my JOB to serve you, but it is BY NO MEANS my fucking birth purpose, lady.

TREAT ME LIKE WHAT I AM.
LIKE WHAT YOU ARE.
LIKE WHAT WE ARE.

human. fucking. beings.

i am so angry i cannot breathe.
there is no such thing as togetherness.

pressure

i think that in japan they sweep the sidewalks more than we do here.

fast food joints are a wonderful representation of the society we've created for ourselves today.
drive-thru.
never mind the clearly empty walk-in section of KFC, let's listen to the stranger serve us through the machine instead.
"hello, how can i help you?"
often repeated multiple times because machines are just another thing we've created to get in the way of true communication.
nobody takes the time to step out of their car, walk in, order, and make small talk anymore.
why?

we are a nation of people who can't look each other in the eyes.

it takes about 4 seconds to cut up an apple.
hm, 4 seconds i don't have.

i am behind in history.
i am behind in english.
i am behind in philosohy.
i am behind in laughter.
i am behind in friends.
i am behind in sex.
i am behind in love.

i am behind in everything except drugs,
and that was an accident.

i keep telling myself if i eat better, clean up my body, you know,
everything else will fall into place.
well,
i think i'm starting to realize that everything's "place" seems to be all around me, on the floor.

i wish i was japanese.
the only sidewalk related passtime i have is stepping on the cracks.

foreign

"i'm just trying to figure out whether i'm ugly on the inside or ugly on the outside."
"maybe it's neither."
"maybe it's both."

honey, i'm home.

i don't think i can explain what it is to be "spiderfruits", but that's me.
i mean, i could explain it in parts, but as a whole,
hm, i don't know.

well, the spider bit obviously came from the phrase i decided to use for the title,
which came from a very high night with ms. mary jane and a whole lot of time alone... it was my facebook status and my "irl" status and my ceiling caved in a little bit that night.

... i just scraped my nailpolish off.
new coat, new coat.

the fruits bit? i don't know.
no. idea. whatsoever.

but i suppose when you put them together, like some sort of sick, weight-in-the-belly kind of catch-phrase, what it really means is that i'm like a fruit for most people: they see me on the outside and then when they take a bite they see the nest inside.

my soul has eight legs, people.

i think i know which kind of ugly i am.

the weather network

on a scale of 1 to 10, please tell me where i stand.
10 being "happy",
and 1 being "in love".
please.
i just want to know why they're always on opposite sides of the scale,
when everyone keeps telling me they coincide.
guess you gotta have ups to have downs
hm hm, darks and lights
hm, life and death.

i just don't want to be trapped in the middle anymore,
torn in two.



like a butterfly

floating in a

hurricane

... whoooooosh.



(i just finished my supported opinion paper now, and boy does it suck.)

last but not least

i am leaving tomorrow morning,
and i wasn't going to post how long i would be gone for,
but i just realized how happy i am that it is not forever.

also, mary jane is my best friend:

"feeding myself with objects chosen solely for their texture
each granola scrapes a little bit of me away
'cause I wanna know what it feels
like to have made an impact on this place
i have had 9 fortune cookies
the first told me I would succeed in business
the second had no fortune
or maybe it was the most realistic fortune of all
sometimes I think the world really does revolve around me
or maybe I revolve around it
since it never seems to me that I’m a part of it
that's why sometimes it hurts too much to try to adapt
as soon as you're used to it
you won't be used to the lack of it
and adapting only means to
attach
and I'm sorry
but that is wrong
and I lied to you back then
because I only had 5 fortune cookies to begin with
and I can't even get past fortune number 2
i don't want my fortune anymore
if I know what it is I know I'll only want to avoid it
is this how it feels
to want to die
i think of you
...
i feel like i should change this every time anything ever happens
because fortune cookie number 3 didn't have a fortune either
and in my haste to check for 4
i think i peaked
and i'm going to regret this in the morning
even more than that other time
but
EXCELLENT TIME FOR DUSTING. START WITH A FEW OLD DREAMS"

see you in five days.

also: singular syllables

what i want right now is to be loved by all the souls on earth, and for my life to be as full of joy as i dream it is at night.

what i want right now is to kiss the palms of all the weak and small and hurt and lost,
and make all the wrongs of "us" flow by like the stream you knew as a child but did not swim in,
for fear of what you could not see.

what i want right now is for all the youth to laugh as one and wave at all the fools who went to war.

"no more death, please."
we will say.
"we will live to see the end."

