keep calm and carry on

or,
freak out and give up.

y'know. whichever.

miyako and renata

i never really thought of myself as much of a quitter
until i called my mom at 4:40am, breathless for no reason,
caught in a strange dry-cry that kept making my eyes twitch
and lose focus on the more relevant parts of the room.

i keep noticing corners and how dull the edges are.

i dropped japanese tonight.
tomorrow night, i will drop german.

i am a quitter in every sense of the word,
except i only quit the things i should not quit
and i never quit the things i should quit.

i am a terrible person who is wasting her parent's hard earned money on an education i don't actually want.

i just want a job and an apartment and a cat and a bed and a window with a view
and a wooden floor
and a brick wall.

i want to sleep forever.
i can't close my eyes.

this is an anxiety attack.

i don't want to be here.
i don't want to be anywhere.
i don't want to be.

and when the thoughts like that start popping up,
i realize i haven't taken my medication in days.

so i'll eat some cheese and crackers
and go to bed,

knowing that everything i have ever felt in the world can be stopped by a small chalky capsule taken daily at 4:45pm.

punch

i have two midterms tomorrow,
neither of which i've studied for.

german and japanese:
rest in peace samantha.

i never study for anything.
why? why.

bandaid

i forgot
that windchimes existed.

also, i'm still drunk.

the order of things:

FUCKING EW

then

FUCKING OW

then

FUCKING AH

yep.

a day in the life.

shell

is it bad
that i can wake up in the morning
after a night spent beside you,
and not remember your face?
i'm sorry
that i can't memorize the feeling
of your hand in mine,
but sometimes i can barely remember
the feeling of breathing in
and breathing out.

please don't be offended
if i don't love you.

(watching infomercials on tupperware and thinking how lovely it would have been if i had been able to seal away what i felt for you before and save it endlessly,
"STILL FRESH!")

outpatients 3:15

why the fuck are blogs organized so that the most recent post is first?
makes no sense.

it's like you're watching me
devolve? dissolve.

crawl back into the womb.
fuckin' ew.

hey mama

"i wanna be a farmer,
so i can,
y'know,
farm.

'n shiiieeet."

farmers have a really high suicide rate.
we're all a statistic in the end.

oh, oh hey there

YOU ARE READING MY BLOG
in case you didn't know.

seems like i'm introducing myself to a lot of people these days
introducing myrealself, i mean.

HAAA,
kind of sad when you identify the most
with an electronic blog
as "self".

my anthro prof is a fucking idiot.
why are there educated people in the world who don't know how to work a powerpoint presentation?
HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN.

my friend emma texts back really fast.
i can't keep up.

also, what the fuck am i talking about?
nothing, that's what.

goodbye.

leaf

sometimes i just wish i could feel something,

ya kno'?
yeah, no.

worth

nobody here wants anything more than sex.
nobody anywhere wants anything more than sex.
anyone. anywhere. ever.

luckily for me,
sex is all i'm good for anyway.

anthropology lecture

FUCK I'M HUNGRY
I DON'T CARE ABOUT FISHING
RRRRAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH

myth and legend and song

you are boring, sir,
yes indeed, you are.
boring, that is.

don't you wish

i want i want i want:

a mutual mattering.
a mutual mine.

come on now, come, come on now.

give it to me, baby.
give it to me good.

heat

oh dear.

i want friends who want me around.
i want friends who will come and get me and drag me out with them on nights when i am feeling tired or down.
hum.

also,
i need you out of my system.
but damn, you radiate.

i just can't take your heat.

iel

everyone's a liar
everyone's a cheat
everyone's another person
just trying to eat

i saw your red hands with my own two eyes
but this time, this time
i'll let you slip away.