"what the fuck IS good enough for you?"

nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing

i would ever share with you.

simple minds

honestly, i would donate blood if it weren't for the slogan:
"give a little, get a lot."
it just sounds greedy.

i work in retail, and the thing about working in retail is that it sucks. why? because not everyone works in retail. and people who don't work in retail don't know how much it sucks to work in retail.
seriously, five minutes to close and you wanna march right into my store? the music is off, the door is half closed, we're counting the cash in the register, i mean really.
give me the address to your office. how about you work a 9 - 5 shift and i'll storm in at 4:55 and toss all your paperwork and shit around the place and ask you to discuss my finances with me. better yet, how about i make a fuckin' mess of your shit and then leave without saying a word or actually doing any legitimate business with you? deal? deal.
but ignorance is bliss, huh?
yep, take your time. enjoy your private shopping spree, at the expense of those of us who have been on our feet for eight hours at a time and would like to go home and write an entry in their blog about your idiocy.

... is that just me?

i accidentally cut myself at work today, and when a toddler saw my blood, he started to cry.
his mom tried her best to shut him up and i went to get a band-aid, but i just kept thinking
"why don't we all share our pain like that?"
then i put on the band-aid to cover the cut and thought
"oh."

later the woman started arguing with her friend over who got to buy a hat that there was only one of.
the kid kept saying, "you guys can share it! why don't you share it?"
but the adults ignored him.

ignorance is bliss...

"give a little, get a lot."
the mindset of a nation.

death by bellyflop

sometimes i fall for no reason.
there are no stairs involved, no stones in my path, no no.
i'm just a clumsy sort of person i suppose.

or maybe i was born to be a spectacle:
people like to tell me i'll be big someday. well, maybe my name will go down in history,
for falling

or something

maybe

i guess people have gone down in history for stupider reasons.

seriously, rudolph?
get out of here.

come to think of it, i really don't ever trip.
i only fall.

literally, over nothing.

metaphorically, over words.
shit.

i don't want to fall anymore.

i don't want to fall
for you.

ps,

love always remains.

the youth are starting to change

did you know that the average person spends about two weeks of their life waiting for traffic lights to change? now you do.
they tell you knowledge is power, but really, some of this shit is kind of useless.

i love meeting happy drive-thru workers. pleases and thankyous are so underrated everywhere else, but i swear when i hear them through the shitty speaker at mcdonalds, i ponder the meaning of everything that ever was. if only every polite, underpaid teen could make me feel like that.

profound? hm. prolost. hmmmmmmmm.

my computer makes my music skip, but lately i've been listening to such weird stuff that i can't tell if it's supposed to be there or not.
clearly, that one wasn't. shit.

oh yes, i won first prize in the "stupidest person alive" contest today.
you have to celebrate the small victories, i suppose.
i'm still training for the "stupidest person ever" contest.

i think i can i think i can i think i can.

"you deserve better than that."
really? because sometimes i wonder.

disregard that last post

it means about as little as this one will.

i'm supposed to be writing a supported opinion paper on the development of mesopotamia. to be honest, i really don't have any opinion on mesopotamia at all, nevermind a supported one. that's probably why they supply opinions for you:
1. mesopotamian societies developed many aspects of western civilization that we take for granted today.
2. geographic influences were integral to the succesful development of mesopotamia.
3. the single most important factor in spurring social change is warfare.
the one i agree with the most is number three, really, but i have no facts to support it so i went with number two.
i don't even know what it means to say "geographical influences".

i wish you were supplied with opinions in more areas of life.
i wish i didn't have to write 500-600 words right now.

hell, i can do it easily here, can't i? i can type forever and ever and never get tired.
okay, okay, i'm tired.

why should opinions have to be supported with facts? opinions are opinions for a reason: they have nothing to do with facts.
next thing you know you'll have to support your feelings with facts. i'll be screwed, i can't even figure out what my feelings are.

then again, i'll probably have them supplied for me:
1. i love you.
2. i hate you.
3. do me.

does number three even count as a feeling?
support your arguments with FACTS.

through technology

hey now, don't get too comfortable.
sink too far into the chair and you'll never get back up.
get back up.
should have seen this one coming.
but enough with avoiding it. wait and reply.
should have seen this one coming.
shit. oh shit oh shit oh fuck oh shit oh shit.
are you happy or sad? figure it out.
figure it out.
wait and reply.
shit.

stupid girl.
get back up.

red nail polish

every time i paint my nails i get a print on them.
no matter how hard i try to avoid touching anything, i always end up with a sort of fossilized hair stuck to the paint, or a pattern of woven thread pressed into the grooves.
and it seems that every time i paint a new layer, fresh start, it only ends up worse off in the end. like if i happen to brush my nail on a blanket the first time, the second time i'll have a full-on candy wrapper stuck to my finger like some sort of crazy tinsel ornament.
and when i paint my nails, i get the color all over my skin. screw taking my time and doing it right, i'd rather mess it up, finish it, and scratch the dried red frame off my cuticles in the end. it makes about as little sense as it possibly can make, but i suppose there's some satisfaction in finally being able to say "i'm done now", especially once you've scratched yourself raw.
i carved a heart into my arm once, then ran a burnt-out match over it to try to make it stay. it didn't work, because i can't find it anymore.
sometimes i feel like the only way to prove that we're alive is to make a mark that hurts.
but mine never stay.

"i'm done now".